There's a song which is sang by David Grey called say hello, wave goodbye. This song always reminds me of my relationship with my ex. We lived together for 3 yrs but it never felt right. I was 23 and he was 10 yrs older when we first got together. He offered me security, protection which is something i needed it the time. I believe he loved me at the beginning, he said it first. After a month i felt obliged to say it back. I never said it on my own, it was always in response. The words would almost choke me, i could feel the bile in the back of my throat. I hated myself for lying to him, for using him, for making his life hard, a misery almost. I didn't want to be with him but i couldn't build up the strenght to leave either. I took the cowards way out and thought if i made like hard for him he would turn around and leave me. It took 3 yrs and a 4 marriage proposals before he did eventually leave. He got offered a job in another part of the country and i wouldn't move. So he went his way and i stayed where i was. There were no tears, no argument as to who got what, it was all very amiable like 2 flatmates going their different ways.
There's a line in that song - .'..as for me, well i'll find someone who's not going cheap in the sales.....' that line always pulls at my heart. Thats how i see myself, something going cheap on the sales, something to be used and discarded but never feeling good enough to be someone special. I think that's why affairs with married men appeals. With a married man, there's no expectations, no disappointments. I know from the word go they are liars, cheats, users.. I know where i stand. I feel i'll never be good enough to be someone's wife. I know i'm in this situation because of my own doing, my own beliefs. Thats life i guess and yes i know life is what one makes of it ..
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
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2 comments:
Darling,
Why exactly do you have such low self-esteem? If its too personal then don't say, but it strikes me that you have major issues with men. For whatever reason, you can't seem to relax within yourself and just take life joyfully, one day at a time.
Is it because of your sexual desires - which are quite normal - thinking they are abnormal and at some level disgust you? Have you ever felt attracted to someone who is unmarried and your own age-group? If so, have you ever followed through? And if not, why not?
You seem to be very alone in life, in so many ways. I have the feeling that this is at least part of the reason you write this blog, as a confessional and a method of expressive relief.
Because I don't know what causes lie at the root of all this, I don't know that I should give any advice. BUT I can tell you that there are MILLIONS of women who have desires they feel are perverse, when instead they are simply their way of consensually expressing their wonderful sexuality.
Therefore, the one bit of advice I feel I can give you is to search out and make contact with more women bloggers. Communicate, maybe even meet and if nothing else have a girly chat. I feel you need freinds you can truely confide in, and maybe need to take a breck from lads for a while.
Hope this is of help, Cormac.
Cormac
To be honest I've put off replying to your comment for a few days now.I wasn't quite sure what to say. Ok well firstly i guess its your question on the low self esteem - i know why that is and don't really want to go into it, it would take days if i started but lets just say 20 odd year of being told your not good enough takes its toll.
Yes i agree i do have issues with men and i don't really trust them and i'm not sure why that is, its not like my dad was some jack the lad who went off with other women, complete opposite actually and my parents are still together and i haven't had a crushing experience with an ex where he has cheated on me because again i haven't - but i still expect any guy i've been with to cheat, given the chance.
I have gone out with guys my own age. My ex was the first guy that i went out with that was so much older before that the guys i've seen were within a 3 year age range to myself. None lasted much longer than 3-6 months.
I use this blog to vent when i'm feeling down or need clarity. I know practically every entry is full of misery and moaning but that's the purpose. To the outside world i feel i am wearing a mask, a mask that everything is great, that i'm doing great and most of the time i am and i'm happy with the way my life is going, although in certain aspects i've like it to move towards the goal a bit faster but there you go thats life.. sometimes once i get home and have time on my own i can stop pretending. Honestly it can be exhausting trying to keep upbeat. And if i am feeling down about something or something is on my mind then i use this to say it.
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