This is all completely new to me and to be honest i firstly don't know why i started this blog and secondly if I'll even keep it up as I'm very fickle and tend to get bored quite easily.
Today i had a mini breakdown (i blame everything from my hormones to the moon cycle for these little "episodes") My life is fucked up and I'm hoping through this over time I'll "maybe" make some sense of things.
Perhaps i should explain the title - although it is self explanatory. I am a wannabe slut. Well actually i am a slut as much as i allow myself to be. I have a split personality - on 1 hand I'm this very "respectable" hard working girl. To the outside world I'm the girl next door.
I am a good person, i know that but then there's this wanton whore that just craves to be used, fucked. The problem lies in that i hold myself back from being a complete slut as i care way too much about what my friends, work colleagues, society will think. I'm in my late 20's and I've had 1 long term relationship which was a joke and in my mind doesn't even count. Everything else have been flings. I couldn't even start to count the amount of 1 night stands I've had. The thing is i don't actually feel bad or guilty about being promiscuous but what does bother me is my friends thinking I'm a slut (and they do).
As I've gotten older I've tried to change and at the moment I'm not as bad as i used to be but that's for other reasons not because the desire to fuck men isn't there. Over the last year or so I've moved on from just wanting normal sex to the D/s - M/s type relationship.
In short i think what i need is a Master - not only that but I've found 1 - half of me wants to go down this road with him and then half of me doesn't. I should point out firstly i met him online (well honestly where else will i meet him? its not a normal chat up line I'd use..."oh by the way would you be a Master looking for a fuck toy to use...") Also i know it may seem weird that i would have these feelings for someone i haven't met in person yet - Trust me i tell myself at least 5 times a day its fucked up.. It's me that's delaying the R/L meet, we've done everything else and after many months i feel i know him and some may say I'm naive but i trust him.
Its because of him I'm writing this. The reasons for and against accepting this man's offer for him to be my Master and me to be his personal whore, cum slut, fuck toy, bitch...
PROS
- He turns me on like no man has before
- Behind the facade he's a good person but like all men there's no denying he's led by his dick
- He's shown a lot of patience (which says a lot when dealing with me - i freely admit when I'm good I'm very very good but when I'm bad I'm a needy bitch)
- Its exciting
CONS
- He's Married
- I think I'm nothing more than an office distraction to him, something to pass the time when at work or wife and family are away.
- I'm too emotionally involved - I wish i could just make it about sex (that's all it is to him)
- Guilt (i have never set out to get involved with a married man, daily i feel for his wife and i know karma will bite me on the ass for this if i do go for it)
- I hate being ignored - he will ignore texts which really drives me mad as i wouldn't do that, i wouldn't be allowed to do that but because I've agreed that i would like him as my Master i get no say (except here)
- Since we first "met" I've been allowed NO physical contact with men - this is the hardest for me. I've to spend my evenings and weekends alone while he is with his wife and family.
Today I sent a text suggesting a break for a little while. I think I needed some time away from him but what really annoyed me is - no reply. I can almost guarantee once Monday comes and he's back in the office the texts will start to flow. I hope I'm strong enough to resist replying. It hurts that he has no time for me during the weekends or evening - I'm nothing!!!
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