101 different thoughts

My Mr X has been on holidays since Friday 12th. i haven't had any contact with him since Thursday 11th. He made a comment that day that shook me to the core and i realised for the first time how he really sees me not how i wish or imagine he sees me. How he really sees me is just a 3 hole fuck whore. A Cunt. He made a comment along the lines of - "what did you think i was looking for, a 2nd wife" that hurt! I don't want to be his fucking wife, i never would and never did. Even if he was single i wouldn't want a serious relationship with him. He's not the type of man i imagine settling down with for life - I'm an attractive girl, i can do better. (once i fix everything that's wrong with me - I'll be perfect!!)

Anyway he's gone on holiday until the end of the month. Sometimes i really have missed him, whatever i say he turns me on like no one else. I hope when he comes back I'm strong enough to not fall back into the same old routine. I want to break free but with him i feel like a junkie and at the moment I'm going cold turkey. I need a fix but I've been strong for over a week and hopefully by the time he comes back I'll prove to myself i don't need him anymore.

I know karma will pay me back for fucking about with another woman's husband. That's why i have to stop, if i want to be happy i have to stop!!

For some reason today I've been thinking of the first time i lost my virginity. I was a late bloomer and was 20 before i had sex for the first time. It was a case of wanting to get it over and done with. I decided i was ready, so it came down to the first guy who came along. I met the guy in my local pub on a Sunday night. I remember his name was Gerry and he was a panel beater (i hadn't a clue at the time what that was, didn't care either) We kissed and arrange to meet on the Thursday night. I met him, he was with his friend, i was with mine. Most of the night he did his thing i did mine. We came back to mine with his friend in tow. Friend passed out on the sitting room floor and we went into adjoining bed room. I never told him i was a virgin. I remember he was well endowed. I may have been a virgin but with the guys before him it was a case of everything but full sex. It hurt but not as much as i thought. I had to keep the noise down as my friends were in the next bedroom and i think Gerry thought he was some stud as i moaned loudly from pain which he mistook as my enjoyment. He fucked me 3 times that night. I remember worrying about the blood and how i could clean it up some way. It was dark and he didn't notice. The next morning he got up and brought his friend with him. I didn't think I'd hear from him again to be honest and was a bit surprised when later that day he sent me a text telling me he enjoyed last night and could we meet up again. I didn't reply, i had no interest in seeing him again he had served his purpose i was no longer a virgin.

That story makes me sad. I wish i could have had the same experience as my friend B she waited and lost her virginity to a man she loves and is currently engaged to. Said man thinks I'm the biggest tramp going, its unfortunate but I've been out with them about 3 nights and all 3 nights i do the same bloody thing and just cop off with some random guy. I don't even like these fucking guys, its like i have to prove i can get i guy. However bad or disgusted i am by him.