Dread

I feel like I'm cracking up. I have this horrible anxiety since before Christmas, this sense of dread that something horrible is lying around the corner but I don't know what. I can't sleep, I'm shattered but yet lie awake tossing and turning unable to shake off this feeling.

From submissive to dominant

For the last 2 years I've been in a Female Led Relationship. Complete opposite to what I've talked about in here in the past. I haven't posted much, I haven't felt the need to - I was happy. I was the dominant in the relationship, I was the one in control and I loved it. He was amazing, he is amazing but tonight I broke it off for good. I know I'll never meet someone so compatible, so fantastic and yet I threw him away. I would rather be the dumpee over dumper any day. I have to keep telling myself it's for the best. I know withdrawals will set in soon, the knot in the stomach, the doubts, the emptiness. I'm so fucked up! Can a sub ever really change? Is it possible to have such strong submissive feelings and then be so confortable in the role of dominant. Lately my main fantasies have involved submitting to a woman. I told you I was fucked up and all over the place. Anyone else have felt these mixed up desires?

"Dominant Men"

I've come to the conclusion there are actually very few truly dominant men. Actually perhaps that's a little unfair, more accurately there are very few dominant men who are able for me. I start off with an open mind of any man who classes himself as dominant, i play the meek horny needy slut. Usually i am desperately horny at the time of meeting/chatting to them so as a means to an end ie. a powerful orgasm. They say all the right things at the beginning, they're cold, hard...

Over time they soften though, I get to know them, I figure out what makes them tick, I say what they want to hear knowing I have them wrapped around my finger. I start to see their weaknesses and they begin to disgust me. I lose any respect i had for them. I see them for what they really are and then slowly I back away and lose interest or worse hurt them.

I've always been told i have a sharp tongue and i don't suffer fools. When i detect weakness in these self proclaimed "dominant men" I go for the jugular. Not like a panther bouncing on his prey ripping it apart, it's more subtle than that, a snake wrapping it's body slowly around it's prey and squeezing the life out of it. They don't quite know what's happening until it's too late.

I'm not proud of myself, it doesn't give me pleasure but they repulse me so much i have to squash them like a disgusting spider. Do I hate men?

In my experience dominant men usually turn out to be married men who are desperate for any type of female attention. They think a slut/sub is easy pickings. Another type are the spoilt children. Usually an only child/youngest, close links with an elderly mother, knowing she won't be around forever seeks a replacement, a combination of devoted mother to the little emperor who'll wash, cook, clean, wait on him and a complete whore. I'm sure they're are other types but for now they are the most common I've come across.

Mr. X however proving the exception to the rule. Yes he's married but there's never that hint of desperation that the other married men who claim to be dominant exude. On the occasions he is softer with me I know it's not weakness, he can turn to steel in an instant.

As time goes on the more and more I'm convinced women are the dominant species we just like to play at being inferior for fun.

Brief visit

Can't believe how long it's been since I posted anything here. I think I just used this place to express some things I couldn't tell anyone. It's very useful for that. I wasn't sure what I was looking for. I was a bit lost and then I met someone. It's funny to read back on the previous post exclaiming I couldn't see myself with an Irish man that would quit me. How wrong I was. I've met someone who has become a great friend among everything else. This is truly new for me. None of my ex's have been a friend. Mr. X wasn't a friend even my ex I lived with for 3 yrs I wouldn't have clapped as a friend. Not like M. I've never met someone who 'gets' me like he does. Anyway enough gushing. I love him but I think we'll end up very good friends rather than a couple. I still have my needs and even though he's open to some I think I'd rather have him as a friend and find someone else to need other needs.

Class

Wow I can't believe it's been so long since I wrote something on here. I've been distracted by a new guy I've gotten to know but another non starter. I enjoyed getting to know him but it will never go anywhere.

He too is English (I don't think I can ever be an Irish guys slut, the Irish accent is too soft and Irish guys in general are too decent to really do the whole Master thing right) He's married but getting Divorced, no kids, he's a successful business man who's a Free Mason (not really sure what difference that makes but he makes a big deal about it so I act suitable impressed)

He's very open and I love that about him. He's splitting from his wife because she doesn't satisfy him in bed. It's not that she won't sleep with him, she wants to but in his words she's boring and he'd rather have a wank. I feel sorry for his wife because he hasn't even told her what the problem is, that he's into all this kinky stuff and she isn't. She doesn't even swallow so its fair to say his desires to piss in her mouth won't be happening. When he talks about her, he refers to her as 'it'. Again that sets off alarm bells.

I think he has the potential to be a great dominant to the right girl. He wants something full time. Once he's divorced from his wife he's looking for the right girl to move in with him. He has no objections to getting married again but no kids. I personally want kids one day but never with a dominant. I would never bring a child into that life or grow up within that relationship dynamics.

The biggest turn off for me regarding him is I think he'd fuck anything. He knows that nothing will happen between us but we remain in touch. Last week he met up with 2 different girls he met online and went dogging. Up until last week I innocently thought dogging was 2 people in a car fucking each other with the lights on and others could watch. I actually quite liked the idea of doing that but it turns out that his version of dogging and mine were different. Where he goes, its not just watching to strangers fuck and have a wank, the girl will wank spectators, give them blow jobs or get out of the car, bend over the passenger seat and offer herself to whoever wants to us her.

The fact he participates in these activities just leaves a bad taste in my mouth - he can't have any respect for himself. He's a man slut with no class. Mr.X had class - i miss him.

The thin line between reality and fantasy

Mr. X is gone for good. I've deleted his phone numbers and e mail addresses so i won't be tempted to get in touch and hopefully I will think less about him if I get rid of these things. As part of my detoxing programme for ridding Mr. X from my life I've started chatting to another guy over the last few weeks. He's the morphine to my heroin addiction. In the past I haven't been successful going cold turkey, I'm hoping this approach will work.

I am girl and he is Sir, he's my usual type, married, older than I (49), successful business man with a great English accent, he actually has a great deep rich voice. In so many ways he's great and gets me and understands what it is his girl needs but in others I honestly think he's in cloud cookoo land. Ideally what he wants is for me to move over to London so it will make it easier for his to use me without too many questions from his wife. I'm not oppose to the idea, I've no ties in Dublin but i wouldn't just give up my life to be some married mans play thing.

He expects me to be able to cum on average of 10 times a day. At a push i might be able to accomplish this for one or two days but not everyday. He calls me in the morning, evening, at work, out with friends and expects that i can cum for him over the phone, it doesn't matter where i am. Sometimes i admit i enjoy it and the risk but not ALL the time. The final straw came today. I'm on a long bus journey on a busy bus, he instructed me to fuck my arse with a coke bottle. A COKE bottle, on a busy PUBLIC bus! Not to mention that i didn't have any lube to get something of that size up there. I think the line between fantasy and reality is blurred in his case, or is it just me? Have girls done this in the past, is it possible.

Also he expects that I'll be able to squirt buckets when i cum, again is that possible in real life and not just in some porn film. It's never happened for me yet!

A short break

It's been a while since I've posted. Since last time I've celebrated a milestone birthday, had the best holiday of my life so far been invited to Germany for a weekend away with Mr. X, slept with an NYPD officer and it didn't disappoint. I didn't go to Germany with Mr. X, apart from the fact the dates clashed with my holiday i still wouldn't have gone. I still think about him a lot, some times more than others. I think it's because he has a lot of the qualities I look for in a man but haven't found in another yet. He's ambitious and driven, he's confident and laid back with a take me or leave me attitude, he's dominant but nurturing, he encouraged me to do better, to be better where other men i've been with have tried to push me down and were afraid or threatened by my success. One ex didn't want me to take a job i was offered because i would earn more than him and according to him, that was just not right. The fact Mr. X is a successful business owner and he was proud of my accomplishments. He's always encouraged me to be better in all areas of my life and i love that about him. Maybe the reason i hold him in such high regard comes down to that primitive level of seeking a mate who would be a good provider, a leader, protector. Sometimes I read articules that complain that men feel they no longer have a place in our modern world. Women no longer need men for financial support, to reproduce, to house or feed us but i for one am tired of the metrosexual males that tip toe around - bring back the John Waynes of this world, bring back the alpha male.

Prostitution

Before I even start I do want to point out I know the horrible truth behind prostitution, the smuggled girls, the real sex slaves and I'm appalled at some of the stories in the papers that appeared only this week.







However lately I've been having quite a few fantasies about being paid for sex. I don't know if it's the detached sex, that I wouldn't actually have to engage with this person beyond the physical act or if it's that my body would be used by this man for his pleasure and then discarded once I'd served my purpose? Is it the validation that this guy was actually willing to pay to have sex with me?

In truth I think it is all of the above. Once you accept money for sex, that's it, your fate is sealed. Your a whore. Nothing will ever change that, not in a weeks time or 70 yrs time, you will always be a whore. I'm torn in two as a person, I've mentioned so many times before, there's the "good" me and the "bad" me. I haven't allowed myself to explore half the stuff I desire, e.g Mr. X. He was so perfect for me in so many ways.

I read a book a few months ago called "sugarbabe" about a girl in Sydney, Australia who advertised for a sugar daddy. It was supposedly a true story but basically she would be this married man's paid mistress. He paid her to be available to him whenever and where ever he needed or wanted her. He would be given a key to her apartment so he could use it as his own when he needed to get away from things and she tended to all his needs...for a fee. I mentioned this to Mr X once. He just laughed.

In theory i like the idea and not because I'm some lazy sponger who wants to be supported. I have a good job which i love and i need to work hard and feel like I've done a proper days work to actually sleep at night and validate my existence. Its not the money that appeals (but of course it has its benefits), its that this person thinks I'm worth paying for.

The reality of the situation is different of course, as this girl found out, there's the feeling of rejection when they leave after a couple months. They don't owe you an explanation, your a service they paid for and can give up just as quick.

Taking all that in however I still would like to find out of someone would be willing to pay to sleep with me.

Weak Men

I've no time for weak men. They irritate, repulse and annoy me beyond belief. Men who whinge and moan when something doesn't go their way. Men who assume the world owes them a living. Oh poor me.... everyone is against me....it's everyone else's fault.....WELL maybe, just maybe its YOU! Maybe your mother was wrong and your not the reincarnation of Christ himself and you should get up off your arse and make something of your life instead of constantly moaning about how crap your life is and expecting everything to be handed to you.

What kind of "man" is quite happy and sees it as acceptable for everything in life to be handed to him! Who expects the people around him to pander to his every need and dare they protest at the injustice of it - then sulks! A man should have ambition and drive, a man should lead by example and therefore they command respect because he has damned well earned it. A man doesn't demand respect and then turn into a whinging bitch when he doesn't get it.

How can you expect me to truly submit to you, to look up to you and be completely devoted to you as a submissive needs to be when it's I who carry you. I have to be the strong one constantly, in the past I've supported you financially, emotionally, I have to carry your insecurities and silently deal with my own. Your not for me, that's why I broke up with you all those years ago. Why would I want to start it all up again? Your far too weak, needy and dependent. You drag me down.

This is a man who in the past has flogged me and drawn blood, who's raped my arse so savagely, pounded me so severely I couldn't sit for a full day and walked with difficulty for days after. I didn't complain or moan because there would have been no point.

Your have a fucking head cold....

Suck it up! ! ! !

Meeting G. Part 1

Just over a month ago i was out with friends and met a guy who was over from England for the weekend in Dublin. It was during a period of time when i was feeling so extremely horny and nothing seemed to quench my aching cunt. I liked him immediately. He wasn't the best looking in his group but looks are fleeting to me. I've learned for part experience just how dull 'good looking' guys really are. He was so cock sure of himself, he didn't make any special effort to attract female attention. The same can't be said for his friends. Sitting chatting to his friend i could feel his eyes bore into me as an extremly attractive blond twittered in his ear. I glanced over making eye contact, looking away quickly - embarrassed. Again i steal a look, still those cold grey eyes pierce into me. I started to feel a little uncomfortable, shifting in my seat but the room has gone quiet. I can no longer focus on the friend. I get braver and hold his gaze for a few seconds. I smile - Nothing! Not even a flinch. I give in and get up to go to the toilet. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I went to the bar, as i try to get the attention of the girl behind the bar a hand grabs the flesh of my arse and gropes me unashamedly. Turning around 'what the fuc...' grey eyes staring back at me striking me dumb. I push his hand - that was still on my arse - away. He smiled and paid for my drink. I don't know where the blond disappeared to. He lead me to a secluded corner and we chatted. He had a northern English accent with a low deep voice. God it was so fucking sexy. Turned out he was extremely articulate, witty, intelligent and we had quiet a lot in common. Bonus points for the fact he could pronounce my name which is one of those problematic Irish names which English people seem to find impossible to pronounce. Before i knew it, we were being kicked out as it was long after closing time. His friends had gone to a club next door as had mine. As we walked out the door we both knew we wouldn't be joining them in the club. We walked out of the bar and hailed a taxi back to mine. I figured i wouldn't be seeing his again as he was flying back to England the next day - i could be as un-inhibitated as i needed to get it out of my system......

CUNTache

I've been awoken this morning by my aching cunt, my panties sopping wet and stuck to me. I can smell the heavy musty scent of arousal. This ache pulsates through the lower half of my abdomen. I'm not sure how long I can pacify it using sex toys, fingers, strangers cocks. Its becoming more demanding, its screaming to be used, it longs to be stretched open, penetrated so deep and roughly it actually believes its been torn apart. It is not the mere act of sex it needs, it needs to be stimulated like only a true Master can accomplish, with skill and confidence. It needs to be owned.

We all revert to type!

It snowed here today. This is a big deal in Ireland, it never snows here, it rains like 95% of the time but snow is rare - it was beautiful.

Since Christmas I have tried to keep away from BDSM blogs, web sites, anything that reminds me of it, of him and starts me longing, craving him. I figure if I keep busy and try really hard to forget about him, I will overcome it.

I heard from him about 3 weeks ago now. We hadn't had any contact in over 2 months and out of the blue he's back. Charming and sadistic as ever, sweeping into my life as I try so hard to forget. He'd broken his ankle, it made me want to care for him more. I'm such a sucker at heart (no pun intended) - but that particular day I wasn't my usual weak horny slut he was used to. I was distant but polite. He said he had some things to sort out, needed some distance. That was it, and I was suppose to fall back in line and continue where we left off. I told him there was no point, I no longer needed him or desired him - Who was I kidding?? I do absolutely still find him as sexy as ever.

Today I had a moment of weakness, which unless reined in and put a stop to immediately will lead to my demise. I had a look at a couple of my favourite blogs and within the space of 20mins all the good work of the last 6 wks have gone out the window and I'm back to square one. I want him back in my life.

I've grown up in a generation where women are taught from a young age that we can have whatever we want. If you want a sports car, high powered job, penthouse apartment and place in the country... we can have it all... If the desire is there, if the longing is strong enough, if your motivated and focused enough to work as hard as it takes - its yours for the taking....

I have my dream job, I'm financially comfortable and independent. I can travel to Australia or South America but I'll never, no matter how hard I work, no matter how much I crave him - I'll never have him.

Maybe I'm spoilt, Maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time getting over and accepting that this is one thing I can't have!

Happy New Year

Yes i know we're almost into Febuary now but its my first post of '09. I haven't posted anything as i've nothing really to say. So far '09 is good, i now only have one job which i am absolutely loving and i have 2 days off a week. I'm aware this is normal stuff for most people but for the last year 2 days off a week is a luxury i didn't have working 2 jobs. I forgot how good it is too just lie in bed and not have to worry about getting up to go to work, to do laundry, shopping, catch the bank before i go to work and then to basically sleep walk home at 11.30pm.

I enjoyed Christmas and New Year. Again a first for me as I was off work for both, i normally would have had to work one or other. Its funny when I go back to my family home how you revert back into old familiar roles, even though i'm a grown woman nearing 30. Arguing with my brother over the tv remote, shouting on my mother to settle the dispute, the same old feeling when my dad goes on a binge at Christmas and my parents argue when he staggers. Myself and my brother in another room pretending its not happening. My mother getting upset and it being my job to comfort her. My brother walking out of the house and my father collaping into bed or falling asleep on the couch. Afraid an neighbour or relative will call around, embarrassed at this drunken fool snoring but having to pretend everythings alright while they're there. My mother going to the bathroom to cover up red eyes from crying, turning the tv up a little to loud to drown out snoring from the other room as i make small talk about the weather. All of this is Christmas in our house but its just a small part, its still one of my favourite times of the year. There's something magical about it - i'm a child behind it all.

Promiscuous Girls

Sluts, tarts, whores, slags, slappers... whatever you may call them/me. People are so judgemental. I can only speak from my own experience but it makes me so angry at times how quickly people are to judge "loose women". I fully admit when I was younger I was a loose woman. I went out 2-3 nights a week and I brought at least 1 guy a week home. It gave me a thrill to flirt with a new guy, to know he liked me enough to want to come home with me, to sleep with me. I wouldn't have full penetrative sex with 90% of them once we did come back to my place but we did everything but.

This behaviour was so destructive, to me, to my friends who I shared an apartment with. They didn't know who or what I was going to bring into the place next. It damaged our friendship, it damaged me but it was a cycle I just couldn't break. I lost everything that was dear to me. I was lucky nothing serious ever happened to me with some of these guys. I put myself in some dodgy situations. I remember one night just meeting a guy as i queued for my coat after the nightclub was finished and going home with him, back to his place. No one knew where I went, I was lucky he was a sweet good guy. I didn't even know his name.

I'm not proud of my past behaviour but in the last year or so I have began to understand why I acted like this and have forgiven myself. I had a need, it was so deep that I had no control over it. It wasn't a need for sex but the need for male attention. To be accepted, wanted .. I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I mistook their lust for intimacy. Momentarily, for a few hours at least they gave me what I craved, that was until the next day when I felt so much worse about my self, the self loathing, the shame.... until the next time. The continual cycle.

If your reading this and your male with a young daughter I can't stress to you enough just how important you are in your daughters life. Every little girl needs her dad or a strong male role model in her life to love her and for her to know no matter what, you are there unconditionally for her. A girl growing up without her dad (and I'm not just talking about dad who've walked out, my dad lived with us but the only time he paid me any attention was when he'd come home drunk and wanted something to eat or to take off his shoes cause he was too drunk to bend down and undo the laces himself)will look for that validation from the first punk ass boy to give her any attention.

You don't want her to turn out like me....

Puppy Adventures

This is a fictional story i found and liked....




Puppy's Further Adventures
by MasterKensbeany©

It was a dreadfully long, lonely day for the puppy waiting for her Master's return. Earlier she had gone thru her usual morning rituals, waking Master with her warm hungry mouth, bathing him with her hands and tongue, fixing his breakfast and sitting patiently on the floor next to him while he ate, cleaning up...all routine but each in their own way completely satisfying for her. With even the smallest service she did for her Master, she made his life easier, brought him comfort and pleasure and she lived to do just those things.

Sometimes, when he left her home alone for the day, he left her free to take care of her chores around the house. Sometimes, he left her bound to the bed or over the furniture, helpless and exposed, ready to be played with or taken at his leisure when he returned. Sometimes, like this morning, he left her locked securely inside her cage with a blanket for comfort, her bowls in the corner with water and kibble and a couple of her favorite chew toys. Before he'd closed her inside, he'd stuffed the dildo into her pussy and the plug with held her tail into her ass.

Shortly after purchasing her cage, he'd had a harness special made for her, it held the dildo and plug firmly in place, allowing her tail to fall properly down her thighs and even had an opening for her to pee without having to remove it all. The only thing she couldn't do was touch herself, her clitty was completely covered and there was no room whatsoever for her to ride on the dildo. It was maddening to feel the constant urgent throbbing of her pussy and ass around the plugs, feeling them rub together with each small move she made and not be able to bring herself to climax. Around her nipples he'd placed small rings which held them firmly engorged and kept them sore. Over them she wore a special bra which, again, allowed no access to probing fingers. She waited, trying to get comfortable in her cramped cage, trying to ignore her arousal and listening intently for the sounds that would signal her Master's return.

As the hours wore on, her torment increased. She could feel the leather of her harness becoming saturated with her juices and then her thighs become slick with them. Her nipples ached to be released from the rings, until they became a constant nagging pain. She couldn't lie still, she dreaded moving and on top of everything else, her water bowl was empty and she had to pee. Ignoring her bladder became her one overriding concern now, she couldn't pee in her cage, Master would be so angry at her if she did that. She paced back and forth on hands and knees, begging out loud for her Master to return though she knew she was forbidden to speak when Master had her in puppy mode. She didn't care, all she could think of was the needs of her own body. Just when she thought she could hold out no longer and was thinking of the best place to go, she heard the sound of his key in the door and knew he was home. Her pleading whines met him as soon as he got inside and closed the door.

"Uh oh" she heard him exclaim as he walked towards the cage "sounds like something's wrong with my puppy." He stood looking down at her as her whimpering increased in both volume and urgency. Looking around her cage, he spied the empty water bowl and laughed to himself. "What's the matter puppygirl" he asked playfully "does my puppy have to go potty?" She tried desperately to relay her need by wagging her tail and staring intently at the locked cage door. She heard him laughing happily, enjoying her discomfort and her antics. "Hmmmmmmm, I guess she does" he chuckled to himself "OK puppy, I'll let you out." He unlocked the door and as he was pulling it open, he grabbed her leash and attached it just as she was emerging. She was confused, he never had leashed her to go to the bathroom before but she turned and began to crawl in a b-line for the bathroom door. He pulled her up sharp when she hit the end of the leash.

"Not that way puppy" he told her "come with me now." Even more confused and bewildered she followed as he led her to the back door and opened it, stepping out into the back yard. It hit her then and she balked, pulling back on the leash and trying to go back in the direction of the bathroom. "PUPPY HEEL!!!!!!!" Her Master had worked with her diligently for several weeks training her to respond immediately to both word commands and hand gestures until she had no will to disobey, she knew this was another test of that training. His words and tone brought her up short, she hated it but she knew she had no choice and turning, followed him into the yard. He walked her over to some bushes and looked down at her "you can go now puppy" was all that he said. This was terrible!! He couldn't expect her to do this, he just couldn't. She looked up at him, thinking to beg him not to make her do this thing but, when she saw him cock that eyebrow at her, she knew she must do it or face disappointing him. Disappointing her Master was never an option for her. Lowering her head, she could feel the heat of her blush burning her face. She leaned back on her haunches and after a couple of moments, emptied herself on the lawn.





"Good puppy" he praised as he patted her head, "heel puppy." He led her back into the house and she dragged along behind him, her tears doing nothing to cool her still hot cheeks. Once in the living room again, he sat in his big comfy chair and she sat at his feet. "Was that so hard for you my puppygirl?" he asked. She leaned her head against his knee, her tears soaking the fabric of his pants. He reached down and lifted her chin, smiling down at her. "I'm very proud of you" he told her gently "I know you almost lost it a time or two but, you got yourself back under control and that pleases me greatly." His words were a balm to her heart and she found herself smiling back thru her tears.

Suddenly, his smile disappeared and an evil glint came into his eyes. "However" he started menacingly "you weren't so controlled all day, were you puppy?" Her mind began racing, trying to think of what she could have done to make him angry but nothing came to her. "Before I came in" he continued "I could've sworn I heard someone talking...was that you puppy?" Her heart stopped and her eyes dropped to the floor. "I heard someone begging for their Master to hurry home" his voice was growing cold and dangerous "your Master is not pleased about this puppy, not pleased at all." "How could she have been so stupid and careless"? she thought as she prostrated herself at his feet, licking his shoes and whining pathetically for forgiveness. "Stand up puppy" was his answer, she knew there would be no forgiveness before her punishment. She stood on shaky legs, still staring at the floor in front of her. He stood as well and pulled her around behind his chair, pushing her over it so that her head was in the seat and her seat was high in the air, her toes barely touching the ground. Lifting her tail and throwing it over her back, he exposed her bottom. The harness fit between her cheeks, holding them apart slightly and leaving them nicely vulnerable. She felt his hands running slowly over her ass and down her thighs, coming back up to check the wetness of the leather covering her pussy.

He walked over to the stand where he kept an assortment of canes. Some of them were beautifully carved of hardwoods and others were of simple rattan. The first were mostly for parties and gatherings, the latter were "disposable" ones, the kind he didn't mind breaking. It was one of the later that he selected now, flashing it thru the air, testing is rigidity. He stood to the side of her and tapped her bottom with a couple of warning blows. They stung slightly but she knew she was in for much worse. "You know my rules puppy?" he questioned her "I've made them clear enough for you?" She shook her head yes, he had and she knew them. "You understand why I have to punish you? Again, a sad shake of her head. "Good then, 20 strokes for talking in puppy mode" he told her " and no... you don't need to count off, puppies can't count." She winced at the number, 20 was a lot. Burying her face into the upholstery and digging her fingers into the arms of the chair, she steeled herself as best she could.



The first blow was still a shock when it came, striking her hard over the backs of her thighs and she let out a yelp of pain. Then another came just above the first and another just above that. After the first 10 he had a nice pattern from the middle of the thighs to the top of her ass. After each, he'd given her a few seconds for the pain to subside before administering the next. For the last 10 he wasn't so kind, bringing the cane down with long powerful strokes again and again over already tender flesh, sending her forward and off balance. Her yelps turned into cries and then into full-throated screams as her tears poured again from already swollen stinging eyes. The final stoke did indeed break the cane, sending shards flying thru the air and nearly toppling her over the chair. He pulled her back into place and put a hand in the small of her back to steady her. He ran his hands over the bright red welts, admiring the lovely design they made. "Lovely my puppy" he said happily, "but not enough I think. No it needs something more."

She barely heard his words over her own weeping, she only knew he wasn't letting her up yet. He left her for a moment and when he returned, she felt the cool round head of his favorite paddle as he ran it over her hot welts. Her anguished cry was met with a chuckle as his hand moved again to her back, holding her in place. He started in one spot, slowly and softly, gradually working up both speed and force until he had her kicking and screaming, then he would move to another spot and start the process again. She knew he was watching carefully as the bruises began to appear and spread across her bottom. He considered himself an artist with her as his canvas and he took great pride in the beauty of the marks he left upon her. He would occasionally rub over the spot he'd just finished, waiting to see how it would work or he would stand back and take in the whole picture, assessing where he needed more color.

Eventually, the heat of her bottom began to merge with the heat of her pussy, the pain becoming exquisite pleasure. Her screaming stopped completely and as her mournful sobs turned into deep, guttural moans her bottom began to rise to meet each stroke of the paddle. Now, it was when he stopped, when he withheld the pain that her cries rang out, reaching up on tiptoes, her ass searching for the instrument of her torture. When the paddle hit again, she shook and groaned in ecstasy. The heat rising from her ass and pussy warmed the very air around them and the scent of her juices filled the room.

"Down slut!" was all he had to say, immediately she was sliding down onto the floor, her ass raised into the air, her legs spread wide. He fumbled with the catch for the dildo and the cover that held it in and then removed them, leaving a wide opening to her pussy. She heard him unzipping and felt him plunge his cock deep into her dripping cunt. He was using his cock as a battering ram, driving in again and again. She could feel the tender flesh of her pussy being bruised and battered by his savage assault. He reached up her back and grabbed two handfuls of her long red hair, using them as his reins, riding her wildly. He pumped deep into her steaming pussy and she could feel the pressure of the plug in her ass rubbing against his cock and the simmering heat of her glowing bottom.

She loved when he took her hard like this; she loved his strength and the passion she knew drove him to use her so forcefully. She was his fucktoy and she reveled in it. She felt his body tense and heard a moan that roared up from his balls as he emptied them into her. He held her there, pulled back onto his cock by the hair for long moments as he shot stream after stream of his seed deep inside of her. When he finally released her, she fell forward onto the carpet, completely spent and drained. After only a second, she came to her senses and realized he was waiting. She dragged herself up and turned towards him, her mouth automatically reaching for his cock, engulfing it. The flavor of their mingled juices with the last few drops of his nectar were the sweetest things she knew of and she lovingly licked and sucked him clean.

He finally pulled her off and got back up into his chair, allowing her to sit between his legs with her head on his lap. She pulled his cock back into her mouth and softly suckled as he lit his pipe and relaxed. Looking up into his face, she saw the smile that she loved more than anything in the world and knew that her Master was pleased with her again. As he smoked in silence, she drifted off to sleep with her Master's cock still in her mouth, thoroughly contented and at peace.

The End

Mr X and I are over for good. The End.

Blast from the Past

Last Sunday completely out of the blue an old "friend" got in contact. I haven't heard from Jay in over a year and a half, actually nearly 2 yrs now and I never thought I would ever hear from him again. I was very pleased i did. The last time I was physically with him was during when he was over here for the Ryder Cup. He hasn't changed a bit. I would never consider a serious relationship with him, he's far too much of a cruel, cold sexual deviant for me but for a short period of time he's great. He has such a wicked mind and absolutely pushes me to my limit, that's my fear, that perhaps he may take it too far. I'm always quite cautious around him.


In so many ways he's similar to Mr X, he's an older version. Both upper class English (i melt in the presence of a posh English accent), both ambitious, successful business men, Jay is based in Athens, both married, both with 2 children, both 1 girl, 1 boy - the girl being 4 yrs older than the boy. Jay's 45, Mr X is 39.



I haven't heard from Mr X in about a week and a half. I haven't tried to contact him but neither has he tried to contact me. Nothing happened he's just drifted off again. These are the cold periods where he just ceases contact for no reason, no explanation and like a fool i find myself wondering if he's ok, if somethings maybe happened to him, maybe an accident or something and he comes back and tells me he's been on holidays or something. I know he's in no ways accountable to me but it would be nice if he even sent a text to say "listen, I'm going to be away for the next 2 weeks on holidays"..... Not a big deal!

I have a keen interest in astrology. Not the star signs in the papers but i do believe certain people display traits of their star sign. I was reading a book about the traits of the different different star signs. Mr X is Pisces, supposedly they're pathological liars, incapable of making a decision, preferring to head to the nearest bar to drown their sorrows. Live in a fantasy world most of the time and....

" The male fish is the emotional black hole of the Universe. Toss your heart, soul and car keys and all will disappear forever. This guy learned at an appalling young age how to weasel his way out of work and charm his way into bed. He's definitely sensual, sexy, cute, in a debauched sort of way. Don't let the facade fool you. At home he may be a quiet little fish swimming around and around the beer bottle, but romantically he is the great white shark of the zodiac. A Scorpio man will hurt because he has a morbid fear of rejection. Your Pisces guy will do it just to keep his teeth sharpened. He is a natural born liar."

Born on a rotten day - Hazel Dixon-Cooper
Sounds pretty accurate to me!!

Porn i like...

This particular clip i love. I love that it's in black and white, I think the girl in it is beautiful, its real and gritty.

He said he loves me...

Mr X's family were away for a few days. He made the most of being on his own, went out with friends, drank, got high on coke and reverted back to his college days. I knew he drank, he drinks quite a bit from what i gather. I'm just putting two and two together here. I was surprised he did drugs. He rang me on Friday night, it was after midnight and i was asleep. I answer the phone to this blaring down the phone:



He was drunk and high, i was treated to this and other 90's hits such as Robert Miles Children.. I haven't heard these songs in nearly 10 yrs but they brought back great memories for me and also for him. He was reminiscing on when he was in university, on how life was simpler back then. I loved listening to him, his stories and learning more about him. We talked about life then and life now. there was a little sadness in his voice i think.

He loves being a father, i know he loves his kids. He tells me all the time, he doesn't talk about his wife. This may be not to hurt my feelings, or that its none of my business. I'd like to know how he feels about his wife, does he love her? Is she prettier than me? Does he feel guilt trying to hook up with me? We talked for over 4 hours on Friday night. We talked about everything and nothing, he opened up to me like he has never done before. In the year and a half I've known him I've only gotten drips of information about his life. I know this is down to the drink and drugs but its still nice. He knows all about mine, my past, my present and hopes for the future.

It worried me the amount of coke he did when we chatted. For one hour I counted that he snorted 7 lines. I have no idea exactly how much coke that would be but i think its too much. He told me he hasn't done coke in over 6 years and this week was a once off thing. After about 3 hours our conversation turned a little sexier, i was incredibly turned on, he has this effect on me and i came twice. It was during this last hour he told me he loved me. He said it at least 3 times. In the year and a half I've know him he has never said something like that before. He has complimented me, told me that he finds me sexy, intelligent, that he cares for me. It was bittersweet, i know he was high and it was the drugs talking.

In saying that something has changed with us since that night, it feels like we've gotten a lot closer. I didn't think i'd hear from him again over the weekend and was pleasantly surprised Saturday morning he rang me again just to chat, we text all day, he rang me in the afternoon when i got home from work and again that night (this is not normal behaviour for him, even when his family are away). His family flew back on Sunday and that was the end of our late night chats. I could talk to him for hours. He's funny, intelligent, witty, we get each other. There's chemistry there. I should be on a high but i know deep down this is superficial. Its not real. Reality is that he has a family and that the best i can hope for is to spend one night with this man who i really think i love. I've never been in love so I'm not an expert and can't say but my symptoms are:

- i think about him on average every 3 secs
- i can't eat (good thing)
- i want to be close to him
- i want to talk to him as much as i can
- to smell him
- to taste him.

I want all of that but I'm still not giving in. He's putting so much pressure on me to meet now. I absolutely want to but i can't. I can't because i couldn't bare it if i were a disappointment to him. I'd rather he'd long for some fantasy version of me than discover the real me. Even if he walks away now, having never met me he'll always have fond memories as appose to a quashed dream.


I'm not stringing him along, i do intend to meet him when i feel I'm physically perfect enough to do so. I want my body to be in top shape, my hair, nails, tan all perfect. When he sees me for the first time i want to be even better than the fantasy he has. I want him to drool, i want him to want me so bad he can barely contain himself at the bar where we meet for a drink. I want him to lust after me... i want him to fall in love with me....

I have to stop thinking like that, its selfish and naive.

its all about Him ! ! !

''one man's mood can break another man's soul'' . . . . . . . He makes me so angry sometimes, He's so inconsiderate, so selfish, so narcissistic, so egotistical, so thoughtless . . . . He infuriates me, i want to throw a tantrum, drop down on the ground, flailing my arms and legs, the works, stomping, screaming, crying for attention. It would do no good, it would make no difference. He drives me mad! I hate Him . . . . . . . I love Him x