Hormones

The date of meeting Him has been moved - its now 14 April. When He told me this on Tuesday my heart fell. i've tried to tell Him, explain to Him that i'm not ready. After i missed the last deadline and He "seemed" alright about it i must admit i breathed a huge sigh of relief that i'd bought myself some extra time - or so i thought.

We were in contact a lot more than normal on Wed & Thurs as i was off and at His disposal. This extra time is a double edged sword. i love chatting to Him, speaking to Him (God His voice alone can make me cum) but then after work He goes home to His wife and family and i'm forgotten and left alone for the night with too much time to think. On Thursday after He hung up and said goodbye for the night i just felt empty and alone. i couldn't do this anymore. i'm an independent person, i have a good job, i have never depended on anyone for anything but with Him, He makes me needy and dare i say almost clingy(not quite as i stop myself but almost).... On Thursday night i made the fateful decision through puffy teary eyes that i was going to e mail and end it once and for all.

i had one "get out of jail free", one thing that i knew if i said - that would be it, He would be gone. i knew once i said it, once i sent the e mail that was it, i couldn't take it back - it was final. i told Him i wanted more than to be just His slut on the side. When i wrote the text in my emotional state i did want more, i just wanted for once to know i meant something to Him. i didn't exactly know what more meant. i never meant leave His wife or anything like that. That i did NOT want. His whole attraction is the fact He is unavailable. i think if He was free and single i might not have the same burning desire to be owned by Him. It would have been nice to know i fitted in somewhere in His life. i know i would never be 1st of even 7th priority on His list but to be somewhere in His top 10.

It worked, i got a text on Friday morning - Thanking me, telling me He had a great time and bye! That was it. All Friday i cried - i was at work and suddenly i'd feel my cheeks were wet again. i had to leave work an hour early. Its about a 15-20 min walk from the train station to my house and it was lashing rain. i would normally get a taxi in such weather but i walked in the rain, soaked to the skin...crying. What a cliche... i did feel like my heart would break on Friday night. i woke up Saturday and was ok, not great but no tears.

Today i got my period - suddenly my erratic rash behaviour from Thursday and the crying on Friday all made sense - Fucking Hormones!!
i wasn't expecting my period for another week. i should have known but it never even occurred to me. i've fucked everything up and lost Him because of hormones turning me from normally just plain horny to needy.... yuk yuk yuk... Men don't understand that during these 3-4 days we/i can go from sobbing crying to irrational anger to unbelievable horny to irritated in the space of a half an hour. Not to mention the cravings, bloated feelings, constipation...

i keep looking at my phone, hoping for a text. i try to tell myself not to do this. Its best if i try to forget Him for now, not to build up my hopes that maybe He will send a text or e mail. It was so final - i really do have to accept that He's gone.