I started this blog as a way of sorting out my feelings for Mr X. It was, it is a complicated situation and I needed some clarity - writing things down sometimes helps put things into perspective. I have gone through phases with Mr X and thought i was getting on without him, not really missing him, generally doing well. Slowly over the last couple of weeks I've been slowly drawn back in. Without me even knowing/realising I'm back to square one. Why can i not keep away from him? It makes me miserable to be close to him again. Its hard to describe. There's a part of me that wants to be a part of his life, a proper part. I know this will never, never happen. All i can ever hope for is a night in a sleazy hotel with him, that's the best it will get. He sent me a picture of himself at a garden party being held by the Queen. He looked so good in his tux. I'll never be taken to such an event by him, i will always be kept in the background - his dirty secret, his whore.
Why do i torturing myself like this? I should not stay in contact because things are never going to change and I'll never find someone of my own as long as I'm with him. I want to meet him though, i do but i know i won't. I never did sleep with my crush. I don't regret not sleeping with him but i think i will regret not at least meeting Mr X and then deal with the pain of rejection after if that will be the case. If he uses me and that's it - can i deal with it? Surely it would be better than the way things are now, at least then its over for good.
I keep telling myself its only hormones. I think it is too because I've been super horny for the last few days. I've cum on an average of 3 times a day. My poor rabbit vibe died yesterday. I've known it was on its last legs and was prepared, there's another on its way and should arrive any day now. When I'm overly sexed i do tend to get a bit emotional. It will pass and hopefully in the next couple of days i will be over this craving to want more from him than he can or is willing to give.
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3 comments:
hope you're doing ok aws...I know what it's like to be drawn in again and again by a strong dominant man. My biggest regret is never meeting my Master, and now it's over. Maybe someday you will get the courage to meet Mr. X..at least to say you did, but if you think it's not healthy to hold on to that relationship, then it's best to move on and find someone else.
Found another Kinky Irish Person (hey K.I.P.! Cool!) that I know you'll like to check out. Gra mor, Cormac.
http://destinywelles.wordpress.com/the-story-from-the-top/
Each day Mr X varies on the scale of my list of priorities, today he's only about a 2 out of 10. My interest in him is fleeting.
Thanks Cormac for the link. I had a quick read, she has some interesting views. Its a lot to take in. I've never put BDSM and religion together there's always in my mind been a conflict between them. I feel quite a lot of guilt in relation to some of my depraved thoughts - its just all very confusing. What to do for the best, follow my desires (what my cunt wants) or do what I have been brought up believe and act like a "good girl"??
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