He said he loves me...

Mr X's family were away for a few days. He made the most of being on his own, went out with friends, drank, got high on coke and reverted back to his college days. I knew he drank, he drinks quite a bit from what i gather. I'm just putting two and two together here. I was surprised he did drugs. He rang me on Friday night, it was after midnight and i was asleep. I answer the phone to this blaring down the phone:



He was drunk and high, i was treated to this and other 90's hits such as Robert Miles Children.. I haven't heard these songs in nearly 10 yrs but they brought back great memories for me and also for him. He was reminiscing on when he was in university, on how life was simpler back then. I loved listening to him, his stories and learning more about him. We talked about life then and life now. there was a little sadness in his voice i think.

He loves being a father, i know he loves his kids. He tells me all the time, he doesn't talk about his wife. This may be not to hurt my feelings, or that its none of my business. I'd like to know how he feels about his wife, does he love her? Is she prettier than me? Does he feel guilt trying to hook up with me? We talked for over 4 hours on Friday night. We talked about everything and nothing, he opened up to me like he has never done before. In the year and a half I've known him I've only gotten drips of information about his life. I know this is down to the drink and drugs but its still nice. He knows all about mine, my past, my present and hopes for the future.

It worried me the amount of coke he did when we chatted. For one hour I counted that he snorted 7 lines. I have no idea exactly how much coke that would be but i think its too much. He told me he hasn't done coke in over 6 years and this week was a once off thing. After about 3 hours our conversation turned a little sexier, i was incredibly turned on, he has this effect on me and i came twice. It was during this last hour he told me he loved me. He said it at least 3 times. In the year and a half I've know him he has never said something like that before. He has complimented me, told me that he finds me sexy, intelligent, that he cares for me. It was bittersweet, i know he was high and it was the drugs talking.

In saying that something has changed with us since that night, it feels like we've gotten a lot closer. I didn't think i'd hear from him again over the weekend and was pleasantly surprised Saturday morning he rang me again just to chat, we text all day, he rang me in the afternoon when i got home from work and again that night (this is not normal behaviour for him, even when his family are away). His family flew back on Sunday and that was the end of our late night chats. I could talk to him for hours. He's funny, intelligent, witty, we get each other. There's chemistry there. I should be on a high but i know deep down this is superficial. Its not real. Reality is that he has a family and that the best i can hope for is to spend one night with this man who i really think i love. I've never been in love so I'm not an expert and can't say but my symptoms are:

- i think about him on average every 3 secs
- i can't eat (good thing)
- i want to be close to him
- i want to talk to him as much as i can
- to smell him
- to taste him.

I want all of that but I'm still not giving in. He's putting so much pressure on me to meet now. I absolutely want to but i can't. I can't because i couldn't bare it if i were a disappointment to him. I'd rather he'd long for some fantasy version of me than discover the real me. Even if he walks away now, having never met me he'll always have fond memories as appose to a quashed dream.


I'm not stringing him along, i do intend to meet him when i feel I'm physically perfect enough to do so. I want my body to be in top shape, my hair, nails, tan all perfect. When he sees me for the first time i want to be even better than the fantasy he has. I want him to drool, i want him to want me so bad he can barely contain himself at the bar where we meet for a drink. I want him to lust after me... i want him to fall in love with me....

I have to stop thinking like that, its selfish and naive.

its all about Him ! ! !

''one man's mood can break another man's soul'' . . . . . . . He makes me so angry sometimes, He's so inconsiderate, so selfish, so narcissistic, so egotistical, so thoughtless . . . . He infuriates me, i want to throw a tantrum, drop down on the ground, flailing my arms and legs, the works, stomping, screaming, crying for attention. It would do no good, it would make no difference. He drives me mad! I hate Him . . . . . . . I love Him x

Say it...... then spray it...

It's only been 3 days but it already feels like a month. i miss Him. i have to consciously stop myself thinking about him and what he's doing, torturing myself.

I came accross these phrases somewhere. I've highlighted the ones i especially like. The very words coming out of his mouth will have me squirming to be used.




Hot Phrases

* Let it go.
* Let it all go.
* I love controlling you like this.
* Do you like being used, slut?
* Shut up or I’ll gag you.
* Quit whining. It won’t do you any good.
* Don’t move.
* Awww….does that hurt? Good. It’s supposed to.
* Suffer for me.
* I love it when you suffer for me.
* You’re so sexy when you’re suffering.
* Take it for me.
* Good girl!
* That’s my girl!
* That’s it slut. Take my cock; take all of it.
* Keep your eyes closed and don’t open them until I tell you.
* Keep your eyes open and look at me.
* Look at my cock. Don’t you dare look away from my cock!
* Keep your mouth open.
* Beg me to spit in your mouth.
* You want to taste my cock? Beg me.
* Beg me to use you.
* When you come, I’m going to hurt you.
* Admit you want the pain.
* Earn the pain.
* You’re going to come, aren’t you, (name or pet name)?
* You’re going to come with (insert circumstances, i.e. ‘my cock in your ass,’ ‘all these clamps on your pussy’ ‘my spit on your face.’)
* Look at you…this is how you were made to be, slut…(insert specifics as to how I’m positioned, i.e. upside down having my mouth fucked like a pussy, ass plugged, welts on my thighs, crawling on all fours.)
* I want you to let it all out.
* Fuck me back. Let everything go!
* Get your hands off me!
* I’ll tell you when to touch me!
* Did I give you permission to (insert unpermitted act i.e. ’stop squeezing my cock’)?
* You’re gorgeous when you submit.
* You’re in your element now, aren’t you?
* Beg me to shove my fat cock in your ass.
* Beg me to shove my fat cock down your throat.
* Don’t you dare hold back!
* Open your mind to me.
* Open your heart to me. Open your soul to me.
* I’m going to (insert act: pinch your nipples, strap your pussy, hit you with the wooden spoon, cane you, fuck your ass) until you scream for mercy!
* There will be no mercy.
* You’re mine to play with.
* You’re mine to torment as I choose.
* You look beautiful all tied up like that.
* What a gorgeous little asshole.
* What a pretty little pussy.
* I think it would be even prettier with (whatever object) on it (or in it).
* My my, what a wet little cunt you have.
* This is mine. (Said while squeezing, pinching, or otherwise tormenting a body part).
* Who do you belong to?
* Do what I tell you, bitch (or slut, or cunt, or whore…)!
* You’re so beautiful when you’re coming.
* It pleases me when my little slave comes.
* Thank me for using you.
* Kiss it (”it” being a torture implement, the tip of Master’s cock, etc.)
* You can only take the head in your mouth…no more!
* Don’t you dare let go of that cock! If you let go, there’ll be no coming for you today! (rule strictly enforced)
* Who is in control?
* Who owns you?
* Who owns this (pussy, ass, mouth, etc…)?
* No complaints! I don’t want to hear it — this isn’t about you, bitch!!

Fuck Toy

Quick update on how my life changes are progressing:












-I started the course, coming into the 4th week and love it so far.

-Still working both jobs but with current economic crisis not really sure what to do. I'm better off than a lot who have lost their jobs. At least if I lose one I still have the other to fall back on.

-Because I still have both jobs I haven't been able to exercise as much as I'd like.

-Debt should be fully sorted by the end of this month, which means I will only have 1 bill to worry about.

-My sex drive is back and so is Mr X for now.






Like many sluts/whores/submissives i love the idea of being a fuck toy for my Master. An object which He owns, His property to use for His pleasure and discard when done with. I was chatting with Mr X in a little more detail this week about the expectations He has for His fuck toy.

His ownership style is that He likes to give short, if possible one word commands that as His trained bitch I should know exactly how He wishes to be pleased. e.g sit, stay, cum, faster, kneel, heel...etc I'm not sure if I'll be able to explain this properly but He wants a toy that is basically that, a toy! That He switches "on" lets take the example of a vibrator. It has settings, speeds that go from 1 - 5. It starts off at speed 1 and pressing a button increases the speed bringing it up to the next level and when ready the next and next... With a vibrator not only can you increase speed but also pulsation and pressure on the clit - all in all adding to the experience making it the best selling sex toy ever!

My Master wants me to be His equivalent of a vibrator. He can literally sit/lie back and allow His toy do all the work pleasuring her Master. He doesn't even have to utter a word should He choose not to. Simple my pressing a button e.g twisting my left nipples...hard... i know that i am to increase my speed and e.g twisting my right nipple would maybe be a signal to use my tongue more, deep throat Him.. the possibilities are endless....

What I do know is that I've cum 3 times today just imagining being just that - His Fuck Toy!

On Strike!

I'm starting to get worried about myself. In the last 3 months i can count on 2 hands how often i've cum. Thats less than ten times in 3 months. I have at times in the past experience times of 'drought' but those spells would only last 2 wks at most. I have no sex drive, i'm finding it hard to get turned on. I've tried porn, images, stories but they are having very little effect at the moment. I'm putting this lack of desire down to 2 things, being tired and basically not having to time to unwind and get relaxed enough to allow myself to get turned on or that my cunt misses Mr X. Its on strike at the moment, a deal will have to be made soon as the rest of me is suffering under this current 'dispute'. I'm going to try and get some time off next week to relax and see if that helps. If it doesn't i have only 1 option left. He has made remarks in the past about owning my cunt which i laughed off - maybe he really does i just didn't know it!