Dread

I feel like I'm cracking up. I have this horrible anxiety since before Christmas, this sense of dread that something horrible is lying around the corner but I don't know what. I can't sleep, I'm shattered but yet lie awake tossing and turning unable to shake off this feeling.

From submissive to dominant

For the last 2 years I've been in a Female Led Relationship. Complete opposite to what I've talked about in here in the past. I haven't posted much, I haven't felt the need to - I was happy. I was the dominant in the relationship, I was the one in control and I loved it. He was amazing, he is amazing but tonight I broke it off for good. I know I'll never meet someone so compatible, so fantastic and yet I threw him away. I would rather be the dumpee over dumper any day. I have to keep telling myself it's for the best. I know withdrawals will set in soon, the knot in the stomach, the doubts, the emptiness. I'm so fucked up! Can a sub ever really change? Is it possible to have such strong submissive feelings and then be so confortable in the role of dominant. Lately my main fantasies have involved submitting to a woman. I told you I was fucked up and all over the place. Anyone else have felt these mixed up desires?

"Dominant Men"

I've come to the conclusion there are actually very few truly dominant men. Actually perhaps that's a little unfair, more accurately there are very few dominant men who are able for me. I start off with an open mind of any man who classes himself as dominant, i play the meek horny needy slut. Usually i am desperately horny at the time of meeting/chatting to them so as a means to an end ie. a powerful orgasm. They say all the right things at the beginning, they're cold, hard...

Over time they soften though, I get to know them, I figure out what makes them tick, I say what they want to hear knowing I have them wrapped around my finger. I start to see their weaknesses and they begin to disgust me. I lose any respect i had for them. I see them for what they really are and then slowly I back away and lose interest or worse hurt them.

I've always been told i have a sharp tongue and i don't suffer fools. When i detect weakness in these self proclaimed "dominant men" I go for the jugular. Not like a panther bouncing on his prey ripping it apart, it's more subtle than that, a snake wrapping it's body slowly around it's prey and squeezing the life out of it. They don't quite know what's happening until it's too late.

I'm not proud of myself, it doesn't give me pleasure but they repulse me so much i have to squash them like a disgusting spider. Do I hate men?

In my experience dominant men usually turn out to be married men who are desperate for any type of female attention. They think a slut/sub is easy pickings. Another type are the spoilt children. Usually an only child/youngest, close links with an elderly mother, knowing she won't be around forever seeks a replacement, a combination of devoted mother to the little emperor who'll wash, cook, clean, wait on him and a complete whore. I'm sure they're are other types but for now they are the most common I've come across.

Mr. X however proving the exception to the rule. Yes he's married but there's never that hint of desperation that the other married men who claim to be dominant exude. On the occasions he is softer with me I know it's not weakness, he can turn to steel in an instant.

As time goes on the more and more I'm convinced women are the dominant species we just like to play at being inferior for fun.

Brief visit

Can't believe how long it's been since I posted anything here. I think I just used this place to express some things I couldn't tell anyone. It's very useful for that. I wasn't sure what I was looking for. I was a bit lost and then I met someone. It's funny to read back on the previous post exclaiming I couldn't see myself with an Irish man that would quit me. How wrong I was. I've met someone who has become a great friend among everything else. This is truly new for me. None of my ex's have been a friend. Mr. X wasn't a friend even my ex I lived with for 3 yrs I wouldn't have clapped as a friend. Not like M. I've never met someone who 'gets' me like he does. Anyway enough gushing. I love him but I think we'll end up very good friends rather than a couple. I still have my needs and even though he's open to some I think I'd rather have him as a friend and find someone else to need other needs.

Class

Wow I can't believe it's been so long since I wrote something on here. I've been distracted by a new guy I've gotten to know but another non starter. I enjoyed getting to know him but it will never go anywhere.

He too is English (I don't think I can ever be an Irish guys slut, the Irish accent is too soft and Irish guys in general are too decent to really do the whole Master thing right) He's married but getting Divorced, no kids, he's a successful business man who's a Free Mason (not really sure what difference that makes but he makes a big deal about it so I act suitable impressed)

He's very open and I love that about him. He's splitting from his wife because she doesn't satisfy him in bed. It's not that she won't sleep with him, she wants to but in his words she's boring and he'd rather have a wank. I feel sorry for his wife because he hasn't even told her what the problem is, that he's into all this kinky stuff and she isn't. She doesn't even swallow so its fair to say his desires to piss in her mouth won't be happening. When he talks about her, he refers to her as 'it'. Again that sets off alarm bells.

I think he has the potential to be a great dominant to the right girl. He wants something full time. Once he's divorced from his wife he's looking for the right girl to move in with him. He has no objections to getting married again but no kids. I personally want kids one day but never with a dominant. I would never bring a child into that life or grow up within that relationship dynamics.

The biggest turn off for me regarding him is I think he'd fuck anything. He knows that nothing will happen between us but we remain in touch. Last week he met up with 2 different girls he met online and went dogging. Up until last week I innocently thought dogging was 2 people in a car fucking each other with the lights on and others could watch. I actually quite liked the idea of doing that but it turns out that his version of dogging and mine were different. Where he goes, its not just watching to strangers fuck and have a wank, the girl will wank spectators, give them blow jobs or get out of the car, bend over the passenger seat and offer herself to whoever wants to us her.

The fact he participates in these activities just leaves a bad taste in my mouth - he can't have any respect for himself. He's a man slut with no class. Mr.X had class - i miss him.

The thin line between reality and fantasy

Mr. X is gone for good. I've deleted his phone numbers and e mail addresses so i won't be tempted to get in touch and hopefully I will think less about him if I get rid of these things. As part of my detoxing programme for ridding Mr. X from my life I've started chatting to another guy over the last few weeks. He's the morphine to my heroin addiction. In the past I haven't been successful going cold turkey, I'm hoping this approach will work.

I am girl and he is Sir, he's my usual type, married, older than I (49), successful business man with a great English accent, he actually has a great deep rich voice. In so many ways he's great and gets me and understands what it is his girl needs but in others I honestly think he's in cloud cookoo land. Ideally what he wants is for me to move over to London so it will make it easier for his to use me without too many questions from his wife. I'm not oppose to the idea, I've no ties in Dublin but i wouldn't just give up my life to be some married mans play thing.

He expects me to be able to cum on average of 10 times a day. At a push i might be able to accomplish this for one or two days but not everyday. He calls me in the morning, evening, at work, out with friends and expects that i can cum for him over the phone, it doesn't matter where i am. Sometimes i admit i enjoy it and the risk but not ALL the time. The final straw came today. I'm on a long bus journey on a busy bus, he instructed me to fuck my arse with a coke bottle. A COKE bottle, on a busy PUBLIC bus! Not to mention that i didn't have any lube to get something of that size up there. I think the line between fantasy and reality is blurred in his case, or is it just me? Have girls done this in the past, is it possible.

Also he expects that I'll be able to squirt buckets when i cum, again is that possible in real life and not just in some porn film. It's never happened for me yet!

A short break

It's been a while since I've posted. Since last time I've celebrated a milestone birthday, had the best holiday of my life so far been invited to Germany for a weekend away with Mr. X, slept with an NYPD officer and it didn't disappoint. I didn't go to Germany with Mr. X, apart from the fact the dates clashed with my holiday i still wouldn't have gone. I still think about him a lot, some times more than others. I think it's because he has a lot of the qualities I look for in a man but haven't found in another yet. He's ambitious and driven, he's confident and laid back with a take me or leave me attitude, he's dominant but nurturing, he encouraged me to do better, to be better where other men i've been with have tried to push me down and were afraid or threatened by my success. One ex didn't want me to take a job i was offered because i would earn more than him and according to him, that was just not right. The fact Mr. X is a successful business owner and he was proud of my accomplishments. He's always encouraged me to be better in all areas of my life and i love that about him. Maybe the reason i hold him in such high regard comes down to that primitive level of seeking a mate who would be a good provider, a leader, protector. Sometimes I read articules that complain that men feel they no longer have a place in our modern world. Women no longer need men for financial support, to reproduce, to house or feed us but i for one am tired of the metrosexual males that tip toe around - bring back the John Waynes of this world, bring back the alpha male.

Prostitution

Before I even start I do want to point out I know the horrible truth behind prostitution, the smuggled girls, the real sex slaves and I'm appalled at some of the stories in the papers that appeared only this week.







However lately I've been having quite a few fantasies about being paid for sex. I don't know if it's the detached sex, that I wouldn't actually have to engage with this person beyond the physical act or if it's that my body would be used by this man for his pleasure and then discarded once I'd served my purpose? Is it the validation that this guy was actually willing to pay to have sex with me?

In truth I think it is all of the above. Once you accept money for sex, that's it, your fate is sealed. Your a whore. Nothing will ever change that, not in a weeks time or 70 yrs time, you will always be a whore. I'm torn in two as a person, I've mentioned so many times before, there's the "good" me and the "bad" me. I haven't allowed myself to explore half the stuff I desire, e.g Mr. X. He was so perfect for me in so many ways.

I read a book a few months ago called "sugarbabe" about a girl in Sydney, Australia who advertised for a sugar daddy. It was supposedly a true story but basically she would be this married man's paid mistress. He paid her to be available to him whenever and where ever he needed or wanted her. He would be given a key to her apartment so he could use it as his own when he needed to get away from things and she tended to all his needs...for a fee. I mentioned this to Mr X once. He just laughed.

In theory i like the idea and not because I'm some lazy sponger who wants to be supported. I have a good job which i love and i need to work hard and feel like I've done a proper days work to actually sleep at night and validate my existence. Its not the money that appeals (but of course it has its benefits), its that this person thinks I'm worth paying for.

The reality of the situation is different of course, as this girl found out, there's the feeling of rejection when they leave after a couple months. They don't owe you an explanation, your a service they paid for and can give up just as quick.

Taking all that in however I still would like to find out of someone would be willing to pay to sleep with me.

Weak Men

I've no time for weak men. They irritate, repulse and annoy me beyond belief. Men who whinge and moan when something doesn't go their way. Men who assume the world owes them a living. Oh poor me.... everyone is against me....it's everyone else's fault.....WELL maybe, just maybe its YOU! Maybe your mother was wrong and your not the reincarnation of Christ himself and you should get up off your arse and make something of your life instead of constantly moaning about how crap your life is and expecting everything to be handed to you.

What kind of "man" is quite happy and sees it as acceptable for everything in life to be handed to him! Who expects the people around him to pander to his every need and dare they protest at the injustice of it - then sulks! A man should have ambition and drive, a man should lead by example and therefore they command respect because he has damned well earned it. A man doesn't demand respect and then turn into a whinging bitch when he doesn't get it.

How can you expect me to truly submit to you, to look up to you and be completely devoted to you as a submissive needs to be when it's I who carry you. I have to be the strong one constantly, in the past I've supported you financially, emotionally, I have to carry your insecurities and silently deal with my own. Your not for me, that's why I broke up with you all those years ago. Why would I want to start it all up again? Your far too weak, needy and dependent. You drag me down.

This is a man who in the past has flogged me and drawn blood, who's raped my arse so savagely, pounded me so severely I couldn't sit for a full day and walked with difficulty for days after. I didn't complain or moan because there would have been no point.

Your have a fucking head cold....

Suck it up! ! ! !

Meeting G. Part 1

Just over a month ago i was out with friends and met a guy who was over from England for the weekend in Dublin. It was during a period of time when i was feeling so extremely horny and nothing seemed to quench my aching cunt. I liked him immediately. He wasn't the best looking in his group but looks are fleeting to me. I've learned for part experience just how dull 'good looking' guys really are. He was so cock sure of himself, he didn't make any special effort to attract female attention. The same can't be said for his friends. Sitting chatting to his friend i could feel his eyes bore into me as an extremly attractive blond twittered in his ear. I glanced over making eye contact, looking away quickly - embarrassed. Again i steal a look, still those cold grey eyes pierce into me. I started to feel a little uncomfortable, shifting in my seat but the room has gone quiet. I can no longer focus on the friend. I get braver and hold his gaze for a few seconds. I smile - Nothing! Not even a flinch. I give in and get up to go to the toilet. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I went to the bar, as i try to get the attention of the girl behind the bar a hand grabs the flesh of my arse and gropes me unashamedly. Turning around 'what the fuc...' grey eyes staring back at me striking me dumb. I push his hand - that was still on my arse - away. He smiled and paid for my drink. I don't know where the blond disappeared to. He lead me to a secluded corner and we chatted. He had a northern English accent with a low deep voice. God it was so fucking sexy. Turned out he was extremely articulate, witty, intelligent and we had quiet a lot in common. Bonus points for the fact he could pronounce my name which is one of those problematic Irish names which English people seem to find impossible to pronounce. Before i knew it, we were being kicked out as it was long after closing time. His friends had gone to a club next door as had mine. As we walked out the door we both knew we wouldn't be joining them in the club. We walked out of the bar and hailed a taxi back to mine. I figured i wouldn't be seeing his again as he was flying back to England the next day - i could be as un-inhibitated as i needed to get it out of my system......