Fuck Toy

Quick update on how my life changes are progressing:












-I started the course, coming into the 4th week and love it so far.

-Still working both jobs but with current economic crisis not really sure what to do. I'm better off than a lot who have lost their jobs. At least if I lose one I still have the other to fall back on.

-Because I still have both jobs I haven't been able to exercise as much as I'd like.

-Debt should be fully sorted by the end of this month, which means I will only have 1 bill to worry about.

-My sex drive is back and so is Mr X for now.






Like many sluts/whores/submissives i love the idea of being a fuck toy for my Master. An object which He owns, His property to use for His pleasure and discard when done with. I was chatting with Mr X in a little more detail this week about the expectations He has for His fuck toy.

His ownership style is that He likes to give short, if possible one word commands that as His trained bitch I should know exactly how He wishes to be pleased. e.g sit, stay, cum, faster, kneel, heel...etc I'm not sure if I'll be able to explain this properly but He wants a toy that is basically that, a toy! That He switches "on" lets take the example of a vibrator. It has settings, speeds that go from 1 - 5. It starts off at speed 1 and pressing a button increases the speed bringing it up to the next level and when ready the next and next... With a vibrator not only can you increase speed but also pulsation and pressure on the clit - all in all adding to the experience making it the best selling sex toy ever!

My Master wants me to be His equivalent of a vibrator. He can literally sit/lie back and allow His toy do all the work pleasuring her Master. He doesn't even have to utter a word should He choose not to. Simple my pressing a button e.g twisting my left nipples...hard... i know that i am to increase my speed and e.g twisting my right nipple would maybe be a signal to use my tongue more, deep throat Him.. the possibilities are endless....

What I do know is that I've cum 3 times today just imagining being just that - His Fuck Toy!

The Pet

I want to see this movie! Basic idea is there's a troubled American girl who meets a rich French guy. They date, he suggests she becomes his submissive, well more than that, she will be his pet. She agrees and falls in love with her Master - then it gets a bit weird from what I seen from the trailer (not this one) but the french guy has a bit of a collection of "pets" and one night he goes on a slave auction website to find out the value of his property. Just out of curiosity. Some bad guys (Russians probably - they always are) steal his collection to sell on the black market and I'm guessing the rest of the movie is Master and pet fight to be reunited.





Mr X is back

I ignored his calls, texts and e mails for as long as I could but I wasn't strong enough to resist any longer. I know I'm a glutton for punishment and I'll probably regret allowing him back in a few weeks. In saying that he has changed. He said he's accepted that I'll only meet in my own time and before he had a hard time dealing with that as he felt we weren't going anywhere but now he said he'd rather have me in his life just as we are now than not at all. I think he missed me. I still don't think I'm ready to meet him, not because he's married, not becasue I don't trust him, i do. If there is anyone I want to go down this submissive path with, its him. I trust him. He's stuck around for about a year and a half now - am I being niave thinking that maybe I might mean something more to him than "just another slut"?

What we have chatted about is me being his sumissive, his puppy, his pet. That's why I think I would really like to see this movie. In reality would it be what I imagine. Will I be able to submit to him? How will I feel having to wear a collar, being lead on all 4's by a leash? eat and drink from a dog bowl, Having to sit at someones feet, having to put his needs, his wants before mine? Giving up control scares me and excites me in equal parts. Having these doubts, will this mean I will be a shit submissive, a complete disappointment to him? I have body issues (i hate my body) am i going to be comfortable enough in my own skin to display myself so fully to him? No clothes, No sheets to cover up with, thats all part of the deal, thats what he's bought into and the conditions I have accepted. These are just some of the bricks that make up the wall that is blocking me from taking that next step.

...and I'm feelin goood....

Feeling in much better mood this week. Last week my God i was like an anti-Christ - everyone was getting it off me over nothing!!

I have some how over the last few weeks lost all interest in Mr X. I think once i seen things the way things were and not how i wished they could be i came to my senses. Sometimes something will happen that will remind me of him and what i wished i could have had with him. i feel that familiar tightness in my chest of missing him but this is happening less and less thankfully. At one stage it was every time i seen a Audi car it reminded me of him....i hadn't realised but they're all over the bloody place!

Another reason i think i have got over him is that i realised i wasn't willing to settle. I loved so much about him but at the end of the day he was married and in his words I'm "..a spoilt, selfish slut..." I AM. I'm spoilt and selfish in that i don't want to have to share the man i choose to be with. I want an all-in-one man, who can treat me like his bitch when i need that but who i know deep down loves and respects me. Someone who's mine and i don't have to share... oh and if he could look like Daniel Craig that would be good.... Thanx Santa..

Who has the power?

Mr X called me today, its the first time I've heard from him since this day last week.

I read somewhere that men don't respond to asking or even nagging, men respond to NO CONTACT.

Its true - I made no attempt to contact him whatsoever during the last week. It was hard, especially during last weekend. It got easier though and by today i was much stronger. He contacted me to see how "how i was doing without him" - the cheek!! I think he was shocked that I wasn't falling at his feet in gratitude that he had made contact with me. I think he thought this week that he's "left" me would make me think about what i would be losing, about how much i missed him and how its not the same without him. He thought this because every other time we have had breaks i have been delighted to hear from him. This time was different though, this time I've had enough.

I don't want to be some married man's whore. I will always be bottom of his list of priorities just a toy for him to use and discard as he pleases. i just wish the very thought of being just that, a whore, a toy he uses as he pleases didn't turn me on so much. I told him i was tired of taking a back seat and that if i wanted to be a whore in the true sense of the word i would charge for my services and that it would pay a hell of a lot better than the 2 jobs I'm currently working - He didn't like that one bit...the bitch inside me smiled that i was winding him up.

He is now gone off sulking because he didn't get his own way and I'm not meeting him this Monday. He thought that by leaving me to stew for the last week i would bend to his will once he decided to contact me but his plan didn't work. He doesn't know me very well at all it seems but like my ex before him he will learn just how stubborn i can be.

Who really does have the power? A Dom/Master is nothing if a submissive isn't willing to submit.

101 different thoughts

My Mr X has been on holidays since Friday 12th. i haven't had any contact with him since Thursday 11th. He made a comment that day that shook me to the core and i realised for the first time how he really sees me not how i wish or imagine he sees me. How he really sees me is just a 3 hole fuck whore. A Cunt. He made a comment along the lines of - "what did you think i was looking for, a 2nd wife" that hurt! I don't want to be his fucking wife, i never would and never did. Even if he was single i wouldn't want a serious relationship with him. He's not the type of man i imagine settling down with for life - I'm an attractive girl, i can do better. (once i fix everything that's wrong with me - I'll be perfect!!)

Anyway he's gone on holiday until the end of the month. Sometimes i really have missed him, whatever i say he turns me on like no one else. I hope when he comes back I'm strong enough to not fall back into the same old routine. I want to break free but with him i feel like a junkie and at the moment I'm going cold turkey. I need a fix but I've been strong for over a week and hopefully by the time he comes back I'll prove to myself i don't need him anymore.

I know karma will pay me back for fucking about with another woman's husband. That's why i have to stop, if i want to be happy i have to stop!!

For some reason today I've been thinking of the first time i lost my virginity. I was a late bloomer and was 20 before i had sex for the first time. It was a case of wanting to get it over and done with. I decided i was ready, so it came down to the first guy who came along. I met the guy in my local pub on a Sunday night. I remember his name was Gerry and he was a panel beater (i hadn't a clue at the time what that was, didn't care either) We kissed and arrange to meet on the Thursday night. I met him, he was with his friend, i was with mine. Most of the night he did his thing i did mine. We came back to mine with his friend in tow. Friend passed out on the sitting room floor and we went into adjoining bed room. I never told him i was a virgin. I remember he was well endowed. I may have been a virgin but with the guys before him it was a case of everything but full sex. It hurt but not as much as i thought. I had to keep the noise down as my friends were in the next bedroom and i think Gerry thought he was some stud as i moaned loudly from pain which he mistook as my enjoyment. He fucked me 3 times that night. I remember worrying about the blood and how i could clean it up some way. It was dark and he didn't notice. The next morning he got up and brought his friend with him. I didn't think I'd hear from him again to be honest and was a bit surprised when later that day he sent me a text telling me he enjoyed last night and could we meet up again. I didn't reply, i had no interest in seeing him again he had served his purpose i was no longer a virgin.

That story makes me sad. I wish i could have had the same experience as my friend B she waited and lost her virginity to a man she loves and is currently engaged to. Said man thinks I'm the biggest tramp going, its unfortunate but I've been out with them about 3 nights and all 3 nights i do the same bloody thing and just cop off with some random guy. I don't even like these fucking guys, its like i have to prove i can get i guy. However bad or disgusted i am by him.