Saturday, October 27, 2007

The Coronas - San Diego Song

Great new Irish band.

Saturday, October 20, 2007

101 different thoughts

My Mr X has been on holidays since Friday 12th. i haven't had any contact with him since Thursday 11th. He made a comment that day that shook me to the core and i realised for the first time how he really sees me not how i wish or imagine he sees me. How he really sees me is just a 3 hole fuck whore. A Cunt. He made a comment along the lines of - "what did you think i was looking for, a 2nd wife" that hurt! I don't want to be his fucking wife, i never would and never did. Even if he was single i wouldn't want a serious relationship with him. He's not the type of man i imagine settling down with for life - I'm an attractive girl, i can do better. (once i fix everything that's wrong with me - I'll be perfect!!)

Anyway he's gone on holiday until the end of the month. Sometimes i really have missed him, whatever i say he turns me on like no one else. I hope when he comes back I'm strong enough to not fall back into the same old routine. I want to break free but with him i feel like a junkie and at the moment I'm going cold turkey. I need a fix but I've been strong for over a week and hopefully by the time he comes back I'll prove to myself i don't need him anymore.

I know karma will pay me back for fucking about with another woman's husband. That's why i have to stop, if i want to be happy i have to stop!!

For some reason today I've been thinking of the first time i lost my virginity. I was a late bloomer and was 20 before i had sex for the first time. It was a case of wanting to get it over and done with. I decided i was ready, so it came down to the first guy who came along. I met the guy in my local pub on a Sunday night. I remember his name was Gerry and he was a panel beater (i hadn't a clue at the time what that was, didn't care either) We kissed and arrange to meet on the Thursday night. I met him, he was with his friend, i was with mine. Most of the night he did his thing i did mine. We came back to mine with his friend in tow. Friend passed out on the sitting room floor and we went into adjoining bed room. I never told him i was a virgin. I remember he was well endowed. I may have been a virgin but with the guys before him it was a case of everything but full sex. It hurt but not as much as i thought. I had to keep the noise down as my friends were in the next bedroom and i think Gerry thought he was some stud as i moaned loudly from pain which he mistook as my enjoyment. He fucked me 3 times that night. I remember worrying about the blood and how i could clean it up some way. It was dark and he didn't notice. The next morning he got up and brought his friend with him. I didn't think I'd hear from him again to be honest and was a bit surprised when later that day he sent me a text telling me he enjoyed last night and could we meet up again. I didn't reply, i had no interest in seeing him again he had served his purpose i was no longer a virgin.

That story makes me sad. I wish i could have had the same experience as my friend B she waited and lost her virginity to a man she loves and is currently engaged to. Said man thinks I'm the biggest tramp going, its unfortunate but I've been out with them about 3 nights and all 3 nights i do the same bloody thing and just cop off with some random guy. I don't even like these fucking guys, its like i have to prove i can get i guy. However bad or disgusted i am by him.

Sunday, October 7, 2007

Can we have it all?

Today at work i was thinking a lot about Mr X (married guy wannabe Master) and what i have with him, basically what i want from life.

In a perfect relationship world this is what i want:

  • A guy who is available, no baggage, no wife no kids no hovering ex girlfriend
  • 5-10 yrs older than me
  • Dominant and into the mental as well as physical side of D/s
  • But in public he would be my boyfriend and act accordingly

  • I want a man to be as depraved if not more so than I am, treat me like a little whore but also have respect for me....is that asking too much?

P.s. still no text...

Saturday, October 6, 2007

My bedroom 10.35pm

This is all completely new to me and to be honest i firstly don't know why i started this blog and secondly if I'll even keep it up as I'm very fickle and tend to get bored quite easily.

Today i had a mini breakdown (i blame everything from my hormones to the moon cycle for these little "episodes") My life is fucked up and I'm hoping through this over time I'll "maybe" make some sense of things.

Perhaps i should explain the title - although it is self explanatory. I am a wannabe slut. Well actually i am a slut as much as i allow myself to be. I have a split personality - on 1 hand I'm this very "respectable" hard working girl. To the outside world I'm the girl next door.
I am a good person, i know that but then there's this wanton whore that just craves to be used, fucked. The problem lies in that i hold myself back from being a complete slut as i care way too much about what my friends, work colleagues, society will think. I'm in my late 20's and I've had 1 long term relationship which was a joke and in my mind doesn't even count. Everything else have been flings. I couldn't even start to count the amount of 1 night stands I've had. The thing is i don't actually feel bad or guilty about being promiscuous but what does bother me is my friends thinking I'm a slut (and they do).

As I've gotten older I've tried to change and at the moment I'm not as bad as i used to be but that's for other reasons not because the desire to fuck men isn't there. Over the last year or so I've moved on from just wanting normal sex to the D/s - M/s type relationship.

In short i think what i need is a Master - not only that but I've found 1 - half of me wants to go down this road with him and then half of me doesn't. I should point out firstly i met him online (well honestly where else will i meet him? its not a normal chat up line I'd use..."oh by the way would you be a Master looking for a fuck toy to use...") Also i know it may seem weird that i would have these feelings for someone i haven't met in person yet - Trust me i tell myself at least 5 times a day its fucked up.. It's me that's delaying the R/L meet, we've done everything else and after many months i feel i know him and some may say I'm naive but i trust him.

Its because of him I'm writing this. The reasons for and against accepting this man's offer for him to be my Master and me to be his personal whore, cum slut, fuck toy, bitch...

PROS

  • He turns me on like no man has before

  • Behind the facade he's a good person but like all men there's no denying he's led by his dick

  • He's shown a lot of patience (which says a lot when dealing with me - i freely admit when I'm good I'm very very good but when I'm bad I'm a needy bitch)

  • Its exciting

CONS

  • He's Married

  • I think I'm nothing more than an office distraction to him, something to pass the time when at work or wife and family are away.

  • I'm too emotionally involved - I wish i could just make it about sex (that's all it is to him)

  • Guilt (i have never set out to get involved with a married man, daily i feel for his wife and i know karma will bite me on the ass for this if i do go for it)

  • I hate being ignored - he will ignore texts which really drives me mad as i wouldn't do that, i wouldn't be allowed to do that but because I've agreed that i would like him as my Master i get no say (except here)

  • Since we first "met" I've been allowed NO physical contact with men - this is the hardest for me. I've to spend my evenings and weekends alone while he is with his wife and family.

Today I sent a text suggesting a break for a little while. I think I needed some time away from him but what really annoyed me is - no reply. I can almost guarantee once Monday comes and he's back in the office the texts will start to flow. I hope I'm strong enough to resist replying. It hurts that he has no time for me during the weekends or evening - I'm nothing!!!