You broke my heart.

Talking to a brick wall

I 'm so disappointed and angry with you right now. Pissed off is more accurate. I can't believe your this person now. This cold hard brick that now ignores me. Nothing infuriates me quite as much as being ignored. What really pisses me off is that I don't even know why. What makes worse is I don't think I actually did anything wrong. I think you've now morphed into his Russell wannabe character. You have your harem and I'm surplus to requirement. I can honestly say no one has ever treated me as appallingly as you have. I have never allowed someone in like I did you, I have never given to someone as I did you. You knew no matter what I would have been there for you. You are self serving, self bemused we joked about It, that if 2 mins went by that the focus is taken off you. Your job, your ex, your relationships with various and ever increasing loony women. The fights you have weekly. I listened I was there trough it all. I'm so pissed off with you now. How pathetic I was, I turned a blind eye to your faults. We did have fun. As you said we were clones but as soon as someone X 4 better comes along I'm disguarded like last xmas toy. One day you will realise what you turned your back on. Wait until the day they too are all gone and without doubt that day will come. You'll be back in your house alone again. You are so unbelievably selfish. I haven't been able to vent, to express myself so I use here. I can't believe someone can be so inconsiderate so ungrateful and selfish. I hope i've learned my lesson. I hope i can see your kind coming in the future. I just wait for the day you come crawling back like I know you eventually will so I can stamp all over you!

"Dominant Men"

I've come to the conclusion there are actually very few truly dominant men. Actually perhaps that's a little unfair, more accurately there are very few dominant men who are able for me. I start off with an open mind of any man who classes himself as dominant, i play the meek horny needy slut. Usually i am desperately horny at the time of meeting/chatting to them so as a means to an end ie. a powerful orgasm. They say all the right things at the beginning, they're cold, hard...

Over time they soften though, I get to know them, I figure out what makes them tick, I say what they want to hear knowing I have them wrapped around my finger. I start to see their weaknesses and they begin to disgust me. I lose any respect i had for them. I see them for what they really are and then slowly I back away and lose interest or worse hurt them.

I've always been told i have a sharp tongue and i don't suffer fools. When i detect weakness in these self proclaimed "dominant men" I go for the jugular. Not like a panther bouncing on his prey ripping it apart, it's more subtle than that, a snake wrapping it's body slowly around it's prey and squeezing the life out of it. They don't quite know what's happening until it's too late.

I'm not proud of myself, it doesn't give me pleasure but they repulse me so much i have to squash them like a disgusting spider. Do I hate men?

In my experience dominant men usually turn out to be married men who are desperate for any type of female attention. They think a slut/sub is easy pickings. Another type are the spoilt children. Usually an only child/youngest, close links with an elderly mother, knowing she won't be around forever seeks a replacement, a combination of devoted mother to the little emperor who'll wash, cook, clean, wait on him and a complete whore. I'm sure they're are other types but for now they are the most common I've come across.

Mr. X however proving the exception to the rule. Yes he's married but there's never that hint of desperation that the other married men who claim to be dominant exude. On the occasions he is softer with me I know it's not weakness, he can turn to steel in an instant.

As time goes on the more and more I'm convinced women are the dominant species we just like to play at being inferior for fun.

Brief visit

Can't believe how long it's been since I posted anything here. I think I just used this place to express some things I couldn't tell anyone. It's very useful for that. I wasn't sure what I was looking for. I was a bit lost and then I met someone. It's funny to read back on the previous post exclaiming I couldn't see myself with an Irish man that would quit me. How wrong I was. I've met someone who has become a great friend among everything else. This is truly new for me. None of my ex's have been a friend. Mr. X wasn't a friend even my ex I lived with for 3 yrs I wouldn't have clapped as a friend. Not like M. I've never met someone who 'gets' me like he does. Anyway enough gushing. I love him but I think we'll end up very good friends rather than a couple. I still have my needs and even though he's open to some I think I'd rather have him as a friend and find someone else to need other needs.

Class

Wow I can't believe it's been so long since I wrote something on here. I've been distracted by a new guy I've gotten to know but another non starter. I enjoyed getting to know him but it will never go anywhere.

He too is English (I don't think I can ever be an Irish guys slut, the Irish accent is too soft and Irish guys in general are too decent to really do the whole Master thing right) He's married but getting Divorced, no kids, he's a successful business man who's a Free Mason (not really sure what difference that makes but he makes a big deal about it so I act suitable impressed)

He's very open and I love that about him. He's splitting from his wife because she doesn't satisfy him in bed. It's not that she won't sleep with him, she wants to but in his words she's boring and he'd rather have a wank. I feel sorry for his wife because he hasn't even told her what the problem is, that he's into all this kinky stuff and she isn't. She doesn't even swallow so its fair to say his desires to piss in her mouth won't be happening. When he talks about her, he refers to her as 'it'. Again that sets off alarm bells.

I think he has the potential to be a great dominant to the right girl. He wants something full time. Once he's divorced from his wife he's looking for the right girl to move in with him. He has no objections to getting married again but no kids. I personally want kids one day but never with a dominant. I would never bring a child into that life or grow up within that relationship dynamics.

The biggest turn off for me regarding him is I think he'd fuck anything. He knows that nothing will happen between us but we remain in touch. Last week he met up with 2 different girls he met online and went dogging. Up until last week I innocently thought dogging was 2 people in a car fucking each other with the lights on and others could watch. I actually quite liked the idea of doing that but it turns out that his version of dogging and mine were different. Where he goes, its not just watching to strangers fuck and have a wank, the girl will wank spectators, give them blow jobs or get out of the car, bend over the passenger seat and offer herself to whoever wants to us her.

The fact he participates in these activities just leaves a bad taste in my mouth - he can't have any respect for himself. He's a man slut with no class. Mr.X had class - i miss him.

The thin line between reality and fantasy

Mr. X is gone for good. I've deleted his phone numbers and e mail addresses so i won't be tempted to get in touch and hopefully I will think less about him if I get rid of these things. As part of my detoxing programme for ridding Mr. X from my life I've started chatting to another guy over the last few weeks. He's the morphine to my heroin addiction. In the past I haven't been successful going cold turkey, I'm hoping this approach will work.

I am girl and he is Sir, he's my usual type, married, older than I (49), successful business man with a great English accent, he actually has a great deep rich voice. In so many ways he's great and gets me and understands what it is his girl needs but in others I honestly think he's in cloud cookoo land. Ideally what he wants is for me to move over to London so it will make it easier for his to use me without too many questions from his wife. I'm not oppose to the idea, I've no ties in Dublin but i wouldn't just give up my life to be some married mans play thing.

He expects me to be able to cum on average of 10 times a day. At a push i might be able to accomplish this for one or two days but not everyday. He calls me in the morning, evening, at work, out with friends and expects that i can cum for him over the phone, it doesn't matter where i am. Sometimes i admit i enjoy it and the risk but not ALL the time. The final straw came today. I'm on a long bus journey on a busy bus, he instructed me to fuck my arse with a coke bottle. A COKE bottle, on a busy PUBLIC bus! Not to mention that i didn't have any lube to get something of that size up there. I think the line between fantasy and reality is blurred in his case, or is it just me? Have girls done this in the past, is it possible.

Also he expects that I'll be able to squirt buckets when i cum, again is that possible in real life and not just in some porn film. It's never happened for me yet!

A short break

It's been a while since I've posted. Since last time I've celebrated a milestone birthday, had the best holiday of my life so far been invited to Germany for a weekend away with Mr. X, slept with an NYPD officer and it didn't disappoint. I didn't go to Germany with Mr. X, apart from the fact the dates clashed with my holiday i still wouldn't have gone. I still think about him a lot, some times more than others. I think it's because he has a lot of the qualities I look for in a man but haven't found in another yet. He's ambitious and driven, he's confident and laid back with a take me or leave me attitude, he's dominant but nurturing, he encouraged me to do better, to be better where other men i've been with have tried to push me down and were afraid or threatened by my success. One ex didn't want me to take a job i was offered because i would earn more than him and according to him, that was just not right. The fact Mr. X is a successful business owner and he was proud of my accomplishments. He's always encouraged me to be better in all areas of my life and i love that about him. Maybe the reason i hold him in such high regard comes down to that primitive level of seeking a mate who would be a good provider, a leader, protector. Sometimes I read articules that complain that men feel they no longer have a place in our modern world. Women no longer need men for financial support, to reproduce, to house or feed us but i for one am tired of the metrosexual males that tip toe around - bring back the John Waynes of this world, bring back the alpha male.

Prostitution

Before I even start I do want to point out I know the horrible truth behind prostitution, the smuggled girls, the real sex slaves and I'm appalled at some of the stories in the papers that appeared only this week.







However lately I've been having quite a few fantasies about being paid for sex. I don't know if it's the detached sex, that I wouldn't actually have to engage with this person beyond the physical act or if it's that my body would be used by this man for his pleasure and then discarded once I'd served my purpose? Is it the validation that this guy was actually willing to pay to have sex with me?

In truth I think it is all of the above. Once you accept money for sex, that's it, your fate is sealed. Your a whore. Nothing will ever change that, not in a weeks time or 70 yrs time, you will always be a whore. I'm torn in two as a person, I've mentioned so many times before, there's the "good" me and the "bad" me. I haven't allowed myself to explore half the stuff I desire, e.g Mr. X. He was so perfect for me in so many ways.

I read a book a few months ago called "sugarbabe" about a girl in Sydney, Australia who advertised for a sugar daddy. It was supposedly a true story but basically she would be this married man's paid mistress. He paid her to be available to him whenever and where ever he needed or wanted her. He would be given a key to her apartment so he could use it as his own when he needed to get away from things and she tended to all his needs...for a fee. I mentioned this to Mr X once. He just laughed.

In theory i like the idea and not because I'm some lazy sponger who wants to be supported. I have a good job which i love and i need to work hard and feel like I've done a proper days work to actually sleep at night and validate my existence. Its not the money that appeals (but of course it has its benefits), its that this person thinks I'm worth paying for.

The reality of the situation is different of course, as this girl found out, there's the feeling of rejection when they leave after a couple months. They don't owe you an explanation, your a service they paid for and can give up just as quick.

Taking all that in however I still would like to find out of someone would be willing to pay to sleep with me.

Weak Men

I've no time for weak men. They irritate, repulse and annoy me beyond belief. Men who whinge and moan when something doesn't go their way. Men who assume the world owes them a living. Oh poor me.... everyone is against me....it's everyone else's fault.....WELL maybe, just maybe its YOU! Maybe your mother was wrong and your not the reincarnation of Christ himself and you should get up off your arse and make something of your life instead of constantly moaning about how crap your life is and expecting everything to be handed to you.

What kind of "man" is quite happy and sees it as acceptable for everything in life to be handed to him! Who expects the people around him to pander to his every need and dare they protest at the injustice of it - then sulks! A man should have ambition and drive, a man should lead by example and therefore they command respect because he has damned well earned it. A man doesn't demand respect and then turn into a whinging bitch when he doesn't get it.

How can you expect me to truly submit to you, to look up to you and be completely devoted to you as a submissive needs to be when it's I who carry you. I have to be the strong one constantly, in the past I've supported you financially, emotionally, I have to carry your insecurities and silently deal with my own. Your not for me, that's why I broke up with you all those years ago. Why would I want to start it all up again? Your far too weak, needy and dependent. You drag me down.

This is a man who in the past has flogged me and drawn blood, who's raped my arse so savagely, pounded me so severely I couldn't sit for a full day and walked with difficulty for days after. I didn't complain or moan because there would have been no point.

Your have a fucking head cold....

Suck it up! ! ! !

Meeting G. Part 2

We get a taxi within minutes, the clubs hadn't closed yet so the streets weren't swamped by the drunken mobs. We both sit in the back and i give the taxi driver my address. There's the usual small talk with the driver as we start the journey, he talks to the driver about some match or other that was played earlier in the day as i stare out the window. My attention was brought back when i felt his hand between my thighs. I look at him but his focus is still with the driver...."Shame about Defoe.... Keane transfer..." pushing the flimsy material of my skirt up exposing the lace top of my hold ups... his hand slowly etching their way further up my thighs... i couldn't take my eyes off his fingers almost feather like on as they ran along the border that was the top of my hold up and bare flesh. I knew my thighs were damp, my thong had been soaked through before we even started chatting, when i first felt those cold eyes bore into me my juices flowed.... i blushed slightly when he turned to me and smiled knowing he had noticed too.

I remembered vividly being stuck at lights beside The Guinness Brewery when 2 fingers pushed my thong aside and plunged into my dripping wet hole. I was caught a little off guard by the force and moaned out, disguised pathetically as a cough. For the remainder of our journey, both men continued their conversation as i drifted in and out of a euphoric haze. I love being fingered, almost as much as being fucked, fingers probing, exploring almost! As the taxi pulls into my estate as quickly as he entered me i was left empty and wanting. He brought his hand up to my face now looking me in the eye he and ran his wet fingers along my cheek and outline of my lips before kissing me. As i reach back into the taxi to get my bag i notice a wet patch glisten in the street lights on the leather seats where I'd just sat.

Before i even had a chance to open my front door he had pinned me against it, turning me around to face him, he kissed me hard. The door handle digging into the flesh of my arse as he pressed his body against mine. I reach down to caress his crotch but he pushes my hand away and breaks the kiss. Inside i hear the two guys i live with downstairs so we go straight up to my room. My cunt now aching and contracting needing and wanting to be filled by him, to be stretched.

I close the door and he lays on my bed. He looks me up and down without saying a word then tells me to remove my dress. I look at him for a moment before pulling down the zip at the side of my dress. Removing the straps.. it drops to the floor around my ankles. I step out of it and walk towards him still in my heels, hold ups red bra and matching thong. He stands up and embraces me, kissing me hard as he unhooks my bra. He stands back drinking me in as he unbuttons his shirt. The anticipation is almost killing me.

His hand traces along the out line of my breast, my nipples twist up hard as his fingers tease and play, He pinches them hard then kissing them softly. His body pressed close to mine he drops to his knees with his arms around my waist. He pulls down my thong around my ankles and starts to finger me once again, looking up at me every so often as his fingers explore my cunt. His breath against my clit, his tongue now softly flicks and teases it... i feel my knees weaken as i grab his shoulders to support me. It takes only minutes before my knees buckle and i cum hard onto his face before falling back onto the bed.

I wanted more than ever for him to fuck me, his back was turned to me as he removes his pants and i plead with him to please fuck me, to please fuck me hard now. He turned around and my heart sank. I felt a mixture of disappointment and guilt. I tried my utmost for it not to show on my face. I closed my eyes as he lay down beside me and started to kiss me, to get on top of me. I'm ashamed to say i lost heart, my enthusiasm waned and I was no longer desired him madly as i had only a few minutes earlier. After my initial wave of disappointment and disbelieve if I'm honest subsided I felt incredible guilt. It was just so unexpected though, i hadn't even thought about his size. I just assumed.... I have been promiscuous in the past and have seen my fair share of cocks but I can honestly say I've never seen one quite as small as his. Even now I still feel dreadful even bringing it up. It wasn't his fault, there was nothing he or anyone else could do about it.

We did fuck, it wasn't the mind blowing, rip roaring fuck i was hoping for but he did his best. Out of guilt I gave him my number and promised to meet him again when he comes to Dublin. We've talked and texted, he's invited me over for a weekend. I hate myself for being so shallow but I doubt I'll be meeting up with him again.