Today - Monday 31st March was suppose to be the first day i was to meet Mr X (my Master) yes He's still on the scene. The reason we didn't meet is basically because i am a coward. i couldn't go through with it. i want to i really do and i think i've given myself an ulcer over the last few weeks from anxiety and stress over this meeting. i know how much He wants to meet, how much He needs to use me. He is getting very frustrated and His patience is wearing thin, i don't blame Him its been about 9 months now.
i'm really afraid of getting hurt, not physically but more emotionally. i think its very probable that He will use me for 1 night only as His whore and i never hear from Him again. Am i able for that? i adore Him i really do. Not just as a Master but as a person. He has so many good qualities, qualities that i look for in a guy but i know i will never be any more than a whore on call to Him. He loves that i adore Him, He loves to hear me say i love Him (i do) it gives Him that control over me - i however will never as long as i'm with Him hear the same back. i am a fuck toy - that's it.
A few weeks ago we fell out. He hurt me a lot by a comment He made. i told Him i need more, not from Him but in general. Its not easy being alone every night, He's ok, i'm forgotten once He leaves the office and goes home to His wife and family. The conversation went something like - "what do you expect... love?" followed by "don't be silly" - and there it was in black and white - He couldn't give a fuck about me or my feelings.
i'm still here though, i still want Him, He still has that power over me. He is my drug and even though its killing me inside - i'm addicted.
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1 comment:
wow. i don't blame you for being scared. To me, there is no such thing as a casual D/s or M/s relationship. If you could handle being a 'mistress' knowing it will never progress to a permanent relationship it would be ok, but it sounds like you want more...you deserve more as a submissive...if you feel you have a lot to offer, there are tons and tons of Masters who do want a 24/7 relationship. It takes patience and time and you have to be careful...even I don't know if my Master is everything I am looking for...but he seems to be and no red flags yet...keep in touch and let me know if you need to talk.
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