He was drunk and high, i was treated to this and other 90's hits such as Robert Miles Children.. I haven't heard these songs in nearly 10 yrs but they brought back great memories for me and also for him. He was reminiscing on when he was in university, on how life was simpler back then. I loved listening to him, his stories and learning more about him. We talked about life then and life now. there was a little sadness in his voice i think.
He loves being a father, i know he loves his kids. He tells me all the time, he doesn't talk about his wife. This may be not to hurt my feelings, or that its none of my business. I'd like to know how he feels about his wife, does he love her? Is she prettier than me? Does he feel guilt trying to hook up with me? We talked for over 4 hours on Friday night. We talked about everything and nothing, he opened up to me like he has never done before. In the year and a half I've known him I've only gotten drips of information about his life. I know this is down to the drink and drugs but its still nice. He knows all about mine, my past, my present and hopes for the future.
It worried me the amount of coke he did when we chatted. For one hour I counted that he snorted 7 lines. I have no idea exactly how much coke that would be but i think its too much. He told me he hasn't done coke in over 6 years and this week was a once off thing. After about 3 hours our conversation turned a little sexier, i was incredibly turned on, he has this effect on me and i came twice. It was during this last hour he told me he loved me. He said it at least 3 times. In the year and a half I've know him he has never said something like that before. He has complimented me, told me that he finds me sexy, intelligent, that he cares for me. It was bittersweet, i know he was high and it was the drugs talking.
In saying that something has changed with us since that night, it feels like we've gotten a lot closer. I didn't think i'd hear from him again over the weekend and was pleasantly surprised Saturday morning he rang me again just to chat, we text all day, he rang me in the afternoon when i got home from work and again that night (this is not normal behaviour for him, even when his family are away). His family flew back on Sunday and that was the end of our late night chats. I could talk to him for hours. He's funny, intelligent, witty, we get each other. There's chemistry there. I should be on a high but i know deep down this is superficial. Its not real. Reality is that he has a family and that the best i can hope for is to spend one night with this man who i really think i love. I've never been in love so I'm not an expert and can't say but my symptoms are:
- i think about him on average every 3 secs
- i can't eat (good thing)
- i want to be close to him
- i want to talk to him as much as i can
- to smell him
- to taste him.
I want all of that but I'm still not giving in. He's putting so much pressure on me to meet now. I absolutely want to but i can't. I can't because i couldn't bare it if i were a disappointment to him. I'd rather he'd long for some fantasy version of me than discover the real me. Even if he walks away now, having never met me he'll always have fond memories as appose to a quashed dream.
I'm not stringing him along, i do intend to meet him when i feel I'm physically perfect enough to do so. I want my body to be in top shape, my hair, nails, tan all perfect. When he sees me for the first time i want to be even better than the fantasy he has. I want him to drool, i want him to want me so bad he can barely contain himself at the bar where we meet for a drink. I want him to lust after me... i want him to fall in love with me.... I have to stop thinking like that, its selfish and naive.
2 comments:
"I have to stop thinking like that, its selfish and naive."
You can't. Not at present. He has a hold on you can you can't do with or without.
I have to say I was really dissapointed at hearing he had returned. But don't take offense at that; it's your life, and yours to live as you want. I think in time you will get over him and mature, move on to someone more worthwhile. I think this because I have being in a similar situation, and reading Belle de Jour's relationship with The Boy reminded me of you and myself.
For the time being, it will go on and on untill you tire of him, and gain enough self-respect to move on in your life. It's an experience you will go through for as long as it last, but it will end, and you will look back upon it with all sorts of feelings, including that of relief that you have changed, and no longer need that kind of relationship. Women seem to find it harder than men, though for myself my lasted three or four years. But I don't regret it, and wish her well.
Hope the job situation is still okay for you. Things are getting tight when both Brand and Ross are suspended! They were well off the mark with those comments.
I'm fairly busy, and embarking on a new project. Plus I'm getting a lot of my work publicised, and am more engaged in life. No relationship, not even one-night stands, but it don't bother me. I feel ready for a real one these days though. And my health continues to improve. Once weighing nearly nineteen stone I am now down to fifteen, which I can carry very well given my height. Much more bright-eyed and sociable. Much better than being totally out of shape, constantly in bed and sucidel. 2008 has being great to me, and I have a good feeling about 2009. After all the horror I have gone though these past several years, it is good to be happy.
XXX, Cormac.
Hey Cormac
The situation with Mr X is complicated. I have tried to forget about him and lose touch but it doesn't work. I know myself its self distructive, i'm causing myself more pain wanting to be with him. He's completely unavailable and thats the appeal. Its like a challenge, if i can get him to care for me it gives me a huge buzz, i can't explain it. I have been out with unavailable guys, they're nice and i have fun but there's no edge. I wish i could be happy with a guy who wants to be with me but i'm attracted to this guy who in Madonnas words in "emotionally retarded".....ok thats a bit harsh but he definitly compliment unless he really means it and feels it. Thats what i love about him though, when he does say something nice i know its not bullshit. My ex used to tell me he loved me all the time, it irritated the crap out of me because i had to say it back even though the words practically choked me. I didn't loved him. It lost all meaning for me, i felt nothinbg when he said that.
This phase will pass, i am alone and i will be as long as i want him. I hope i do meet someone who outshines him and who is available. I wish he was single.
I hadn't heard about Russell and Jonathan until i read your comment. I'm shocked. Russell's quit now. I think it was blown out of proportion. Regular listeners to Russell knows what he's like, he didn't mean it for god sake, his mouth runs away with him sometimes. The grandaughter's hardly a saint, she's in a band called The Satanic Sluts.... Bring back Russell!!!!
As for your own personal developement, well done. I'm delighted to hear that 2008 has been such a good year for you and your really getting back on track. 4 stone is an amazing achievemnt and you should be very proud of yourself.
Take care and keep in touch
XxX
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