Torn

I started this blog as a way of sorting out my feelings for Mr X. It was, it is a complicated situation and I needed some clarity - writing things down sometimes helps put things into perspective. I have gone through phases with Mr X and thought i was getting on without him, not really missing him, generally doing well. Slowly over the last couple of weeks I've been slowly drawn back in. Without me even knowing/realising I'm back to square one. Why can i not keep away from him? It makes me miserable to be close to him again. Its hard to describe. There's a part of me that wants to be a part of his life, a proper part. I know this will never, never happen. All i can ever hope for is a night in a sleazy hotel with him, that's the best it will get. He sent me a picture of himself at a garden party being held by the Queen. He looked so good in his tux. I'll never be taken to such an event by him, i will always be kept in the background - his dirty secret, his whore.

Why do i torturing myself like this? I should not stay in contact because things are never going to change and I'll never find someone of my own as long as I'm with him. I want to meet him though, i do but i know i won't. I never did sleep with my crush. I don't regret not sleeping with him but i think i will regret not at least meeting Mr X and then deal with the pain of rejection after if that will be the case. If he uses me and that's it - can i deal with it? Surely it would be better than the way things are now, at least then its over for good.

I keep telling myself its only hormones. I think it is too because I've been super horny for the last few days. I've cum on an average of 3 times a day. My poor rabbit vibe died yesterday. I've known it was on its last legs and was prepared, there's another on its way and should arrive any day now. When I'm overly sexed i do tend to get a bit emotional. It will pass and hopefully in the next couple of days i will be over this craving to want more from him than he can or is willing to give.

what do I want??

Mr X is back from holidays and the 3rd of June meeting deadline has been and gone. Again i didn't meet him in Belfast. I enjoy chatting with him, its fun and a safe escapism and once i may have considered the option of meeting him for real - now i can't see that happening in the short term future(next 6 months or so anyway) Never say never and therefore i don't want to burn my bridge with him. Its selfish and unfair of me to lead him on, which is kind of what i'm doing. Its not something i'm proud of, its easier to give him some false hope than to tell him straight out no. If i did that i'd never hear from him again and for now he helps fill a certain gap in my life.

I want to give up control to him, to submit to him but i want to do it on my terms which is a absolute contradiction in terms. I like things done my way, to have control over how things pan out. Giving him that control for real and voluntarily giving up any say is scary. The other side of the coin is that being sexually submissive turns me on like nothing else. It is something i would like to explore, in my own time, with someone i trust... in many ways he's perfect just not quite!

Up until 4 years ago being the dominant partner in a relationship was what turned me on. i had a 6 month relationship with a submissive guy when i lived in London which i enjoyed very much. He was a great partner who was very open minded. He has recently got back in touch and has asked if there was any chance for us to get back together. As we are now in different countries this isn't likely and also i'm not interested in living a 24/7 Domme/sub lifestyle which is deeply what he is looking for. I am still very fond of him and am considering allowing him to visit and serve me for a weekend.

I've been out with my crush again - we went for dinner and drinks. I'm not so sure about him anymore. He's a nice guy but a little dull. I like guys who i can learn from, who are not necessarily intellectual but who have a broad knowledge of subjects. Someone who's life isn't football and cars. Someone who has an air of sophistication about them. Also he's not a great kisser - he's not bad but not great either. I'll give him another chance - it's only fair??