On Strike!

I'm starting to get worried about myself. In the last 3 months i can count on 2 hands how often i've cum. Thats less than ten times in 3 months. I have at times in the past experience times of 'drought' but those spells would only last 2 wks at most. I have no sex drive, i'm finding it hard to get turned on. I've tried porn, images, stories but they are having very little effect at the moment. I'm putting this lack of desire down to 2 things, being tired and basically not having to time to unwind and get relaxed enough to allow myself to get turned on or that my cunt misses Mr X. Its on strike at the moment, a deal will have to be made soon as the rest of me is suffering under this current 'dispute'. I'm going to try and get some time off next week to relax and see if that helps. If it doesn't i have only 1 option left. He has made remarks in the past about owning my cunt which i laughed off - maybe he really does i just didn't know it!

Changes

Since my holiday I have made a lot of effort to change my situation. The time away cleared my mind, I am focused now on what I really want and I hope the changes I am making will have the desired effect. So far...

.... I have laid the groundwork to leave my main job and go full time in my 2nd job. For a while I wasn't sure if I would be offered a full time position but I did let them know I wasn't happy in my main job and was planning on leaving. I got offered a better package than I could have hoped for and am delighted. I'm afraid to let myself get too excited in case it all falls through. The thought of being stuck in my main job any longer than I have to depresses me so fingers crossed all goes to plan and by Xmas I will only have 1 job and some spare time for myself. I told myself I wasn't going to tell anyone in case it didn't work out, but I can't help myself. After I tell someone else new I'm kicking myself, I should really shut my mouth until contracts have been signed. At my main job now when my boss pisses me off it takes all my strength to bite my tongue and not tell her to shove her job....

.... I've started a part time course. I hope to move into this career choice eventually. It will take about 4 yrs of studying to finish but if I enjoy it I'll stick with it....

.... I'm sorting out my debt. Its something I've been pushing to the back of my mind for about 2 years and its only getting worse. I've had a chat to a financial advisor, I'm consolidating my credit card, over draft and loan in one and paying it all off as 1 bill. It's such a relief just to have that sorted. I probably now should get rid of my credit card, maybe hiding it under the bed will work....

.... I'm getting rid of all bad habits (or at least trying to) I'm starting to eat healthier, try to fit in some exercise although at the moment with 2 jobs its not easy but when I'm only down to 1 I have no excuse....

.... and speaking of bad habits - Mr. X is gone. Enough is enough, he's married and, well, a selfish prick that I can do without....

I hate change, it scares me, it unsettles me. I like routine, I like to know what's going to happen but sometimes things need to change and evolve if we are to live up to our true potential and not live forever wondering..... what if???

Heroes and Ghosts

I've been away for the best part of the last 2 months. It was an amazing holiday and at the moment I'm finding it hard to get back into normal mundane life again but unfortunately credit cards have to be paid off so no time for slacking.

My time away has given me a lot of time to think - What is it I want from life? I'm not happy the way my life is going at the moment. I need to change everything, my job (or at least give up one of them), my priorities, the way I take care of myself. Its a really scary thought but its something I really want to do if I can. It scares me so much the very thought of giving up 1 of my jobs. Will I be able to survive on 1 wage? Am i willing to give up some of my luxury and frivolous spending? I do waste a lot of money on nothing really, rubbish. I've been stuck in a rut for a while now and I need to break out of it, I'm ready now....i think.

This song is very beautiful. This particular version is in Irish and has a very poignant film reel of some of Ireland's past and hopefully a time that will stay in the past. The english version is also available on "youtube"

The Pet

I want to see this movie! Basic idea is there's a troubled American girl who meets a rich French guy. They date, he suggests she becomes his submissive, well more than that, she will be his pet. She agrees and falls in love with her Master - then it gets a bit weird from what I seen from the trailer (not this one) but the french guy has a bit of a collection of "pets" and one night he goes on a slave auction website to find out the value of his property. Just out of curiosity. Some bad guys (Russians probably - they always are) steal his collection to sell on the black market and I'm guessing the rest of the movie is Master and pet fight to be reunited.





Mr X is back

I ignored his calls, texts and e mails for as long as I could but I wasn't strong enough to resist any longer. I know I'm a glutton for punishment and I'll probably regret allowing him back in a few weeks. In saying that he has changed. He said he's accepted that I'll only meet in my own time and before he had a hard time dealing with that as he felt we weren't going anywhere but now he said he'd rather have me in his life just as we are now than not at all. I think he missed me. I still don't think I'm ready to meet him, not because he's married, not becasue I don't trust him, i do. If there is anyone I want to go down this submissive path with, its him. I trust him. He's stuck around for about a year and a half now - am I being niave thinking that maybe I might mean something more to him than "just another slut"?

What we have chatted about is me being his sumissive, his puppy, his pet. That's why I think I would really like to see this movie. In reality would it be what I imagine. Will I be able to submit to him? How will I feel having to wear a collar, being lead on all 4's by a leash? eat and drink from a dog bowl, Having to sit at someones feet, having to put his needs, his wants before mine? Giving up control scares me and excites me in equal parts. Having these doubts, will this mean I will be a shit submissive, a complete disappointment to him? I have body issues (i hate my body) am i going to be comfortable enough in my own skin to display myself so fully to him? No clothes, No sheets to cover up with, thats all part of the deal, thats what he's bought into and the conditions I have accepted. These are just some of the bricks that make up the wall that is blocking me from taking that next step.

Cunt

Re-Posted :This is one of my favourite stories and it gets me off everytime. I had forgotten about it until today and it still has the same effect today as when I first read it.

Cunt


He calls me cunt because that's all I am to him. A cunt for him to do as he pleases with. I have no name, I have no face, I have no purpose but to serve him.

"Cunt!" he yells through the house. "Get your slutty little twat over here."

I scuttle into the kitchen where he stands, looking at me with disapproval. "What the hell is this?" he demands. I look around but am uncertain to what the problem is. Everything looks to be in place.

He grabs my hair and yanks my head downward. "This," he tells me, showing me the scuff marks on the floor. "Get down there and clean this shit up." Then he throws me to the ground, smushes me to the ground with his booted foot, and throws a wet rag on top of my naked body.

I don't wear clothes around the house, I'm not allowed. I am a cunt and that's all I am- so why would I cover that up? Why would I be modest? I do as my master tells me to and parade my shaved cunt around wherever I go. He tells me several times a day that it's the only piece of me worth a dime. And even then, it's worth just about that.

I wash the floor on my hands and knees, my blond hair dragging in the mud while my master looks on amused. It gives him pleasure to see me in pain or humiliated. I keep my body close to the floor, knowing that if I lift it too much, I will be punished. Sure enough, I am too high off the ground and his boot comes down on me once again. "I want your tits to drag bitch." I lower myself both physically and with humility. I am his cunt. I must do as he commands.

"Who's little cunt are you?" he demands, as if reading my thoughts.

"Yours Sir," I answer promptly and with, I hope, the proper amount of humility.
"Your little cunt sir. To do with as you please."

The small kitchen floor is clean now and he orders me to roll over on my back. Then he takes the rag that I have been cleaning with and wrings it out over my body. The dirty cold water trickles over my belly and back onto the floor.

"What will my little cunt do for me?"

"Anything that you ask, Sir."

"Lick up that water from the floor," he directs.

I reach my tongue out, quivering. I don't want to do it, but I know I must. Just as the tip of my tongue touches the dirty brown puddle, he shoves me again with his booted foot and I sail across the floor and land unceremoniously in a heap.

"That's enough," he orders. Although his tone is still sharp, I know I have pleased him by my willingness to obey him unquestioningly, "Now, mop it up with your hair. Keep your body low. Your tits to the floor," he reminds me.

As I use my shiny blond hair to sop up the muddy floor, I can't help but cry. I know this was meant to be better than being forced to lick the dirty floor clean with my tongue. Certainly, it is better. But I feel so humiliated, dragging my body over the floor and using my hair as a rag. Fat tears run down my face. I know I am not allowed to wipe them away without his permission so I continue the job he has assigned me.

"Aww. Is the little cunt crying?" he asks in mock sympathy. His voice is full of scorn and contempt. "I love a nice wet cunt. You know I do. Cry for me cunt. I want you dripping wet when I fuck you.

"I try to cry silently, not giving him the satisfaction of my sobs and I am mainly successful. I finish the job and lay there on the ground dirty and humiliated, waiting for his instruction.

They come in a very physical way as he grabs my hair and pulls me up to my knees. A shiver goes through my body as I wonder what further abuse awaits me. Knowing my place, I keep my eyes low, focused on the floor at his feet. I hear rather than see him unzip, and then he reaches down and grabs my chin, pulling my face up toward him. He grasps his cock, hard and proud in his hand and wipes it forcefully over the tears on my face. I feel his organ twitch and grow still harder as he does so. "Oh yes," he says, "This cunt is going to be nice and wet when I fuck it."

Now he lets go of my chin and takes a hold of me by the sides of my head with a fistful of hair in each hand. "Open up cunt. I'm going to fuck you now." My mouth opens for his use and he inserts his throbbing cock past my lips. I have no time to lick or tease his cock-head as he immediately begins fucking my face, even as the tears continue to fall. I nearly gag, but he has trained me to take it deep into my throat and I do my best to relax and accept it."

It's a filthy little cunt," he comments "but at least it's nice and wet." It is me that he refers to as 'it' as I am nothing but a thing to him, a cunt to use as he pleases. I am here for his pleasure and my own is incidental. Nothing more than a testament to his own prowess.

"That's it cunt," he tells me. "Every part of you is a cunt for me. Even your mouth is just another cunt for me to fuck. You're worthless as anything other than a cum rag, and you know it." My body is on fire as the sting of his words burns through me. An uncomfortable arousal is growing within me. I need this to feel free, to allow myself the pleasures that lay ahead if I please him. I need this, but it hurts just the same. I don't want to need it but I do. As the tears flow down my face, I can only hope that his words will become even more hurtful and humiliating. I need to take this abuse as much as he needs to give it. My nipples twist up almost painfully, as if to prove that there is pleasure in my pain.

"Choke on it bitch!" he screams as he rams his cock deeper into my throat. "Your pain is my pleasure. Choke on my thick cock." He rams it deep now, yanking my head in toward his stomach. The force is greater than I can bare now and I succumb, choking and sputtering on his forceful tool. He pulls out of me, pleased that he has overwhelmed me, knowing that I can endure no more.

"Does the little cunt want a proper fucking?" he asks disdainfully.

"Yes Sir," I answer, barely above a whisper.

"Then get down on all fours and bark little bitch.

"I can do nothing but obey. My knees hurt from all the time I've spent serving him on this hard tile, following every direction given as quickly as my body can move. My barking is sharp and high and comes out even sharper as he slaps my ass forcefully with the flat of his hand. "Oh yes, a cunt has to be nice and red," he tells me as he spanks me again and again. My barking does not cease. I tremble to think what punishment would befall me if it did. Now that he has assigned me the roll of a dog, my punishment would surely follow suit.

"Dirty. Filthy. Bitch." Each word is accompanied by it's own harsh slap. It is difficult to tell which hurts more or which gives me greater pleasure. "Nasty. Twat. Cheap. Whore. Low. Disgusting. Worthless. Trash." The insides of my thighs were damp and he knew it. Instead of slapping my burning backside again, he pushed a finger past my ass-cheeks into my wet quim Slowly and tortuously he teased my hungry lips with small circular motions designed to make my arousal progress. Sure enough, I could soon feel my liquids dripping down the inside of my legs.

"Your twat is wet, cunt," he tells me. "Dripping in fact. I can smell your skanky twat juices whore. I know you like being treated like a filthy rag. Why don't you tell me how much you like it."

"Yes Sir," I answer with a shiver. "I love it when you treat me like a filthy cum rag and use me for your pleasure. I love it when you humiliate me and make me cry. I'm just a worthless cunt. I don't deserve to be fucked by your magnificent cock. I don't even deserve to be allowed to serve you. Thank you for letting a worthless cunt like me serve you and be your soiled cunt rag.

"The words send further shivers through my body. I have not made them up on the spot. Presently I can't think. There is no way I could have formed the thoughts to answer him properly. A week ago he gave them to me, neatly typed on an index card and ordered me to remember them. They are the only acceptable answer to his question. If I am off by even one word, the punishment will be severe. Every week or so, he writes me out a new response to memorize and part of my job of serving him is to learn it immediately and flawlessly. He accepts no error, no mistake in my service. Only total compliance.

"You're right cunt. You don't deserve it. But what you really are is a piece of shit whore, aren't you?"

"Yes Sir."

"Say it cunt."

I can barely choke out the words. "I'm a piece of shit whore Sir."

"Why cunt? Tell me why?"

This is the hardest part. He always seems to put me through it. I take a ragged breath and begin. "Because when you found me, I was so desperate, I was willing to do anything."

"You're still desperate aren't you cunt?"

"Yes Sir."

"Only now what are you desperate for?"

"You're cock Sir. Please. I've got to have it."

"Oh dear, my slutty little cunt. You need to do better than that. I've heard you beg. I know you can do better."

"Master please," I start to beg. "I have to have your hard cock stuffed up my wet twat, Sir." I am not allowed to call it a pussy because that sounds too nice and I'm not allowed to call it a cunt because that is all of me. A cunt may not have a cunt and a cunt may not have a pussy. A cunt may only have a twat. "Please Sir, I'd do anything to have that magnificent cock crammed up inside my horny wet twat. I need it Sir, I'm a horny slutty little cunt. Please let me have it. My slutty little twat is dripping soaking wet. I'm begging you. Use my twat as your fuck toy and then use the rest of me as your cum rag. Please master, Please."

Real tears of longing and frustration came into my eyes. My body was in such a high state of arousal the thought of not being fucked, the idea that he might leave me there on the cold tile to suffer was beginning to be physically painful. I was willing to suffer any torture to be fucked by him and fucked hard and he knew it. I had done it many times. I had submitted the most unimaginable humiliations and pains just to be allowed to reach my tongue out to touch the tip of his cock.:

"Please fuck your property, Sir. Your little cunt is a nasty little nymphomaniac. My only pleasure comes from your cock and from serving you."

At last, I had found the right words. I was rewarded by him grabbing a handful of my hair and yanking my head forcefully. "Will you swallow my load cunt? Will you like up all my jiz when I empty my balls all over your face? Will you clean your juices off my cock after I've fucked your twat and made you cum on my dick?"

"Yes Master, please," Not only would I, I couldn't wait for him to shoot his wad across my lips and chin and neck. He never comes inside me, but always on me. It's one of my favorite parts and gets me horny all over again until he's ready to fuck me some more. He keeps me in a constant state of arousal so that I'm ready to be fucked and willing to do anything at a moments notice.

I could barely stand the wait by the time he plunged his monster thick cock into my crevice. I could feel him spreading my hunger lips as he entered me, all the time keeping a firm grip on my hair. His strokes where long and measured but hard, firm. He slammed into me each time, causing his balls to slap into me from behind. The pressure on my knees made it difficult to stay up, but my hungry pussy demanded that they not give out. The pain in my ass burned out of control. My head hurt from constantly being yanked around. Yet I craved more pain. "Pull harder!" I begged him as he gave my hair a good yank.

His thrusting sped up now, and I knew he'd be cumming soon. The thought of his salty spounge on my face made me lick my lips hungrily. "Feed me your hot cum," I begged him. "Let your little cunt swallow it all down like a hot meal.

"He grunted and gave me one last thrust as my twat contracted and juices flowed from it. "Come for me cunt bitch," he commanded needlessly. He pulled out of my sopping wet gash and yanked me around to face him. His cumm shot out in hot jets over my lips and my open mouth. He could have got it all into my mouth, but her preferred to cover my face with the sticky goo. When he finished, and his balls were emptied across my cheeks he shoved his cock at me for cleaning. I sucked all of my juices off him until he pulled out of my mouth and ordered me to clean myself off. Now I scooped the cum up from the sides of my face and into my mouth and swallowed it noisily.

I wanted to lay there decadently enjoying my own sluttiness, but he had other plans for me. "You've used up your purpose here cunt. Now go to your cage till I want you again." I crawled to my room, a barren square with a large metal cage and let myself in. My master came in to chain my arms and legs to the bars so that my legs were spread but I could not touch myself. The only other thing in the room was a TV and that was turned on to some porn. Here I would wait in sweet agony until my services were needed again.

Masterbation

For the last few days I've had this terrible anxious feeling. Its a tightness in my chest and i can't quite breathe right. The air just doesn't seem to go all the way down to the bottom of my lungs, no matter how hard i try to breathe deeply. I hate this feeling because I'm on edge expecting something bad to happen and i hate to admit this but it usual does.

One of my ways of de-stressing is masturbation. Masturbation has been something i have done since i was very young. I remember lying in bed at night making myself cum and I couldn't have been any older than 5 or 6. It would be many years before I realised what I was actually doing and that it had a name. I never gave it much thought, even up to my 20's. Its something I've always done, it is a part of my life and I can't remember ever not doing it. I find it very hard to sleep at night if I don't cum. I never talked about masturbation with anyone, I knew it wasn't really something i should be doing. I've never hid the fact I masturbate from my sexual partners.

My ex who i was with and lived with for 3 yrs asked once when I started. I told him I was very young, about 5 or 6. He was a bit shocked and said "you know that's not normal??" I got a bit defensive and brushed his comment aside. What right had he to tell me what was or was not normal behaviour? He wouldn't drop the subject - he said more than likely I was molested when I was younger because children that young don't know about their sexual organs. I completely dismissed this theory and didn't give it much more thought. Years later and i started to see a psychotherapist - turns out he was right, i was molested but I'd blocked it out. The brains a funny thing really, how it can block out something like that, so much so that i had no recollection of the incidents until many many years later.

I'm very grateful that I do masturbate, i know many women don't. I feel doing so has so many benefits. It helps me sleep, it helps me wake up, it warms me up on cold winter nights, it de-stresses me (which i think for me replaces the need to drink or take drugs to get that high), it eases any aches or pains i may have, its hugely pleasurable, its free, it keeps me young looking (scientific fact)... the benefits go on and on and i personally think there should be a campaign to get women to masturbate more. By exploring your body you know what turns you on, what gets you off and that can only be good when with your partner.

Friends...gone but not forgotten.

Tonight I'm feeling very alone. This is why i try to stay so busy, this is why i have 2 jobs - so that i don't experience this horrible feeling of emptiness inside. Most of the time I'm happy enough with my life but every so often i stop, and then get time to reflect fully on what exactly I'm doing with my life.

Yes i have a job and I'm not worried about money, yes i have a roof over my head and the fact I'm renting I'm glad about considering current threatened recession. Yes i have friends but not the real soul mate tell anything to kind and i have no one special in my life.

One of the greatest sadness's and regrets in my life is the loss of 2 of the most special friends I've ever had. Its been over 6 yrs now since we fell out and my heart still breaks on nights like tonight when i think of them both. I never felt like i belonged or was accepted more than i did when i was with them. We were friends for 10 yrs, we went to school together and moved in together when we went to college. We shared various grotty holes (rented as flats) for a further 5 yrs and I've never had such a fantastic times in my life as i did when i was friends with them. The most menial chores like going to the laundrette or down to the shop was fun. I look back on that time and all i can remember is laughing.. i know it wasn't always like that and we tend to remember the good times but honestly 90% of those times were fantastic. I've gone over and over in my head so many times where out friendship broke down. I can't pinpoint anything in particular that happened but over the space of a year we drifted apart. Getting real jobs and working different schedules didn't help but it was more than that. I was changing, i didn't think i was changing as a friend to them, i didn't think overall i acted any differently but when we did go out and i let loose the slut within - this caused friction.

I resented the fact that i was given the silent treatment after a night out if i brought a guy home. They didn't do that as much as me but it didn't meant they didn't do it at all. Did i treat them in the same way after a night that they may have brought a guy home - no. It didn't make them any worse of a friend just like i believe it didn't make me any worse of a friend either. Over time i was given the cold shoulder and frozen out. I worked different ours and more and more i didn't go out with them anymore.

Eventually things got so bad we stopped talking altogether. I knew things were truly over when my birthday came around and we didn't celebrate together as we always always had. I moved out and that was the end. I look back now and wonder if i would have changed anything. Would i not get off with those guys on all those nights out. To be honest, i would still do the same again. It was part of my sexual awakening. I needed to experiment, to get it out of my system. My only wish is that they would have accepted me as i was and not judge me for what i did on a night out once a week.

After all this time I'm still not over it. I still cry on nights like tonight for the years of great friendship I've lost. Don't get me wrong i have a wide circle of friends now but none, well none quite make it to the gold circle. As friends go they truly were my soul mates. I miss them.

Saturday night in

Last night I had a quiet night in. I was wreaked after work and wasn't in the mood to get ready to face crowded bars and taxi queues. I invited Malcolm* (reunited friend from last week) over to watch a dvd... All day yesterday at work I was feeling horny. I get like this sometimes when all I can think of is sex, being fucked, sucking, licking... At work I didn't want to be disturbed from my thoughts, i wanted to go into a secluded corner, room, closet, somewhere no one would find me and just be with my thoughts. My thoughts varied from being a slut whore serving my Master to having a slut whore serve me. Both appeal.

Obviously Malcolm knows nothing of this side of me (no one in my real life at the moment does) the slut, whore, fuck toy wannabe side. We're about to watch the dvd and i can't sit still. Ever get that restless leg thing during long journeys, i had the equivalent of that but it was my cunt that was tingling. I knew i wouldn't be able to sit still and relax to watch the movie if i didn't pay it some attention. What I wanted to do was ask him to touch me, to finger fuck me slowly to start.. I couldn't bring myself to ask him - how could I, what on earth would he think? So i asked him to pause it a few minutes and that I just remembered I had a to call someone and I'll be back in a minute. So i ran upstairs, serviced myself and was back down within about 10 mins, a bit red and flushed, yes but I'd had my fix and was feeling content for now.

During the movie i was getting constant thoughts, no, more longings of wanting to be on my knees between his thighs and for want of a better word - worshipping his cock. Kissing, sucking, licking, holding it in my mouth, i wanted to feel his balls in my mouth, to feel it go hard, hitting the back of my throat as he relaxed back on the sofa watching the movie. I wasn't interested in what we were watching, i just wanted to be used by him.

We did eventually have sex, in my bed... yawn... it was nice sex...

I did wake up in the middle of the night fingering myself. I tend to do this from time to time during these phases. I had to try and be quiet in case i woke him next to me. I think the reason I'm so horny at the moment might have something to do with the full moon. I can't think of any other reason.

Jump Start

Its 2 weeks today since Mr X left my life. After a (brief) mourning period and a week or so of no libido i went "on the lash" for the weekend and oh my God it was just what i needed. Due to work commitments it has been a few weeks since i truly let my hair down and literally couldn't give a fuck about anything. I went out for the sole purpose of have a great time which is exactly what i did.

Saturday night in a bar in town i met a guy i haven't seen in years. I was "seeing him" for a brief period. It was so great to see him again. Even after almost 6 years he hadn't changed much. We flirted with each other so easily, i felt so comfortable in his company. When his hand run up down back resting on my arse cheek it felt great, i could feel the electricity run down my spine and my cunt start to twitch. I knew within 10 Min's i was going to sleep with him that night. Before i knew it we had isolated ourselves in a corner, we were in our own little world completely oblivious to what was happening around us. It was quite intense.

He asked why i never called or answered his texts all those years ago. He reminded me how i had ended it with him. I was such a bitch, i just dropped him. No explanation, nothing i just ignored him. We were young i was like a kid in a sweet shop and just couldn't settle for 1 boy when there was so many more out there. I wanted to try them all, the boy with the stud in his tongue that worked in the off licence, the boy with the bleached blond hair that looked like Eminem, They boy in the corner shop that had that cute dimple, the bouncer in the pub who had that gorgeous Italian look... i wanted them all but how could i possibly make time for them if i had a boyfriend as well. In those days most men had an expiry date of 3 nights out at most. It was then time for a new flavour sweet.

We went back to mine and i have to admit he had improved with age. I don't remember the sex before being particularly memorable but he definitely rocked my world Saturday night. On our way home i pulled him into a small park close to where i live. He pushed me up against the tree and lifted my skirt, his hands rough against my skin.. my inner thighs moist from our night of flirting, the anticipation of what i knew was to come. Pulling my thong to one side, the bite of the cold night air causing me to gush. His fingers teasing my clit as we kissed deeply... I felt so completely un-inhibited and free.

Before this weekend i was like a dead car battery and he was my jump leads. He kick started me up again and since that night i have been so fucking horny, i even rang him last night after work to meet me at my place and be there when i got home. Today before i went to work i came twice within an hour using my trusted rabbit vibe (this is unheard of for me as its a very powerful vibe and it usually takes a day or 2 to recover) I think i may have over done things a little though. I'm feeling very tender down there at the moment and i swear i think i was walkin a bit funny at work this evening.