Tim (not-so) nice but Dim..

I think things a finally over between Mr X and me. It happened quite abruptly, like pulling a band aid off a wound - it stung for a little while but it was probably the best way to end. He finished it.

As I've said i met him online. We've chatted online and phone for over a year now but I've never had the courage to go that one step further and actually meet. He has in the past put a LOT of pressure on me to meet but i could never bring myself to. When we first started chatting he would ring and text me from his work mobile. I was always respectful that it was his work mobile. I would never ring him and would never text at the weekend or out of office hours unless it was to rely to him. I understood he was married and i most definitely was not going to have it on my conscience that i made life difficult for him or risk his wife finding out. Besides at the beginning i just seen it as harmless fun, we flirted and he completely got what turned me on.

During the first couple of months that we chatted his wife and kids went to stay in their holiday home in Germany. During this time when he was alone he would ring often at night staying on for hours chatting - always on his work mobile. After about 2 months his boss/father queried the huge telephone bill and this Irish mobile number. I got a call one day from a UK number i didn't recognise and it was his boss/father asking who i was. I didn't tell him but to cut a long story short from that call i now knew where he worked. It made no difference, its not like i was going to land up at his doorstep. I never told him i knew where he worked - until last week.

I mentioned it to him and i think it freaked him out. Ok I must admit i would be freaked out too if he knew where i worked but that's because i know there is a very high possibility of him turning up where as i would never dream of going to his place of work. I was insulted that after a year he didn't trust me. What did he think i was going to do with this information? A number of times he asked me to tell him where i worked and when i refused he said he had more to lose than i did. It was because of this reason he finished with me - because i knew where he worked and it all became a bit too real for him.

After the call from his boss and the huge bill he never rang me from his work mobile again but still text. Again about 2 months later he was pulled up again about the huge bill and money spent on texts from his work mobile. He then got a new separate mobile. Sometimes I do wonder just how smart is he? Not only did he ring me from his work mobile but also from his work landline. It doesn't take a genius to figure out where an individual works if they have this information.

I don't think he is cleverer than me even though he'd like to think he is. He thinks he's been crafty and clever but if your planning to have a secret whore on the side and you don't want her to know anything about your private life and also your private life(ie wife and work colleagues) not to find out about this side of you then you'd be more careful than he's been. He has the cheek to look down his nose on the Irish and lump us all in as con artist gypsies who'd steal the eye from your head given half the chance.

The bitch in me thought about posting his picture up on here.. ok I'd never do it but the thought made me smile though!

Say hello, wave goodbye

There's a song which is sang by David Grey called say hello, wave goodbye. This song always reminds me of my relationship with my ex. We lived together for 3 yrs but it never felt right. I was 23 and he was 10 yrs older when we first got together. He offered me security, protection which is something i needed it the time. I believe he loved me at the beginning, he said it first. After a month i felt obliged to say it back. I never said it on my own, it was always in response. The words would almost choke me, i could feel the bile in the back of my throat. I hated myself for lying to him, for using him, for making his life hard, a misery almost. I didn't want to be with him but i couldn't build up the strenght to leave either. I took the cowards way out and thought if i made like hard for him he would turn around and leave me. It took 3 yrs and a 4 marriage proposals before he did eventually leave. He got offered a job in another part of the country and i wouldn't move. So he went his way and i stayed where i was. There were no tears, no argument as to who got what, it was all very amiable like 2 flatmates going their different ways.

There's a line in that song - .'..as for me, well i'll find someone who's not going cheap in the sales.....' that line always pulls at my heart. Thats how i see myself, something going cheap on the sales, something to be used and discarded but never feeling good enough to be someone special. I think that's why affairs with married men appeals. With a married man, there's no expectations, no disappointments. I know from the word go they are liars, cheats, users.. I know where i stand. I feel i'll never be good enough to be someone's wife. I know i'm in this situation because of my own doing, my own beliefs. Thats life i guess and yes i know life is what one makes of it ..

Torn

I started this blog as a way of sorting out my feelings for Mr X. It was, it is a complicated situation and I needed some clarity - writing things down sometimes helps put things into perspective. I have gone through phases with Mr X and thought i was getting on without him, not really missing him, generally doing well. Slowly over the last couple of weeks I've been slowly drawn back in. Without me even knowing/realising I'm back to square one. Why can i not keep away from him? It makes me miserable to be close to him again. Its hard to describe. There's a part of me that wants to be a part of his life, a proper part. I know this will never, never happen. All i can ever hope for is a night in a sleazy hotel with him, that's the best it will get. He sent me a picture of himself at a garden party being held by the Queen. He looked so good in his tux. I'll never be taken to such an event by him, i will always be kept in the background - his dirty secret, his whore.

Why do i torturing myself like this? I should not stay in contact because things are never going to change and I'll never find someone of my own as long as I'm with him. I want to meet him though, i do but i know i won't. I never did sleep with my crush. I don't regret not sleeping with him but i think i will regret not at least meeting Mr X and then deal with the pain of rejection after if that will be the case. If he uses me and that's it - can i deal with it? Surely it would be better than the way things are now, at least then its over for good.

I keep telling myself its only hormones. I think it is too because I've been super horny for the last few days. I've cum on an average of 3 times a day. My poor rabbit vibe died yesterday. I've known it was on its last legs and was prepared, there's another on its way and should arrive any day now. When I'm overly sexed i do tend to get a bit emotional. It will pass and hopefully in the next couple of days i will be over this craving to want more from him than he can or is willing to give.

what do I want??

Mr X is back from holidays and the 3rd of June meeting deadline has been and gone. Again i didn't meet him in Belfast. I enjoy chatting with him, its fun and a safe escapism and once i may have considered the option of meeting him for real - now i can't see that happening in the short term future(next 6 months or so anyway) Never say never and therefore i don't want to burn my bridge with him. Its selfish and unfair of me to lead him on, which is kind of what i'm doing. Its not something i'm proud of, its easier to give him some false hope than to tell him straight out no. If i did that i'd never hear from him again and for now he helps fill a certain gap in my life.

I want to give up control to him, to submit to him but i want to do it on my terms which is a absolute contradiction in terms. I like things done my way, to have control over how things pan out. Giving him that control for real and voluntarily giving up any say is scary. The other side of the coin is that being sexually submissive turns me on like nothing else. It is something i would like to explore, in my own time, with someone i trust... in many ways he's perfect just not quite!

Up until 4 years ago being the dominant partner in a relationship was what turned me on. i had a 6 month relationship with a submissive guy when i lived in London which i enjoyed very much. He was a great partner who was very open minded. He has recently got back in touch and has asked if there was any chance for us to get back together. As we are now in different countries this isn't likely and also i'm not interested in living a 24/7 Domme/sub lifestyle which is deeply what he is looking for. I am still very fond of him and am considering allowing him to visit and serve me for a weekend.

I've been out with my crush again - we went for dinner and drinks. I'm not so sure about him anymore. He's a nice guy but a little dull. I like guys who i can learn from, who are not necessarily intellectual but who have a broad knowledge of subjects. Someone who's life isn't football and cars. Someone who has an air of sophistication about them. Also he's not a great kisser - he's not bad but not great either. I'll give him another chance - it's only fair??

Morning glory

I went out with my new crush last night. We had a good night, just drinks. I didn't allow myself to get too "merry" for 2 main reasons.

1. I'm always too open and honest when drunk
2. I would have brought him home and fucked him

I work with this guy and I don't want my work colleagues knowing what a whore I can be. Most of them have a idea from last years Xmas party but I can almost get away with that incident as a once off (the excuse of mixing my drinks) and I would never normally act like that... I never mix business with pleasure (almost never) The moral of the story is this guy won't be getting any for a while yet. He's due to leave in about 2 weeks - i will fuck him before he goes, that's for sure just closer to the time of him leaving.

Today I was off (i say off - for me this means the morning and afternoon) and OMG had one of the most powerful mind blowing orgasms I've experienced in a while. It was one of those that the spasm just went on and on for what felt like half an hour(in reality it was about 5 mins) Today for the first time in about 3 weeks I can completely relax. I've been extremely horny for the last 6 days or so. Its almost 3 in the afternoon and I'm still lying in bed basking in the afterglow of my mid morning orgasm. The distinct smell of the vibe beside me, its a mixture of rubber and my cum...wonder if i have time to go again???

work, work and more work...

The last week at work has been so stressful but at the same time i enjoyed it. I've been working 14-16 hour days and I've come home barely able to move from exhaustion. However for me there is no greater feeling than falling into my bed, satisfied in the knowledge that i deserve to be in bed, that i have done a hard days work and i can go to sleep without guilt. i think i may be or on the way to being a workaholic - but what is a workaholic?? For the last 6 months i have on average had 1 full day off a month - every other day i work - i work 2 jobs and have accepted a promotion in my second job which will mean more hours, more responsibility. more stress but i need that validation of feeling useful. Work makes me feel useful and that i have a purpose.

Also after a particularly hard exhausting day, when i do eventually get to bed, i need to relax and unwind before i can sleep. I always lie on my stomach and cum grinding down on my fingers. If its a DIY job this is the best position for me for a number of reasons, i always cum within 3-5 mins, all the muscles in my body relax, my aches and pains disappear as orgasm after orgasm washes over me and I'm already in my favourite sleeping position and within seconds I've nodded off into a deep coma almost.

Mr X is on holiday in Turkey with the family for a week. Its a bit of a relief as I'll have a break from the pressure of him asking about us meeting. I'm not meeting him, He knows deep down but it doesn't stop him putting pressure on me.

Speaking of work though - new guy is working with us for a short while. i seen him around for a few weeks before but didn't have much dealings with him and he wasn't anything special to look at. Over the last week I've had to work with him more closely.. oh wow.. He is lovely.. Everyone likes him, no-one has a bad word to say about him. It just shows how much some one's personality can take them from a 4 on a scale of hot up to an 8.5. i admire how well he handles stress, he never loses it or shouts (i wish i could say the same thing), he will always listen and immediately help out. He's from somewhere in Northern Ireland and has that sexy accent that just makes me melt. i think i may have a new crush...

horny weak slut...

For last few days i have been feeling so fucking horny... what happens when i get horny? i become submissive.. my fantasies start to get depraved and i need a like minded person to share in them, to help them blossom... i submitted and contacted Mr X. He stimulates my cunt like no other. i came twice at work today just from texts he sent me during the day. Telling me how a whore like me should be used, that i need him.. that a fuck toy is nothing without a Master to use it, to play with it, to humiliate it... I'm so weak.. When I'm horny I'm so pliable, i bend to his will and I'm helpless. I've tried to be strong, i can manage it until my cunt takes over and then my mind is not my own, my common sense no longer exists.

I've promised I'll meet him in Belfast on the 3 rd of June

What have i done????

...and I'm feelin goood....

Feeling in much better mood this week. Last week my God i was like an anti-Christ - everyone was getting it off me over nothing!!

I have some how over the last few weeks lost all interest in Mr X. I think once i seen things the way things were and not how i wished they could be i came to my senses. Sometimes something will happen that will remind me of him and what i wished i could have had with him. i feel that familiar tightness in my chest of missing him but this is happening less and less thankfully. At one stage it was every time i seen a Audi car it reminded me of him....i hadn't realised but they're all over the bloody place!

Another reason i think i have got over him is that i realised i wasn't willing to settle. I loved so much about him but at the end of the day he was married and in his words I'm "..a spoilt, selfish slut..." I AM. I'm spoilt and selfish in that i don't want to have to share the man i choose to be with. I want an all-in-one man, who can treat me like his bitch when i need that but who i know deep down loves and respects me. Someone who's mine and i don't have to share... oh and if he could look like Daniel Craig that would be good.... Thanx Santa..

Moaning

It was my birthday over the weekend. It had to be the shittiest pathetic excuse for a birthday ever. Its a bank holiday weekend and I've work for the entire time. On my birthday i worked an 14 hr shift in the ONLY good weather we've seen since this time last year which i got to "enjoy" from inside looking out. I want to scream and I'm feeling sorry for myself. Everything this evening is annoying me, i came home and planned to put on a wash but housemate has clothes in the machine, i wanted to watch TV (desperate housewives or sex and the city, some kind of mindless drivel) but no housemates are watching a replay of some poxy match that was probably played years ago... or watching Sky sports news.. What's that all about?? Rubbish!!

I'm so wound up i can't even think straight. Maybe I just need a good hard fuck!

Cum Again..

I came!! My orgasms are back... Oh my god what a relief. I came last Wednesday. I was alone at home, i had the morning off work and woke up horny. I had been feeling horny for a few days, occasionally at work nipping to the toilet, hitching up my skirt (i always wear hold ups, so much more convenient) and rubbing my cunt through my thong to take the edge off. Sometimes i get so sensitive down there to put direct pressure on my clit is too much and i find it better to have the barrier of the flimsy material of my knickers as a kind of protection. i love that feeling of soaking wet material against my cunt and a gust of wind blowing up my skirt.. i swear there have been times I've almost cum just walking down the street, or getting on the train - for some reason at the DART station there's always a good cross wind.

I have 2 very different but 2 equally strong sides to me. Its exhausting trying to figure out which is the real me as i don't think that both can live in harmony.

My light Side:
I'm the girl next door type. I work hard, i pay my bills, i try to always do "the right thing". I'm in my late 20's, and the big 30 is looming. I feel pressure to settle down, to find a good honest hardworking man, to get married, start a family, buy a house... don't get me wrong, i want all that, i really do..

but then there's....

My dark side:
Granted my dark side is most active and takes over when I'm horny but in saying that up until 2 weeks ago that was every fucking minute of every day for months.. Its draining being horny constantly. My dark side craves to be used, to be a whore, to be fucked, degraded, humiliated.. To be told what a cock sucking fuck toy i am.. i crave to be slapped, fucked, tied up. i need to be someone's 3 hole fuck toy.

Can i be a Madonna and whore all in one?