I came!! My orgasms are back... Oh my god what a relief. I came last Wednesday. I was alone at home, i had the morning off work and woke up horny. I had been feeling horny for a few days, occasionally at work nipping to the toilet, hitching up my skirt (i always wear hold ups, so much more convenient) and rubbing my cunt through my thong to take the edge off. Sometimes i get so sensitive down there to put direct pressure on my clit is too much and i find it better to have the barrier of the flimsy material of my knickers as a kind of protection. i love that feeling of soaking wet material against my cunt and a gust of wind blowing up my skirt.. i swear there have been times I've almost cum just walking down the street, or getting on the train - for some reason at the DART station there's always a good cross wind.
I have 2 very different but 2 equally strong sides to me. Its exhausting trying to figure out which is the real me as i don't think that both can live in harmony.
My light Side:
I'm the girl next door type. I work hard, i pay my bills, i try to always do "the right thing". I'm in my late 20's, and the big 30 is looming. I feel pressure to settle down, to find a good honest hardworking man, to get married, start a family, buy a house... don't get me wrong, i want all that, i really do..
but then there's....
My dark side:
Granted my dark side is most active and takes over when I'm horny but in saying that up until 2 weeks ago that was every fucking minute of every day for months.. Its draining being horny constantly. My dark side craves to be used, to be a whore, to be fucked, degraded, humiliated.. To be told what a cock sucking fuck toy i am.. i crave to be slapped, fucked, tied up. i need to be someone's 3 hole fuck toy.
Can i be a Madonna and whore all in one?
Monday, April 21, 2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Sunday, April 13, 2008
I want to cum again
I was angry on Friday when i wrote my last entry. I was angry with him, with myself, I'm frustrated, irritated. Since we have stopped communicating I haven't been able to cum. Last week one afternoon while alone i tried on 2 occasions to cum using my trusty rabbit vib - nothing.. i was on the verge for over half an hour but i couldn't push myself over the edge, i couldn't cum. i tried every fantasy i could think of, getting more depraved, more extreme in the hope it would help me cum. None of my old reliables worked - being shared with his friends, being humiliated, used degraded in front of others, being pissed on, being used as his toilet in front of others, kneeling by his feel as he casually pisses into my mouth while he watches tv or chats to his friends... none of this worked.
Its been nearly 2 weeks since i last came. This is completely unusual for me. Up until 2 weeks ago i couldn't sleep properly until i came. I always have to cum just before i go to sleep. I have on many occasions woken up fingering myself at night. I want my orgasms back.
I would never admit this to him, i have too much pride but i miss Him. I was suppose to meet Him tomorrow but i can't. Deep down i would love to but I'm stopping myself because I'm a coward who's afraid to take a chance.
Its been nearly 2 weeks since i last came. This is completely unusual for me. Up until 2 weeks ago i couldn't sleep properly until i came. I always have to cum just before i go to sleep. I have on many occasions woken up fingering myself at night. I want my orgasms back.
I would never admit this to him, i have too much pride but i miss Him. I was suppose to meet Him tomorrow but i can't. Deep down i would love to but I'm stopping myself because I'm a coward who's afraid to take a chance.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Who has the power?
Mr X called me today, its the first time I've heard from him since this day last week.
I read somewhere that men don't respond to asking or even nagging, men respond to NO CONTACT.
Its true - I made no attempt to contact him whatsoever during the last week. It was hard, especially during last weekend. It got easier though and by today i was much stronger. He contacted me to see how "how i was doing without him" - the cheek!! I think he was shocked that I wasn't falling at his feet in gratitude that he had made contact with me. I think he thought this week that he's "left" me would make me think about what i would be losing, about how much i missed him and how its not the same without him. He thought this because every other time we have had breaks i have been delighted to hear from him. This time was different though, this time I've had enough.
I don't want to be some married man's whore. I will always be bottom of his list of priorities just a toy for him to use and discard as he pleases. i just wish the very thought of being just that, a whore, a toy he uses as he pleases didn't turn me on so much. I told him i was tired of taking a back seat and that if i wanted to be a whore in the true sense of the word i would charge for my services and that it would pay a hell of a lot better than the 2 jobs I'm currently working - He didn't like that one bit...the bitch inside me smiled that i was winding him up.
He is now gone off sulking because he didn't get his own way and I'm not meeting him this Monday. He thought that by leaving me to stew for the last week i would bend to his will once he decided to contact me but his plan didn't work. He doesn't know me very well at all it seems but like my ex before him he will learn just how stubborn i can be.
Who really does have the power? A Dom/Master is nothing if a submissive isn't willing to submit.
I read somewhere that men don't respond to asking or even nagging, men respond to NO CONTACT.
Its true - I made no attempt to contact him whatsoever during the last week. It was hard, especially during last weekend. It got easier though and by today i was much stronger. He contacted me to see how "how i was doing without him" - the cheek!! I think he was shocked that I wasn't falling at his feet in gratitude that he had made contact with me. I think he thought this week that he's "left" me would make me think about what i would be losing, about how much i missed him and how its not the same without him. He thought this because every other time we have had breaks i have been delighted to hear from him. This time was different though, this time I've had enough.
I don't want to be some married man's whore. I will always be bottom of his list of priorities just a toy for him to use and discard as he pleases. i just wish the very thought of being just that, a whore, a toy he uses as he pleases didn't turn me on so much. I told him i was tired of taking a back seat and that if i wanted to be a whore in the true sense of the word i would charge for my services and that it would pay a hell of a lot better than the 2 jobs I'm currently working - He didn't like that one bit...the bitch inside me smiled that i was winding him up.
He is now gone off sulking because he didn't get his own way and I'm not meeting him this Monday. He thought that by leaving me to stew for the last week i would bend to his will once he decided to contact me but his plan didn't work. He doesn't know me very well at all it seems but like my ex before him he will learn just how stubborn i can be.
Who really does have the power? A Dom/Master is nothing if a submissive isn't willing to submit.
Monday, April 7, 2008
Orgasmic Thoughts
One night i couldn't sleep. i was tossing and turning so i decided to write an e mail to my (ex) Master for Him to enjoy when He arrived at work. The following is a fantasy i had/sometime still have while cumming earlier that day. God bless "the rabbit"(platinum) - best vibrator out there!
i'm directed into a large private office/study within a large old house, wood panelling half way up the walls, books line half of one wall, there's a fireplace with 2 arm chairs and a small table between to the left, straight ahead there's a huge oak desk, behind the desk a large bay window. You are seated behind the desk busy, You don't even look up.
i stand just inside the door, dressed in a new tailor made black suit, tight black pencil skirt about an inch or so above the knee with a side split, crisp white blouse, lace top black hold ups, 5" high heeled black patent leather shoes, a white lace push up bra, no panties. This isn't an outfit i had picked out for myself, i had been given very clear exact instructions as to how i was to look and present myself to this man, this stranger behind the desk. Among my other instructions was that i was under no circumstances to wear panties/knickers/thong nothing of any description that would prevent my cunt from being bare and open for use. my cunt was to be waxed completely clean, perfectly smooth.
After what seems like hours but in reality was only about 5 mins i start to wonder if You even know i'm there. i shift from one foot to another wondering if maybe i should say something. Before i even have time to but my thought into action i jump when You bark at me to "stand still".. Your head never rising from the desk. my heart beating even faster, the muscles in my cunt contract and i feel a tiny drop of cum run down my thigh. Finally You sit back in Your chair and look up. You start from my feet and slowly look me up, taking everything in. i have to fight the urge to fidget, keeping my hands close to my sides.
"So Your the little whore i've spent over 9 months of my time chatting to"
"Yes Master"
"and why are You here?"
"i'm here Master because i am ready to be Your personal fuck toy, Your whore for You to use and discard as You please.... i'm here to pay You back for all the time and effort You have put into me and the patience You've shown"
"awh - hah - anything else?"
"i'm here Master because i need You, i am a whore, a slut and i need a Master, i need to be used by You, fucked, abused, humiliated, degraded.. i have no control over this, its just who i am but a slut is nothing without a Master, a slut needs a Master, i need You Master"
"awh - hah - i want to see my new toy properly, take off your jacket slut"
"Yes Master"
i take off my jacket, placing it on the ground by my feet
"now Your blouse.. remove it and fold it neatly on the ground"
All the time Your sitting behind the desk, i feel Your eyes bore into me
"carry on..."
i unzip my skirt and it falls to the to the ground, stepping out of it i bend down folding it, placing it on top of the pile. Unhooking my bra releasing my tits as it falls to the floor. The air on the room and the fact i'm stood here practically naked in front of my Master causes my nipples to harden and twist upwards almost painfully.
"that's enough.. leave the hold ups and heels on"
You stand up and walk from behind the desk towards me. Not saying a word You walk slowly around me, i stand as still as i can, i feel my knees shake as i feel Your breath on my neck, my shoulders.. You run Your hand from my neck down my back.. i have to remind myself to breath... SMACK.. the sound startles me before i feel the stinging pain of my glowing red arse cheek. Your fingers now parting my ass cheeks pressing against my hole.. Your other hand come around the front of me grabbing my nipples and pulling and twisting them hard.. You ignore my gasps and moans.. You come and stand in front of me..
"spread Your legs wide slut...".. As you slap the inside of my thighs You say " come on .. wider than that .." You thrust 2 fingers up inside my sopping cunt deep and hard.. stretching my cunt with a 3rd finger.. just as quickly as You pull them out, grabbing me by the hair and pulling my head back so i'm forces to look directly up into Your eyes You shove Your fingers into my mouth to clean, pushing them down the back of my throat...
"to warm you up my dirty slut whore"
"mmm i'm please with the 2 holes i've inspected so far cunt... that cunt of yours is wet and so tight, just how i expect, i'll take pleasure stretching it and Your mouth, well that dirty hole is going to get a lot of use, now isn't whore.."
all i am manage is a nod in agreement
Pushing my head forward, almost down to the ground You walk behind me to inspect my arse..
SMACK... "pull your arse cheeks apart.. show Your Master Your tight little hole"
After You have inspected all of me thoroughly You push me onto me knees
"i've been waiting far too long for this slut... haven't i??"
"Yes Master"
"well what are You waiting for bitch?.. "
i reach up and undo Your trousers releasing Your rock hard cock... my hand gripping the base, my red glossed lips enclosing the head.. i first delicious taste of Your precum..mmmm.. You fuck my mouth, your cock hitting the back of my throat.. i use my tongue and lips to ensure maximum pleasure.. Within seconds Your ramming Your cock down my throat.. i start to gag on it, choking for breath but you hold it there... looking down at me as i look up at You, tears building in my eyes..
"look at you, you dirty little bitch... you need this... you need to have your Master's cock chocking you"
tears now flowing down my cheeks... Your right i do need this.. its the one thing in my life i can't do for myself... its the one place that i need anyone, someone... i need a Master and i'm such a pathetic dirty whore slut that i will go as far as beg, beg to be used, to be abused by You and only You. There is no one in the world that has this control over me, that has this power over me...
You continue to fuck me face.. on a couple of occasions i made the mistake of allowing Your cock to slip from my mouth, for which i was swiftly slapped across the face either by Your bare open palm or Your wet cock...
i feel Your cock start to twitch... i sense Your close to cumming.. You pull out just as You are about to.. Your warm cum squirts all over my face, my mouth, dripping down onto me tits..
i swallow what cum has gone into my mouth...You tell me to scoop up whatever is around my face and tits and swallow - rubbing the remainder into my skin. As i'm rubbing You thrust Your cock back into my mouth to be clean and then put back into Your trousers
i look up at You as i do back up the zip
"what do you say Your ungrateful little whore?!
"thank You Master"
"AND"
"i love You Master"....
i'm directed into a large private office/study within a large old house, wood panelling half way up the walls, books line half of one wall, there's a fireplace with 2 arm chairs and a small table between to the left, straight ahead there's a huge oak desk, behind the desk a large bay window. You are seated behind the desk busy, You don't even look up.
i stand just inside the door, dressed in a new tailor made black suit, tight black pencil skirt about an inch or so above the knee with a side split, crisp white blouse, lace top black hold ups, 5" high heeled black patent leather shoes, a white lace push up bra, no panties. This isn't an outfit i had picked out for myself, i had been given very clear exact instructions as to how i was to look and present myself to this man, this stranger behind the desk. Among my other instructions was that i was under no circumstances to wear panties/knickers/thong nothing of any description that would prevent my cunt from being bare and open for use. my cunt was to be waxed completely clean, perfectly smooth.
After what seems like hours but in reality was only about 5 mins i start to wonder if You even know i'm there. i shift from one foot to another wondering if maybe i should say something. Before i even have time to but my thought into action i jump when You bark at me to "stand still".. Your head never rising from the desk. my heart beating even faster, the muscles in my cunt contract and i feel a tiny drop of cum run down my thigh. Finally You sit back in Your chair and look up. You start from my feet and slowly look me up, taking everything in. i have to fight the urge to fidget, keeping my hands close to my sides.
"So Your the little whore i've spent over 9 months of my time chatting to"
"Yes Master"
"and why are You here?"
"i'm here Master because i am ready to be Your personal fuck toy, Your whore for You to use and discard as You please.... i'm here to pay You back for all the time and effort You have put into me and the patience You've shown"
"awh - hah - anything else?"
"i'm here Master because i need You, i am a whore, a slut and i need a Master, i need to be used by You, fucked, abused, humiliated, degraded.. i have no control over this, its just who i am but a slut is nothing without a Master, a slut needs a Master, i need You Master"
"awh - hah - i want to see my new toy properly, take off your jacket slut"
"Yes Master"
i take off my jacket, placing it on the ground by my feet
"now Your blouse.. remove it and fold it neatly on the ground"
All the time Your sitting behind the desk, i feel Your eyes bore into me
"carry on..."
i unzip my skirt and it falls to the to the ground, stepping out of it i bend down folding it, placing it on top of the pile. Unhooking my bra releasing my tits as it falls to the floor. The air on the room and the fact i'm stood here practically naked in front of my Master causes my nipples to harden and twist upwards almost painfully.
"that's enough.. leave the hold ups and heels on"
You stand up and walk from behind the desk towards me. Not saying a word You walk slowly around me, i stand as still as i can, i feel my knees shake as i feel Your breath on my neck, my shoulders.. You run Your hand from my neck down my back.. i have to remind myself to breath... SMACK.. the sound startles me before i feel the stinging pain of my glowing red arse cheek. Your fingers now parting my ass cheeks pressing against my hole.. Your other hand come around the front of me grabbing my nipples and pulling and twisting them hard.. You ignore my gasps and moans.. You come and stand in front of me..
"spread Your legs wide slut...".. As you slap the inside of my thighs You say " come on .. wider than that .." You thrust 2 fingers up inside my sopping cunt deep and hard.. stretching my cunt with a 3rd finger.. just as quickly as You pull them out, grabbing me by the hair and pulling my head back so i'm forces to look directly up into Your eyes You shove Your fingers into my mouth to clean, pushing them down the back of my throat...
"to warm you up my dirty slut whore"
"mmm i'm please with the 2 holes i've inspected so far cunt... that cunt of yours is wet and so tight, just how i expect, i'll take pleasure stretching it and Your mouth, well that dirty hole is going to get a lot of use, now isn't whore.."
all i am manage is a nod in agreement
Pushing my head forward, almost down to the ground You walk behind me to inspect my arse..
SMACK... "pull your arse cheeks apart.. show Your Master Your tight little hole"
After You have inspected all of me thoroughly You push me onto me knees
"i've been waiting far too long for this slut... haven't i??"
"Yes Master"
"well what are You waiting for bitch?.. "
i reach up and undo Your trousers releasing Your rock hard cock... my hand gripping the base, my red glossed lips enclosing the head.. i first delicious taste of Your precum..mmmm.. You fuck my mouth, your cock hitting the back of my throat.. i use my tongue and lips to ensure maximum pleasure.. Within seconds Your ramming Your cock down my throat.. i start to gag on it, choking for breath but you hold it there... looking down at me as i look up at You, tears building in my eyes..
"look at you, you dirty little bitch... you need this... you need to have your Master's cock chocking you"
tears now flowing down my cheeks... Your right i do need this.. its the one thing in my life i can't do for myself... its the one place that i need anyone, someone... i need a Master and i'm such a pathetic dirty whore slut that i will go as far as beg, beg to be used, to be abused by You and only You. There is no one in the world that has this control over me, that has this power over me...
You continue to fuck me face.. on a couple of occasions i made the mistake of allowing Your cock to slip from my mouth, for which i was swiftly slapped across the face either by Your bare open palm or Your wet cock...
i feel Your cock start to twitch... i sense Your close to cumming.. You pull out just as You are about to.. Your warm cum squirts all over my face, my mouth, dripping down onto me tits..
i swallow what cum has gone into my mouth...You tell me to scoop up whatever is around my face and tits and swallow - rubbing the remainder into my skin. As i'm rubbing You thrust Your cock back into my mouth to be clean and then put back into Your trousers
i look up at You as i do back up the zip
"what do you say Your ungrateful little whore?!
"thank You Master"
"AND"
"i love You Master"....
Get over it already...
Times i checked my phone today for a text: 250 approx
Times i checked my e mail: 5 (i'm getting better)
Ok i know deep down there will be no text there will be no e mail but for now at least i still have hope. i can be such a dumb bitch sometimes. i'm finding it very hard to get it through my thick skull that he has moved on, that i mean nothing to him, never have, never will - just another slut! i got a guys opinion about my situation and he did open my eyes and made things clearer. He told me i had to stop thinking like a woman - i asked if he thought He even missed me a little - he answered "no not an iota" i'm in my late 20's by now i should have some sense.
i just have to keep telling myself
"He doesn't give a fuck about me, He doesn't give a fuck about me, He doesn't give a fuck about me, He doesn't give a fuck about me...."
Times i checked my e mail: 5 (i'm getting better)
Ok i know deep down there will be no text there will be no e mail but for now at least i still have hope. i can be such a dumb bitch sometimes. i'm finding it very hard to get it through my thick skull that he has moved on, that i mean nothing to him, never have, never will - just another slut! i got a guys opinion about my situation and he did open my eyes and made things clearer. He told me i had to stop thinking like a woman - i asked if he thought He even missed me a little - he answered "no not an iota" i'm in my late 20's by now i should have some sense.
i just have to keep telling myself
"He doesn't give a fuck about me, He doesn't give a fuck about me, He doesn't give a fuck about me, He doesn't give a fuck about me...."
Sunday, April 6, 2008
why all the "i love you's"?
i have a question i can't figure out - Why if He clearly had no real feelings for me, why did He demand i tell Him "i love Him"?? Was it a control thing? It has never been something i have said to anyone without them saying it first. i would never have said it to Him, if He hadn't demanded me to. Why?
Hormones
The date of meeting Him has been moved - its now 14 April. When He told me this on Tuesday my heart fell. i've tried to tell Him, explain to Him that i'm not ready. After i missed the last deadline and He "seemed" alright about it i must admit i breathed a huge sigh of relief that i'd bought myself some extra time - or so i thought.
We were in contact a lot more than normal on Wed & Thurs as i was off and at His disposal. This extra time is a double edged sword. i love chatting to Him, speaking to Him (God His voice alone can make me cum) but then after work He goes home to His wife and family and i'm forgotten and left alone for the night with too much time to think. On Thursday after He hung up and said goodbye for the night i just felt empty and alone. i couldn't do this anymore. i'm an independent person, i have a good job, i have never depended on anyone for anything but with Him, He makes me needy and dare i say almost clingy(not quite as i stop myself but almost).... On Thursday night i made the fateful decision through puffy teary eyes that i was going to e mail and end it once and for all.
i had one "get out of jail free", one thing that i knew if i said - that would be it, He would be gone. i knew once i said it, once i sent the e mail that was it, i couldn't take it back - it was final. i told Him i wanted more than to be just His slut on the side. When i wrote the text in my emotional state i did want more, i just wanted for once to know i meant something to Him. i didn't exactly know what more meant. i never meant leave His wife or anything like that. That i did NOT want. His whole attraction is the fact He is unavailable. i think if He was free and single i might not have the same burning desire to be owned by Him. It would have been nice to know i fitted in somewhere in His life. i know i would never be 1st of even 7th priority on His list but to be somewhere in His top 10.
It worked, i got a text on Friday morning - Thanking me, telling me He had a great time and bye! That was it. All Friday i cried - i was at work and suddenly i'd feel my cheeks were wet again. i had to leave work an hour early. Its about a 15-20 min walk from the train station to my house and it was lashing rain. i would normally get a taxi in such weather but i walked in the rain, soaked to the skin...crying. What a cliche... i did feel like my heart would break on Friday night. i woke up Saturday and was ok, not great but no tears.
Today i got my period - suddenly my erratic rash behaviour from Thursday and the crying on Friday all made sense - Fucking Hormones!!
i wasn't expecting my period for another week. i should have known but it never even occurred to me. i've fucked everything up and lost Him because of hormones turning me from normally just plain horny to needy.... yuk yuk yuk... Men don't understand that during these 3-4 days we/i can go from sobbing crying to irrational anger to unbelievable horny to irritated in the space of a half an hour. Not to mention the cravings, bloated feelings, constipation...
i keep looking at my phone, hoping for a text. i try to tell myself not to do this. Its best if i try to forget Him for now, not to build up my hopes that maybe He will send a text or e mail. It was so final - i really do have to accept that He's gone.
We were in contact a lot more than normal on Wed & Thurs as i was off and at His disposal. This extra time is a double edged sword. i love chatting to Him, speaking to Him (God His voice alone can make me cum) but then after work He goes home to His wife and family and i'm forgotten and left alone for the night with too much time to think. On Thursday after He hung up and said goodbye for the night i just felt empty and alone. i couldn't do this anymore. i'm an independent person, i have a good job, i have never depended on anyone for anything but with Him, He makes me needy and dare i say almost clingy(not quite as i stop myself but almost).... On Thursday night i made the fateful decision through puffy teary eyes that i was going to e mail and end it once and for all.
i had one "get out of jail free", one thing that i knew if i said - that would be it, He would be gone. i knew once i said it, once i sent the e mail that was it, i couldn't take it back - it was final. i told Him i wanted more than to be just His slut on the side. When i wrote the text in my emotional state i did want more, i just wanted for once to know i meant something to Him. i didn't exactly know what more meant. i never meant leave His wife or anything like that. That i did NOT want. His whole attraction is the fact He is unavailable. i think if He was free and single i might not have the same burning desire to be owned by Him. It would have been nice to know i fitted in somewhere in His life. i know i would never be 1st of even 7th priority on His list but to be somewhere in His top 10.
It worked, i got a text on Friday morning - Thanking me, telling me He had a great time and bye! That was it. All Friday i cried - i was at work and suddenly i'd feel my cheeks were wet again. i had to leave work an hour early. Its about a 15-20 min walk from the train station to my house and it was lashing rain. i would normally get a taxi in such weather but i walked in the rain, soaked to the skin...crying. What a cliche... i did feel like my heart would break on Friday night. i woke up Saturday and was ok, not great but no tears.
Today i got my period - suddenly my erratic rash behaviour from Thursday and the crying on Friday all made sense - Fucking Hormones!!
i wasn't expecting my period for another week. i should have known but it never even occurred to me. i've fucked everything up and lost Him because of hormones turning me from normally just plain horny to needy.... yuk yuk yuk... Men don't understand that during these 3-4 days we/i can go from sobbing crying to irrational anger to unbelievable horny to irritated in the space of a half an hour. Not to mention the cravings, bloated feelings, constipation...
i keep looking at my phone, hoping for a text. i try to tell myself not to do this. Its best if i try to forget Him for now, not to build up my hopes that maybe He will send a text or e mail. It was so final - i really do have to accept that He's gone.
Tuesday, April 1, 2008
First Meeting
Today - Monday 31st March was suppose to be the first day i was to meet Mr X (my Master) yes He's still on the scene. The reason we didn't meet is basically because i am a coward. i couldn't go through with it. i want to i really do and i think i've given myself an ulcer over the last few weeks from anxiety and stress over this meeting. i know how much He wants to meet, how much He needs to use me. He is getting very frustrated and His patience is wearing thin, i don't blame Him its been about 9 months now.
i'm really afraid of getting hurt, not physically but more emotionally. i think its very probable that He will use me for 1 night only as His whore and i never hear from Him again. Am i able for that? i adore Him i really do. Not just as a Master but as a person. He has so many good qualities, qualities that i look for in a guy but i know i will never be any more than a whore on call to Him. He loves that i adore Him, He loves to hear me say i love Him (i do) it gives Him that control over me - i however will never as long as i'm with Him hear the same back. i am a fuck toy - that's it.
A few weeks ago we fell out. He hurt me a lot by a comment He made. i told Him i need more, not from Him but in general. Its not easy being alone every night, He's ok, i'm forgotten once He leaves the office and goes home to His wife and family. The conversation went something like - "what do you expect... love?" followed by "don't be silly" - and there it was in black and white - He couldn't give a fuck about me or my feelings.
i'm still here though, i still want Him, He still has that power over me. He is my drug and even though its killing me inside - i'm addicted.
i'm really afraid of getting hurt, not physically but more emotionally. i think its very probable that He will use me for 1 night only as His whore and i never hear from Him again. Am i able for that? i adore Him i really do. Not just as a Master but as a person. He has so many good qualities, qualities that i look for in a guy but i know i will never be any more than a whore on call to Him. He loves that i adore Him, He loves to hear me say i love Him (i do) it gives Him that control over me - i however will never as long as i'm with Him hear the same back. i am a fuck toy - that's it.
A few weeks ago we fell out. He hurt me a lot by a comment He made. i told Him i need more, not from Him but in general. Its not easy being alone every night, He's ok, i'm forgotten once He leaves the office and goes home to His wife and family. The conversation went something like - "what do you expect... love?" followed by "don't be silly" - and there it was in black and white - He couldn't give a fuck about me or my feelings.
i'm still here though, i still want Him, He still has that power over me. He is my drug and even though its killing me inside - i'm addicted.
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