Friends...gone but not forgotten.

Tonight I'm feeling very alone. This is why i try to stay so busy, this is why i have 2 jobs - so that i don't experience this horrible feeling of emptiness inside. Most of the time I'm happy enough with my life but every so often i stop, and then get time to reflect fully on what exactly I'm doing with my life.

Yes i have a job and I'm not worried about money, yes i have a roof over my head and the fact I'm renting I'm glad about considering current threatened recession. Yes i have friends but not the real soul mate tell anything to kind and i have no one special in my life.

One of the greatest sadness's and regrets in my life is the loss of 2 of the most special friends I've ever had. Its been over 6 yrs now since we fell out and my heart still breaks on nights like tonight when i think of them both. I never felt like i belonged or was accepted more than i did when i was with them. We were friends for 10 yrs, we went to school together and moved in together when we went to college. We shared various grotty holes (rented as flats) for a further 5 yrs and I've never had such a fantastic times in my life as i did when i was friends with them. The most menial chores like going to the laundrette or down to the shop was fun. I look back on that time and all i can remember is laughing.. i know it wasn't always like that and we tend to remember the good times but honestly 90% of those times were fantastic. I've gone over and over in my head so many times where out friendship broke down. I can't pinpoint anything in particular that happened but over the space of a year we drifted apart. Getting real jobs and working different schedules didn't help but it was more than that. I was changing, i didn't think i was changing as a friend to them, i didn't think overall i acted any differently but when we did go out and i let loose the slut within - this caused friction.

I resented the fact that i was given the silent treatment after a night out if i brought a guy home. They didn't do that as much as me but it didn't meant they didn't do it at all. Did i treat them in the same way after a night that they may have brought a guy home - no. It didn't make them any worse of a friend just like i believe it didn't make me any worse of a friend either. Over time i was given the cold shoulder and frozen out. I worked different ours and more and more i didn't go out with them anymore.

Eventually things got so bad we stopped talking altogether. I knew things were truly over when my birthday came around and we didn't celebrate together as we always always had. I moved out and that was the end. I look back now and wonder if i would have changed anything. Would i not get off with those guys on all those nights out. To be honest, i would still do the same again. It was part of my sexual awakening. I needed to experiment, to get it out of my system. My only wish is that they would have accepted me as i was and not judge me for what i did on a night out once a week.

After all this time I'm still not over it. I still cry on nights like tonight for the years of great friendship I've lost. Don't get me wrong i have a wide circle of friends now but none, well none quite make it to the gold circle. As friends go they truly were my soul mates. I miss them.