another wannabe slut

You broke my heart.

2011-07-12T20:11:00.000+01:00

Talking to a brick wall

2011-06-17T13:40:00.004+01:00

I 'm so disappointed and angry with you right now. Pissed off is more accurate. I can't believe your this person now. This cold hard brick that now ignores me. Nothing infuriates me quite as much as being ignored. What really pisses me off is that I don't even know why. What makes worse is I don't think I actually did anything wrong. I think you've now morphed into his Russell wannabe character. You have your harem and I'm surplus to requirement. I can honestly say no one has ever treated me as appallingly as you have. I have never allowed someone in like I did you, I have never given to someone as I did you. You knew no matter what I would have been there for you. You are self serving, self bemused we joked about It, that if 2 mins went by that the focus is taken off you. Your job, your ex, your relationships with various and ever increasing loony women. The fights you have weekly. I listened I was there trough it all. I'm so pissed off with you now. How pathetic I was, I turned a blind eye to your faults. We did have fun. As you said we were clones but as soon as someone X 4 better comes along I'm disguarded like last xmas toy. One day you will realise what you turned your back on. Wait until the day they too are all gone and without doubt that day will come. You'll be back in your house alone again. You are so unbelievably selfish. I haven't been able to vent, to express myself so I use here. I can't believe someone can be so inconsiderate so ungrateful and selfish. I hope i've learned my lesson. I hope i can see your kind coming in the future. I just wait for the day you come crawling back like I know you eventually will so I can stamp all over you!

"Dominant Men"

2011-02-16T09:43:00.003Z

I've come to the conclusion there are actually very few truly dominant men. Actually perhaps that's a little unfair, more accurately there are very few dominant men who are able for me. I start off with an open mind of any man who classes himself as dominant, i play the meek horny needy slut. Usually i am desperately horny at the time of meeting/chatting to them so as a means to an end ie. a powerful orgasm. They say all the right things at the beginning, they're cold, hard...

Over time they soften though, I get to know them, I figure out what makes them tick, I say what they want to hear knowing I have them wrapped around my finger. I start to see their weaknesses and they begin to disgust me. I lose any respect i had for them. I see them for what they really are and then slowly I back away and lose interest or worse hurt them.

I've always been told i have a sharp tongue and i don't suffer fools. When i detect weakness in these self proclaimed "dominant men" I go for the jugular. Not like a panther bouncing on his prey ripping it apart, it's more subtle than that, a snake wrapping it's body slowly around it's prey and squeezing the life out of it. They don't quite know what's happening until it's too late.

I'm not proud of myself, it doesn't give me pleasure but they repulse me so much i have to squash them like a disgusting spider. Do I hate men?

In my experience dominant men usually turn out to be married men who are desperate for any type of female attention. They think a slut/sub is easy pickings. Another type are the spoilt children. Usually an only child/youngest, close links with an elderly mother, knowing she won't be around forever seeks a replacement, a combination of devoted mother to the little emperor who'll wash, cook, clean, wait on him and a complete whore. I'm sure they're are other types but for now they are the most common I've come across.

Mr. X however proving the exception to the rule. Yes he's married but there's never that hint of desperation that the other married men who claim to be dominant exude. On the occasions he is softer with me I know it's not weakness, he can turn to steel in an instant.

As time goes on the more and more I'm convinced women are the dominant species we just like to play at being inferior for fun.

Brief visit

2010-07-01T22:48:00.003+01:00

Can't believe how long it's been since I posted anything here. I think I just used this place to express some things I couldn't tell anyone. It's very useful for that. I wasn't sure what I was looking for. I was a bit lost and then I met someone. It's funny to read back on the previous post exclaiming I couldn't see myself with an Irish man that would quit me. How wrong I was. I've met someone who has become a great friend among everything else. This is truly new for me. None of my ex's have been a friend. Mr. X wasn't a friend even my ex I lived with for 3 yrs I wouldn't have clapped as a friend. Not like M. I've never met someone who 'gets' me like he does. Anyway enough gushing. I love him but I think we'll end up very good friends rather than a couple. I still have my needs and even though he's open to some I think I'd rather have him as a friend and find someone else to need other needs.

Class

2009-11-05T09:37:00.004Z

Wow I can't believe it's been so long since I wrote something on here. I've been distracted by a new guy I've gotten to know but another non starter. I enjoyed getting to know him but it will never go anywhere.

He too is English (I don't think I can ever be an Irish guys slut, the Irish accent is too soft and Irish guys in general are too decent to really do the whole Master thing right) He's married but getting Divorced, no kids, he's a successful business man who's a Free Mason (not really sure what difference that makes but he makes a big deal about it so I act suitable impressed)

He's very open and I love that about him. He's splitting from his wife because she doesn't satisfy him in bed. It's not that she won't sleep with him, she wants to but in his words she's boring and he'd rather have a wank. I feel sorry for his wife because he hasn't even told her what the problem is, that he's into all this kinky stuff and she isn't. She doesn't even swallow so its fair to say his desires to piss in her mouth won't be happening. When he talks about her, he refers to her as 'it'. Again that sets off alarm bells.

I think he has the potential to be a great dominant to the right girl. He wants something full time. Once he's divorced from his wife he's looking for the right girl to move in with him. He has no objections to getting married again but no kids. I personally want kids one day but never with a dominant. I would never bring a child into that life or grow up within that relationship dynamics.

The biggest turn off for me regarding him is I think he'd fuck anything. He knows that nothing will happen between us but we remain in touch. Last week he met up with 2 different girls he met online and went dogging. Up until last week I innocently thought dogging was 2 people in a car fucking each other with the lights on and others could watch. I actually quite liked the idea of doing that but it turns out that his version of dogging and mine were different. Where he goes, its not just watching to strangers fuck and have a wank, the girl will wank spectators, give them blow jobs or get out of the car, bend over the passenger seat and offer herself to whoever wants to us her.

The fact he participates in these activities just leaves a bad taste in my mouth - he can't have any respect for himself. He's a man slut with no class. Mr.X had class - i miss him.

The thin line between reality and fantasy

2009-07-22T11:23:00.003+01:00

Mr. X is gone for good. I've deleted his phone numbers and e mail addresses so i won't be tempted to get in touch and hopefully I will think less about him if I get rid of these things. As part of my detoxing programme for ridding Mr. X from my life I've started chatting to another guy over the last few weeks. He's the morphine to my heroin addiction. In the past I haven't been successful going cold turkey, I'm hoping this approach will work.

I am girl and he is Sir, he's my usual type, married, older than I (49), successful business man with a great English accent, he actually has a great deep rich voice. In so many ways he's great and gets me and understands what it is his girl needs but in others I honestly think he's in cloud cookoo land. Ideally what he wants is for me to move over to London so it will make it easier for his to use me without too many questions from his wife. I'm not oppose to the idea, I've no ties in Dublin but i wouldn't just give up my life to be some married mans play thing.

He expects me to be able to cum on average of 10 times a day. At a push i might be able to accomplish this for one or two days but not everyday. He calls me in the morning, evening, at work, out with friends and expects that i can cum for him over the phone, it doesn't matter where i am. Sometimes i admit i enjoy it and the risk but not ALL the time. The final straw came today. I'm on a long bus journey on a busy bus, he instructed me to fuck my arse with a coke bottle. A COKE bottle, on a busy PUBLIC bus! Not to mention that i didn't have any lube to get something of that size up there. I think the line between fantasy and reality is blurred in his case, or is it just me? Have girls done this in the past, is it possible.

Also he expects that I'll be able to squirt buckets when i cum, again is that possible in real life and not just in some porn film. It's never happened for me yet!

A short break

2009-06-13T08:30:00.003+01:00

It's been a while since I've posted. Since last time I've celebrated a milestone birthday, had the best holiday of my life so far been invited to Germany for a weekend away with Mr. X, slept with an NYPD officer and it didn't disappoint. I didn't go to Germany with Mr. X, apart from the fact the dates clashed with my holiday i still wouldn't have gone. I still think about him a lot, some times more than others. I think it's because he has a lot of the qualities I look for in a man but haven't found in another yet. He's ambitious and driven, he's confident and laid back with a take me or leave me attitude, he's dominant but nurturing, he encouraged me to do better, to be better where other men i've been with have tried to push me down and were afraid or threatened by my success. One ex didn't want me to take a job i was offered because i would earn more than him and according to him, that was just not right. The fact Mr. X is a successful business owner and he was proud of my accomplishments. He's always encouraged me to be better in all areas of my life and i love that about him. Maybe the reason i hold him in such high regard comes down to that primitive level of seeking a mate who would be a good provider, a leader, protector. Sometimes I read articules that complain that men feel they no longer have a place in our modern world. Women no longer need men for financial support, to reproduce, to house or feed us but i for one am tired of the metrosexual males that tip toe around - bring back the John Waynes of this world, bring back the alpha male.

Prostitution

2009-04-19T21:15:00.004+01:00

Before I even start I do want to point out I know the horrible truth behind prostitution, the smuggled girls, the real sex slaves and I'm appalled at some of the stories in the papers that appeared only this week.

However lately I've been having quite a few fantasies about being paid for sex. I don't know if it's the detached sex, that I wouldn't actually have to engage with this person beyond the physical act or if it's that my body would be used by this man for his pleasure and then discarded once I'd served my purpose? Is it the validation that this guy was actually willing to pay to have sex with me?

In truth I think it is all of the above. Once you accept money for sex, that's it, your fate is sealed. Your a whore. Nothing will ever change that, not in a weeks time or 70 yrs time, you will always be a whore. I'm torn in two as a person, I've mentioned so many times before, there's the "good" me and the "bad" me. I haven't allowed myself to explore half the stuff I desire, e.g Mr. X. He was so perfect for me in so many ways.

I read a book a few months ago called "sugarbabe" about a girl in Sydney, Australia who advertised for a sugar daddy. It was supposedly a true story but basically she would be this married man's paid mistress. He paid her to be available to him whenever and where ever he needed or wanted her. He would be given a key to her apartment so he could use it as his own when he needed to get away from things and she tended to all his needs...for a fee. I mentioned this to Mr X once. He just laughed.

In theory i like the idea and not because I'm some lazy sponger who wants to be supported. I have a good job which i love and i need to work hard and feel like I've done a proper days work to actually sleep at night and validate my existence. Its not the money that appeals (but of course it has its benefits), its that this person thinks I'm worth paying for.

The reality of the situation is different of course, as this girl found out, there's the feeling of rejection when they leave after a couple months. They don't owe you an explanation, your a service they paid for and can give up just as quick.

Taking all that in however I still would like to find out of someone would be willing to pay to sleep with me.

Weak Men

2009-04-02T09:16:00.002+01:00

I've no time for weak men. They irritate, repulse and annoy me beyond belief. Men who whinge and moan when something doesn't go their way. Men who assume the world owes them a living. Oh poor me.... everyone is against me....it's everyone else's fault.....WELL maybe, just maybe its YOU! Maybe your mother was wrong and your not the reincarnation of Christ himself and you should get up off your arse and make something of your life instead of constantly moaning about how crap your life is and expecting everything to be handed to you.

What kind of "man" is quite happy and sees it as acceptable for everything in life to be handed to him! Who expects the people around him to pander to his every need and dare they protest at the injustice of it - then sulks! A man should have ambition and drive, a man should lead by example and therefore they command respect because he has damned well earned it. A man doesn't demand respect and then turn into a whinging bitch when he doesn't get it.

How can you expect me to truly submit to you, to look up to you and be completely devoted to you as a submissive needs to be when it's I who carry you. I have to be the strong one constantly, in the past I've supported you financially, emotionally, I have to carry your insecurities and silently deal with my own. Your not for me, that's why I broke up with you all those years ago. Why would I want to start it all up again? Your far too weak, needy and dependent. You drag me down.

This is a man who in the past has flogged me and drawn blood, who's raped my arse so savagely, pounded me so severely I couldn't sit for a full day and walked with difficulty for days after. I didn't complain or moan because there would have been no point.

Your have a fucking head cold....

Suck it up! ! ! !

Meeting G. Part 2

2009-03-25T08:30:00.002Z

We get a taxi within minutes, the clubs hadn't closed yet so the streets weren't swamped by the drunken mobs. We both sit in the back and i give the taxi driver my address. There's the usual small talk with the driver as we start the journey, he talks to the driver about some match or other that was played earlier in the day as i stare out the window. My attention was brought back when i felt his hand between my thighs. I look at him but his focus is still with the driver...."Shame about Defoe.... Keane transfer..." pushing the flimsy material of my skirt up exposing the lace top of my hold ups... his hand slowly etching their way further up my thighs... i couldn't take my eyes off his fingers almost feather like on as they ran along the border that was the top of my hold up and bare flesh. I knew my thighs were damp, my thong had been soaked through before we even started chatting, when i first felt those cold eyes bore into me my juices flowed.... i blushed slightly when he turned to me and smiled knowing he had noticed too.

I remembered vividly being stuck at lights beside The Guinness Brewery when 2 fingers pushed my thong aside and plunged into my dripping wet hole. I was caught a little off guard by the force and moaned out, disguised pathetically as a cough. For the remainder of our journey, both men continued their conversation as i drifted in and out of a euphoric haze. I love being fingered, almost as much as being fucked, fingers probing, exploring almost! As the taxi pulls into my estate as quickly as he entered me i was left empty and wanting. He brought his hand up to my face now looking me in the eye he and ran his wet fingers along my cheek and outline of my lips before kissing me. As i reach back into the taxi to get my bag i notice a wet patch glisten in the street lights on the leather seats where I'd just sat.

Before i even had a chance to open my front door he had pinned me against it, turning me around to face him, he kissed me hard. The door handle digging into the flesh of my arse as he pressed his body against mine. I reach down to caress his crotch but he pushes my hand away and breaks the kiss. Inside i hear the two guys i live with downstairs so we go straight up to my room. My cunt now aching and contracting needing and wanting to be filled by him, to be stretched.

I close the door and he lays on my bed. He looks me up and down without saying a word then tells me to remove my dress. I look at him for a moment before pulling down the zip at the side of my dress. Removing the straps.. it drops to the floor around my ankles. I step out of it and walk towards him still in my heels, hold ups red bra and matching thong. He stands up and embraces me, kissing me hard as he unhooks my bra. He stands back drinking me in as he unbuttons his shirt. The anticipation is almost killing me.

His hand traces along the out line of my breast, my nipples twist up hard as his fingers tease and play, He pinches them hard then kissing them softly. His body pressed close to mine he drops to his knees with his arms around my waist. He pulls down my thong around my ankles and starts to finger me once again, looking up at me every so often as his fingers explore my cunt. His breath against my clit, his tongue now softly flicks and teases it... i feel my knees weaken as i grab his shoulders to support me. It takes only minutes before my knees buckle and i cum hard onto his face before falling back onto the bed.

I wanted more than ever for him to fuck me, his back was turned to me as he removes his pants and i plead with him to please fuck me, to please fuck me hard now. He turned around and my heart sank. I felt a mixture of disappointment and guilt. I tried my utmost for it not to show on my face. I closed my eyes as he lay down beside me and started to kiss me, to get on top of me. I'm ashamed to say i lost heart, my enthusiasm waned and I was no longer desired him madly as i had only a few minutes earlier. After my initial wave of disappointment and disbelieve if I'm honest subsided I felt incredible guilt. It was just so unexpected though, i hadn't even thought about his size. I just assumed.... I have been promiscuous in the past and have seen my fair share of cocks but I can honestly say I've never seen one quite as small as his. Even now I still feel dreadful even bringing it up. It wasn't his fault, there was nothing he or anyone else could do about it.

We did fuck, it wasn't the mind blowing, rip roaring fuck i was hoping for but he did his best. Out of guilt I gave him my number and promised to meet him again when he comes to Dublin. We've talked and texted, he's invited me over for a weekend. I hate myself for being so shallow but I doubt I'll be meeting up with him again.

Meeting G. Part 1

2009-03-13T16:08:00.002Z

Just over a month ago i was out with friends and met a guy who was over from England for the weekend in Dublin. It was during a period of time when i was feeling so extremely horny and nothing seemed to quench my aching cunt. I liked him immediately. He wasn't the best looking in his group but looks are fleeting to me. I've learned for part experience just how dull 'good looking' guys really are. He was so cock sure of himself, he didn't make any special effort to attract female attention. The same can't be said for his friends. Sitting chatting to his friend i could feel his eyes bore into me as an extremly attractive blond twittered in his ear. I glanced over making eye contact, looking away quickly - embarrassed. Again i steal a look, still those cold grey eyes pierce into me. I started to feel a little uncomfortable, shifting in my seat but the room has gone quiet. I can no longer focus on the friend. I get braver and hold his gaze for a few seconds. I smile - Nothing! Not even a flinch. I give in and get up to go to the toilet. I couldn't stop thinking about him. I went to the bar, as i try to get the attention of the girl behind the bar a hand grabs the flesh of my arse and gropes me unashamedly. Turning around 'what the fuc...' grey eyes staring back at me striking me dumb. I push his hand - that was still on my arse - away. He smiled and paid for my drink. I don't know where the blond disappeared to. He lead me to a secluded corner and we chatted. He had a northern English accent with a low deep voice. God it was so fucking sexy. Turned out he was extremely articulate, witty, intelligent and we had quiet a lot in common. Bonus points for the fact he could pronounce my name which is one of those problematic Irish names which English people seem to find impossible to pronounce. Before i knew it, we were being kicked out as it was long after closing time. His friends had gone to a club next door as had mine. As we walked out the door we both knew we wouldn't be joining them in the club. We walked out of the bar and hailed a taxi back to mine. I figured i wouldn't be seeing his again as he was flying back to England the next day - i could be as un-inhibitated as i needed to get it out of my system......

CUNTache

2009-02-06T09:44:00.002Z

I've been awoken this morning by my aching cunt, my panties sopping wet and stuck to me. I can smell the heavy musty scent of arousal. This ache pulsates through the lower half of my abdomen. I'm not sure how long I can pacify it using sex toys, fingers, strangers cocks. Its becoming more demanding, its screaming to be used, it longs to be stretched open, penetrated so deep and roughly it actually believes its been torn apart. It is not the mere act of sex it needs, it needs to be stimulated like only a true Master can accomplish, with skill and confidence. It needs to be owned.

We all revert to type!

2009-02-06T01:09:00.004Z

It snowed here today. This is a big deal in Ireland, it never snows here, it rains like 95% of the time but snow is rare - it was beautiful.

Since Christmas I have tried to keep away from BDSM blogs, web sites, anything that reminds me of it, of him and starts me longing, craving him. I figure if I keep busy and try really hard to forget about him, I will overcome it.

I heard from him about 3 weeks ago now. We hadn't had any contact in over 2 months and out of the blue he's back. Charming and sadistic as ever, sweeping into my life as I try so hard to forget. He'd broken his ankle, it made me want to care for him more. I'm such a sucker at heart (no pun intended) - but that particular day I wasn't my usual weak horny slut he was used to. I was distant but polite. He said he had some things to sort out, needed some distance. That was it, and I was suppose to fall back in line and continue where we left off. I told him there was no point, I no longer needed him or desired him - Who was I kidding?? I do absolutely still find him as sexy as ever.

Today I had a moment of weakness, which unless reined in and put a stop to immediately will lead to my demise. I had a look at a couple of my favourite blogs and within the space of 20mins all the good work of the last 6 wks have gone out the window and I'm back to square one. I want him back in my life.

I've grown up in a generation where women are taught from a young age that we can have whatever we want. If you want a sports car, high powered job, penthouse apartment and place in the country... we can have it all... If the desire is there, if the longing is strong enough, if your motivated and focused enough to work as hard as it takes - its yours for the taking....

I have my dream job, I'm financially comfortable and independent. I can travel to Australia or South America but I'll never, no matter how hard I work, no matter how much I crave him - I'll never have him.

Maybe I'm spoilt, Maybe that's why I'm having such a hard time getting over and accepting that this is one thing I can't have!

Happy New Year

2009-01-26T22:31:00.002Z

Yes i know we're almost into Febuary now but its my first post of '09. I haven't posted anything as i've nothing really to say. So far '09 is good, i now only have one job which i am absolutely loving and i have 2 days off a week. I'm aware this is normal stuff for most people but for the last year 2 days off a week is a luxury i didn't have working 2 jobs. I forgot how good it is too just lie in bed and not have to worry about getting up to go to work, to do laundry, shopping, catch the bank before i go to work and then to basically sleep walk home at 11.30pm.

I enjoyed Christmas and New Year. Again a first for me as I was off work for both, i normally would have had to work one or other. Its funny when I go back to my family home how you revert back into old familiar roles, even though i'm a grown woman nearing 30. Arguing with my brother over the tv remote, shouting on my mother to settle the dispute, the same old feeling when my dad goes on a binge at Christmas and my parents argue when he staggers. Myself and my brother in another room pretending its not happening. My mother getting upset and it being my job to comfort her. My brother walking out of the house and my father collaping into bed or falling asleep on the couch. Afraid an neighbour or relative will call around, embarrassed at this drunken fool snoring but having to pretend everythings alright while they're there. My mother going to the bathroom to cover up red eyes from crying, turning the tv up a little to loud to drown out snoring from the other room as i make small talk about the weather. All of this is Christmas in our house but its just a small part, its still one of my favourite times of the year. There's something magical about it - i'm a child behind it all.

Promiscuous Girls

2008-12-12T00:18:00.002Z

Sluts, tarts, whores, slags, slappers... whatever you may call them/me. People are so judgemental. I can only speak from my own experience but it makes me so angry at times how quickly people are to judge "loose women". I fully admit when I was younger I was a loose woman. I went out 2-3 nights a week and I brought at least 1 guy a week home. It gave me a thrill to flirt with a new guy, to know he liked me enough to want to come home with me, to sleep with me. I wouldn't have full penetrative sex with 90% of them once we did come back to my place but we did everything but.

This behaviour was so destructive, to me, to my friends who I shared an apartment with. They didn't know who or what I was going to bring into the place next. It damaged our friendship, it damaged me but it was a cycle I just couldn't break. I lost everything that was dear to me. I was lucky nothing serious ever happened to me with some of these guys. I put myself in some dodgy situations. I remember one night just meeting a guy as i queued for my coat after the nightclub was finished and going home with him, back to his place. No one knew where I went, I was lucky he was a sweet good guy. I didn't even know his name.

I'm not proud of my past behaviour but in the last year or so I have began to understand why I acted like this and have forgiven myself. I had a need, it was so deep that I had no control over it. It wasn't a need for sex but the need for male attention. To be accepted, wanted .. I was looking for love in all the wrong places. I mistook their lust for intimacy. Momentarily, for a few hours at least they gave me what I craved, that was until the next day when I felt so much worse about my self, the self loathing, the shame.... until the next time. The continual cycle.

If your reading this and your male with a young daughter I can't stress to you enough just how important you are in your daughters life. Every little girl needs her dad or a strong male role model in her life to love her and for her to know no matter what, you are there unconditionally for her. A girl growing up without her dad (and I'm not just talking about dad who've walked out, my dad lived with us but the only time he paid me any attention was when he'd come home drunk and wanted something to eat or to take off his shoes cause he was too drunk to bend down and undo the laces himself)will look for that validation from the first punk ass boy to give her any attention.

You don't want her to turn out like me....

Puppy Adventures

2008-11-30T22:33:00.002Z

This is a fictional story i found and liked....

Puppy's Further Adventures
by MasterKensbeany©

It was a dreadfully long, lonely day for the puppy waiting for her Master's return. Earlier she had gone thru her usual morning rituals, waking Master with her warm hungry mouth, bathing him with her hands and tongue, fixing his breakfast and sitting patiently on the floor next to him while he ate, cleaning up...all routine but each in their own way completely satisfying for her. With even the smallest service she did for her Master, she made his life easier, brought him comfort and pleasure and she lived to do just those things.

Sometimes, when he left her home alone for the day, he left her free to take care of her chores around the house. Sometimes, he left her bound to the bed or over the furniture, helpless and exposed, ready to be played with or taken at his leisure when he returned. Sometimes, like this morning, he left her locked securely inside her cage with a blanket for comfort, her bowls in the corner with water and kibble and a couple of her favorite chew toys. Before he'd closed her inside, he'd stuffed the dildo into her pussy and the plug with held her tail into her ass.

Shortly after purchasing her cage, he'd had a harness special made for her, it held the dildo and plug firmly in place, allowing her tail to fall properly down her thighs and even had an opening for her to pee without having to remove it all. The only thing she couldn't do was touch herself, her clitty was completely covered and there was no room whatsoever for her to ride on the dildo. It was maddening to feel the constant urgent throbbing of her pussy and ass around the plugs, feeling them rub together with each small move she made and not be able to bring herself to climax. Around her nipples he'd placed small rings which held them firmly engorged and kept them sore. Over them she wore a special bra which, again, allowed no access to probing fingers. She waited, trying to get comfortable in her cramped cage, trying to ignore her arousal and listening intently for the sounds that would signal her Master's return.

As the hours wore on, her torment increased. She could feel the leather of her harness becoming saturated with her juices and then her thighs become slick with them. Her nipples ached to be released from the rings, until they became a constant nagging pain. She couldn't lie still, she dreaded moving and on top of everything else, her water bowl was empty and she had to pee. Ignoring her bladder became her one overriding concern now, she couldn't pee in her cage, Master would be so angry at her if she did that. She paced back and forth on hands and knees, begging out loud for her Master to return though she knew she was forbidden to speak when Master had her in puppy mode. She didn't care, all she could think of was the needs of her own body. Just when she thought she could hold out no longer and was thinking of the best place to go, she heard the sound of his key in the door and knew he was home. Her pleading whines met him as soon as he got inside and closed the door.

"Uh oh" she heard him exclaim as he walked towards the cage "sounds like something's wrong with my puppy." He stood looking down at her as her whimpering increased in both volume and urgency. Looking around her cage, he spied the empty water bowl and laughed to himself. "What's the matter puppygirl" he asked playfully "does my puppy have to go potty?" She tried desperately to relay her need by wagging her tail and staring intently at the locked cage door. She heard him laughing happily, enjoying her discomfort and her antics. "Hmmmmmmm, I guess she does" he chuckled to himself "OK puppy, I'll let you out." He unlocked the door and as he was pulling it open, he grabbed her leash and attached it just as she was emerging. She was confused, he never had leashed her to go to the bathroom before but she turned and began to crawl in a b-line for the bathroom door. He pulled her up sharp when she hit the end of the leash.

"Not that way puppy" he told her "come with me now." Even more confused and bewildered she followed as he led her to the back door and opened it, stepping out into the back yard. It hit her then and she balked, pulling back on the leash and trying to go back in the direction of the bathroom. "PUPPY HEEL!!!!!!!" Her Master had worked with her diligently for several weeks training her to respond immediately to both word commands and hand gestures until she had no will to disobey, she knew this was another test of that training. His words and tone brought her up short, she hated it but she knew she had no choice and turning, followed him into the yard. He walked her over to some bushes and looked down at her "you can go now puppy" was all that he said. This was terrible!! He couldn't expect her to do this, he just couldn't. She looked up at him, thinking to beg him not to make her do this thing but, when she saw him cock that eyebrow at her, she knew she must do it or face disappointing him. Disappointing her Master was never an option for her. Lowering her head, she could feel the heat of her blush burning her face. She leaned back on her haunches and after a couple of moments, emptied herself on the lawn.

"Good puppy" he praised as he patted her head, "heel puppy." He led her back into the house and she dragged along behind him, her tears doing nothing to cool her still hot cheeks. Once in the living room again, he sat in his big comfy chair and she sat at his feet. "Was that so hard for you my puppygirl?" he asked. She leaned her head against his knee, her tears soaking the fabric of his pants. He reached down and lifted her chin, smiling down at her. "I'm very proud of you" he told her gently "I know you almost lost it a time or two but, you got yourself back under control and that pleases me greatly." His words were a balm to her heart and she found herself smiling back thru her tears.

Suddenly, his smile disappeared and an evil glint came into his eyes. "However" he started menacingly "you weren't so controlled all day, were you puppy?" Her mind began racing, trying to think of what she could have done to make him angry but nothing came to her. "Before I came in" he continued "I could've sworn I heard someone talking...was that you puppy?" Her heart stopped and her eyes dropped to the floor. "I heard someone begging for their Master to hurry home" his voice was growing cold and dangerous "your Master is not pleased about this puppy, not pleased at all." "How could she have been so stupid and careless"? she thought as she prostrated herself at his feet, licking his shoes and whining pathetically for forgiveness. "Stand up puppy" was his answer, she knew there would be no forgiveness before her punishment. She stood on shaky legs, still staring at the floor in front of her. He stood as well and pulled her around behind his chair, pushing her over it so that her head was in the seat and her seat was high in the air, her toes barely touching the ground. Lifting her tail and throwing it over her back, he exposed her bottom. The harness fit between her cheeks, holding them apart slightly and leaving them nicely vulnerable. She felt his hands running slowly over her ass and down her thighs, coming back up to check the wetness of the leather covering her pussy.

He walked over to the stand where he kept an assortment of canes. Some of them were beautifully carved of hardwoods and others were of simple rattan. The first were mostly for parties and gatherings, the latter were "disposable" ones, the kind he didn't mind breaking. It was one of the later that he selected now, flashing it thru the air, testing is rigidity. He stood to the side of her and tapped her bottom with a couple of warning blows. They stung slightly but she knew she was in for much worse. "You know my rules puppy?" he questioned her "I've made them clear enough for you?" She shook her head yes, he had and she knew them. "You understand why I have to punish you? Again, a sad shake of her head. "Good then, 20 strokes for talking in puppy mode" he told her " and no... you don't need to count off, puppies can't count." She winced at the number, 20 was a lot. Burying her face into the upholstery and digging her fingers into the arms of the chair, she steeled herself as best she could.

The first blow was still a shock when it came, striking her hard over the backs of her thighs and she let out a yelp of pain. Then another came just above the first and another just above that. After the first 10 he had a nice pattern from the middle of the thighs to the top of her ass. After each, he'd given her a few seconds for the pain to subside before administering the next. For the last 10 he wasn't so kind, bringing the cane down with long powerful strokes again and again over already tender flesh, sending her forward and off balance. Her yelps turned into cries and then into full-throated screams as her tears poured again from already swollen stinging eyes. The final stoke did indeed break the cane, sending shards flying thru the air and nearly toppling her over the chair. He pulled her back into place and put a hand in the small of her back to steady her. He ran his hands over the bright red welts, admiring the lovely design they made. "Lovely my puppy" he said happily, "but not enough I think. No it needs something more."

She barely heard his words over her own weeping, she only knew he wasn't letting her up yet. He left her for a moment and when he returned, she felt the cool round head of his favorite paddle as he ran it over her hot welts. Her anguished cry was met with a chuckle as his hand moved again to her back, holding her in place. He started in one spot, slowly and softly, gradually working up both speed and force until he had her kicking and screaming, then he would move to another spot and start the process again. She knew he was watching carefully as the bruises began to appear and spread across her bottom. He considered himself an artist with her as his canvas and he took great pride in the beauty of the marks he left upon her. He would occasionally rub over the spot he'd just finished, waiting to see how it would work or he would stand back and take in the whole picture, assessing where he needed more color.

Eventually, the heat of her bottom began to merge with the heat of her pussy, the pain becoming exquisite pleasure. Her screaming stopped completely and as her mournful sobs turned into deep, guttural moans her bottom began to rise to meet each stroke of the paddle. Now, it was when he stopped, when he withheld the pain that her cries rang out, reaching up on tiptoes, her ass searching for the instrument of her torture. When the paddle hit again, she shook and groaned in ecstasy. The heat rising from her ass and pussy warmed the very air around them and the scent of her juices filled the room.

"Down slut!" was all he had to say, immediately she was sliding down onto the floor, her ass raised into the air, her legs spread wide. He fumbled with the catch for the dildo and the cover that held it in and then removed them, leaving a wide opening to her pussy. She heard him unzipping and felt him plunge his cock deep into her dripping cunt. He was using his cock as a battering ram, driving in again and again. She could feel the tender flesh of her pussy being bruised and battered by his savage assault. He reached up her back and grabbed two handfuls of her long red hair, using them as his reins, riding her wildly. He pumped deep into her steaming pussy and she could feel the pressure of the plug in her ass rubbing against his cock and the simmering heat of her glowing bottom.

She loved when he took her hard like this; she loved his strength and the passion she knew drove him to use her so forcefully. She was his fucktoy and she reveled in it. She felt his body tense and heard a moan that roared up from his balls as he emptied them into her. He held her there, pulled back onto his cock by the hair for long moments as he shot stream after stream of his seed deep inside of her. When he finally released her, she fell forward onto the carpet, completely spent and drained. After only a second, she came to her senses and realized he was waiting. She dragged herself up and turned towards him, her mouth automatically reaching for his cock, engulfing it. The flavor of their mingled juices with the last few drops of his nectar were the sweetest things she knew of and she lovingly licked and sucked him clean.

He finally pulled her off and got back up into his chair, allowing her to sit between his legs with her head on his lap. She pulled his cock back into her mouth and softly suckled as he lit his pipe and relaxed. Looking up into his face, she saw the smile that she loved more than anything in the world and knew that her Master was pleased with her again. As he smoked in silence, she drifted off to sleep with her Master's cock still in her mouth, thoroughly contented and at peace.

The End

2008-11-25T16:06:00.000Z

Mr X and I are over for good. The End.

Blast from the Past

2008-11-17T23:02:00.005Z

Last Sunday completely out of the blue an old "friend" got in contact. I haven't heard from Jay in over a year and a half, actually nearly 2 yrs now and I never thought I would ever hear from him again. I was very pleased i did. The last time I was physically with him was during when he was over here for the Ryder Cup. He hasn't changed a bit. I would never consider a serious relationship with him, he's far too much of a cruel, cold sexual deviant for me but for a short period of time he's great. He has such a wicked mind and absolutely pushes me to my limit, that's my fear, that perhaps he may take it too far. I'm always quite cautious around him.

In so many ways he's similar to Mr X, he's an older version. Both upper class English (i melt in the presence of a posh English accent), both ambitious, successful business men, Jay is based in Athens, both married, both with 2 children, both 1 girl, 1 boy - the girl being 4 yrs older than the boy. Jay's 45, Mr X is 39.

I haven't heard from Mr X in about a week and a half. I haven't tried to contact him but neither has he tried to contact me. Nothing happened he's just drifted off again. These are the cold periods where he just ceases contact for no reason, no explanation and like a fool i find myself wondering if he's ok, if somethings maybe happened to him, maybe an accident or something and he comes back and tells me he's been on holidays or something. I know he's in no ways accountable to me but it would be nice if he even sent a text to say "listen, I'm going to be away for the next 2 weeks on holidays"..... Not a big deal!

I have a keen interest in astrology. Not the star signs in the papers but i do believe certain people display traits of their star sign. I was reading a book about the traits of the different different star signs. Mr X is Pisces, supposedly they're pathological liars, incapable of making a decision, preferring to head to the nearest bar to drown their sorrows. Live in a fantasy world most of the time and....

" The male fish is the emotional black hole of the Universe. Toss your heart, soul and car keys and all will disappear forever. This guy learned at an appalling young age how to weasel his way out of work and charm his way into bed. He's definitely sensual, sexy, cute, in a debauched sort of way. Don't let the facade fool you. At home he may be a quiet little fish swimming around and around the beer bottle, but romantically he is the great white shark of the zodiac. A Scorpio man will hurt because he has a morbid fear of rejection. Your Pisces guy will do it just to keep his teeth sharpened. He is a natural born liar."

Born on a rotten day - Hazel Dixon-Cooper
Sounds pretty accurate to me!!

Porn i like...

2008-11-02T22:39:00.002Z

This particular clip i love. I love that it's in black and white, I think the girl in it is beautiful, its real and gritty.

He said he loves me...

2008-10-27T18:16:00.007Z

Mr X's family were away for a few days. He made the most of being on his own, went out with friends, drank, got high on coke and reverted back to his college days. I knew he drank, he drinks quite a bit from what i gather. I'm just putting two and two together here. I was surprised he did drugs. He rang me on Friday night, it was after midnight and i was asleep. I answer the phone to this blaring down the phone:

He was drunk and high, i was treated to this and other 90's hits such as Robert Miles Children.. I haven't heard these songs in nearly 10 yrs but they brought back great memories for me and also for him. He was reminiscing on when he was in university, on how life was simpler back then. I loved listening to him, his stories and learning more about him. We talked about life then and life now. there was a little sadness in his voice i think.

He loves being a father, i know he loves his kids. He tells me all the time, he doesn't talk about his wife. This may be not to hurt my feelings, or that its none of my business. I'd like to know how he feels about his wife, does he love her? Is she prettier than me? Does he feel guilt trying to hook up with me? We talked for over 4 hours on Friday night. We talked about everything and nothing, he opened up to me like he has never done before. In the year and a half I've known him I've only gotten drips of information about his life. I know this is down to the drink and drugs but its still nice. He knows all about mine, my past, my present and hopes for the future.

It worried me the amount of coke he did when we chatted. For one hour I counted that he snorted 7 lines. I have no idea exactly how much coke that would be but i think its too much. He told me he hasn't done coke in over 6 years and this week was a once off thing. After about 3 hours our conversation turned a little sexier, i was incredibly turned on, he has this effect on me and i came twice. It was during this last hour he told me he loved me. He said it at least 3 times. In the year and a half I've know him he has never said something like that before. He has complimented me, told me that he finds me sexy, intelligent, that he cares for me. It was bittersweet, i know he was high and it was the drugs talking.

In saying that something has changed with us since that night, it feels like we've gotten a lot closer. I didn't think i'd hear from him again over the weekend and was pleasantly surprised Saturday morning he rang me again just to chat, we text all day, he rang me in the afternoon when i got home from work and again that night (this is not normal behaviour for him, even when his family are away). His family flew back on Sunday and that was the end of our late night chats. I could talk to him for hours. He's funny, intelligent, witty, we get each other. There's chemistry there. I should be on a high but i know deep down this is superficial. Its not real. Reality is that he has a family and that the best i can hope for is to spend one night with this man who i really think i love. I've never been in love so I'm not an expert and can't say but my symptoms are:

- i think about him on average every 3 secs
- i can't eat (good thing)
- i want to be close to him
- i want to talk to him as much as i can
- to smell him
- to taste him.

I want all of that but I'm still not giving in. He's putting so much pressure on me to meet now. I absolutely want to but i can't. I can't because i couldn't bare it if i were a disappointment to him. I'd rather he'd long for some fantasy version of me than discover the real me. Even if he walks away now, having never met me he'll always have fond memories as appose to a quashed dream.

I'm not stringing him along, i do intend to meet him when i feel I'm physically perfect enough to do so. I want my body to be in top shape, my hair, nails, tan all perfect. When he sees me for the first time i want to be even better than the fantasy he has. I want him to drool, i want him to want me so bad he can barely contain himself at the bar where we meet for a drink. I want him to lust after me... i want him to fall in love with me....

I have to stop thinking like that, its selfish and naive.

its all about Him ! ! !

2008-10-23T21:54:00.004+01:00

''one man's mood can break another man's soul'' . . . . . . . He makes me so angry sometimes, He's so inconsiderate, so selfish, so narcissistic, so egotistical, so thoughtless . . . . He infuriates me, i want to throw a tantrum, drop down on the ground, flailing my arms and legs, the works, stomping, screaming, crying for attention. It would do no good, it would make no difference. He drives me mad! I hate Him . . . . . . . I love Him x

Say it...... then spray it...

2008-10-23T02:11:00.005+01:00

It's only been 3 days but it already feels like a month. i miss Him. i have to consciously stop myself thinking about him and what he's doing, torturing myself.

I came accross these phrases somewhere. I've highlighted the ones i especially like. The very words coming out of his mouth will have me squirming to be used.

Hot Phrases

* Let it go.
* Let it all go.
* I love controlling you like this.
* Do you like being used, slut?
* Shut up or I’ll gag you.
* Quit whining. It won’t do you any good.
* Don’t move.
* Awww….does that hurt? Good. It’s supposed to.
* Suffer for me.
* I love it when you suffer for me.
* You’re so sexy when you’re suffering.
* Take it for me.
* Good girl!
* That’s my girl!
* That’s it slut. Take my cock; take all of it.
* Keep your eyes closed and don’t open them until I tell you.
* Keep your eyes open and look at me.
* Look at my cock. Don’t you dare look away from my cock!
* Keep your mouth open.
* Beg me to spit in your mouth.
* You want to taste my cock? Beg me.
* Beg me to use you.
* When you come, I’m going to hurt you.
* Admit you want the pain.
* Earn the pain.
* You’re going to come, aren’t you, (name or pet name)?
* You’re going to come with (insert circumstances, i.e. ‘my cock in your ass,’ ‘all these clamps on your pussy’ ‘my spit on your face.’)
* Look at you…this is how you were made to be, slut…(insert specifics as to how I’m positioned, i.e. upside down having my mouth fucked like a pussy, ass plugged, welts on my thighs, crawling on all fours.)
* I want you to let it all out.
* Fuck me back. Let everything go!
* Get your hands off me!
* I’ll tell you when to touch me!
* Did I give you permission to (insert unpermitted act i.e. ’stop squeezing my cock’)?
* You’re gorgeous when you submit.
* You’re in your element now, aren’t you?
* Beg me to shove my fat cock in your ass.
* Beg me to shove my fat cock down your throat.
* Don’t you dare hold back!
* Open your mind to me.
* Open your heart to me. Open your soul to me.
* I’m going to (insert act: pinch your nipples, strap your pussy, hit you with the wooden spoon, cane you, fuck your ass) until you scream for mercy!
* There will be no mercy.
* You’re mine to play with.
* You’re mine to torment as I choose.
* You look beautiful all tied up like that.
* What a gorgeous little asshole.
* What a pretty little pussy.
* I think it would be even prettier with (whatever object) on it (or in it).
* My my, what a wet little cunt you have.
* This is mine. (Said while squeezing, pinching, or otherwise tormenting a body part).
* Who do you belong to?
* Do what I tell you, bitch (or slut, or cunt, or whore…)!
* You’re so beautiful when you’re coming.
* It pleases me when my little slave comes.
* Thank me for using you.
* Kiss it (”it” being a torture implement, the tip of Master’s cock, etc.)
* You can only take the head in your mouth…no more!
* Don’t you dare let go of that cock! If you let go, there’ll be no coming for you today! (rule strictly enforced)
* Who is in control?
* Who owns you?
* Who owns this (pussy, ass, mouth, etc…)?
* No complaints! I don’t want to hear it — this isn’t about you, bitch!!

Fuck Toy

2008-10-18T21:58:00.005+01:00

Quick update on how my life changes are progressing:

-I started the course, coming into the 4th week and love it so far.

-Still working both jobs but with current economic crisis not really sure what to do. I'm better off than a lot who have lost their jobs. At least if I lose one I still have the other to fall back on.

-Because I still have both jobs I haven't been able to exercise as much as I'd like.

-Debt should be fully sorted by the end of this month, which means I will only have 1 bill to worry about.

-My sex drive is back and so is Mr X for now.

Like many sluts/whores/submissives i love the idea of being a fuck toy for my Master. An object which He owns, His property to use for His pleasure and discard when done with. I was chatting with Mr X in a little more detail this week about the expectations He has for His fuck toy.

His ownership style is that He likes to give short, if possible one word commands that as His trained bitch I should know exactly how He wishes to be pleased. e.g sit, stay, cum, faster, kneel, heel...etc I'm not sure if I'll be able to explain this properly but He wants a toy that is basically that, a toy! That He switches "on" lets take the example of a vibrator. It has settings, speeds that go from 1 - 5. It starts off at speed 1 and pressing a button increases the speed bringing it up to the next level and when ready the next and next... With a vibrator not only can you increase speed but also pulsation and pressure on the clit - all in all adding to the experience making it the best selling sex toy ever!

My Master wants me to be His equivalent of a vibrator. He can literally sit/lie back and allow His toy do all the work pleasuring her Master. He doesn't even have to utter a word should He choose not to. Simple my pressing a button e.g twisting my left nipples...hard... i know that i am to increase my speed and e.g twisting my right nipple would maybe be a signal to use my tongue more, deep throat Him.. the possibilities are endless....

What I do know is that I've cum 3 times today just imagining being just that - His Fuck Toy!

On Strike!

2008-10-04T12:46:00.003+01:00

I'm starting to get worried about myself. In the last 3 months i can count on 2 hands how often i've cum. Thats less than ten times in 3 months. I have at times in the past experience times of 'drought' but those spells would only last 2 wks at most. I have no sex drive, i'm finding it hard to get turned on. I've tried porn, images, stories but they are having very little effect at the moment. I'm putting this lack of desire down to 2 things, being tired and basically not having to time to unwind and get relaxed enough to allow myself to get turned on or that my cunt misses Mr X. Its on strike at the moment, a deal will have to be made soon as the rest of me is suffering under this current 'dispute'. I'm going to try and get some time off next week to relax and see if that helps. If it doesn't i have only 1 option left. He has made remarks in the past about owning my cunt which i laughed off - maybe he really does i just didn't know it!

Changes

2008-09-28T21:33:00.002+01:00

Since my holiday I have made a lot of effort to change my situation. The time away cleared my mind, I am focused now on what I really want and I hope the changes I am making will have the desired effect. So far...

.... I have laid the groundwork to leave my main job and go full time in my 2nd job. For a while I wasn't sure if I would be offered a full time position but I did let them know I wasn't happy in my main job and was planning on leaving. I got offered a better package than I could have hoped for and am delighted. I'm afraid to let myself get too excited in case it all falls through. The thought of being stuck in my main job any longer than I have to depresses me so fingers crossed all goes to plan and by Xmas I will only have 1 job and some spare time for myself. I told myself I wasn't going to tell anyone in case it didn't work out, but I can't help myself. After I tell someone else new I'm kicking myself, I should really shut my mouth until contracts have been signed. At my main job now when my boss pisses me off it takes all my strength to bite my tongue and not tell her to shove her job....

.... I've started a part time course. I hope to move into this career choice eventually. It will take about 4 yrs of studying to finish but if I enjoy it I'll stick with it....

.... I'm sorting out my debt. Its something I've been pushing to the back of my mind for about 2 years and its only getting worse. I've had a chat to a financial advisor, I'm consolidating my credit card, over draft and loan in one and paying it all off as 1 bill. It's such a relief just to have that sorted. I probably now should get rid of my credit card, maybe hiding it under the bed will work....

.... I'm getting rid of all bad habits (or at least trying to) I'm starting to eat healthier, try to fit in some exercise although at the moment with 2 jobs its not easy but when I'm only down to 1 I have no excuse....

.... and speaking of bad habits - Mr. X is gone. Enough is enough, he's married and, well, a selfish prick that I can do without....

I hate change, it scares me, it unsettles me. I like routine, I like to know what's going to happen but sometimes things need to change and evolve if we are to live up to our true potential and not live forever wondering..... what if???

Heroes and Ghosts

2008-09-21T21:03:00.004+01:00

I've been away for the best part of the last 2 months. It was an amazing holiday and at the moment I'm finding it hard to get back into normal mundane life again but unfortunately credit cards have to be paid off so no time for slacking.

My time away has given me a lot of time to think - What is it I want from life? I'm not happy the way my life is going at the moment. I need to change everything, my job (or at least give up one of them), my priorities, the way I take care of myself. Its a really scary thought but its something I really want to do if I can. It scares me so much the very thought of giving up 1 of my jobs. Will I be able to survive on 1 wage? Am i willing to give up some of my luxury and frivolous spending? I do waste a lot of money on nothing really, rubbish. I've been stuck in a rut for a while now and I need to break out of it, I'm ready now....i think.

This song is very beautiful. This particular version is in Irish and has a very poignant film reel of some of Ireland's past and hopefully a time that will stay in the past. The english version is also available on "youtube"

The Pet

2008-08-12T23:40:00.002+01:00

I want to see this movie! Basic idea is there's a troubled American girl who meets a rich French guy. They date, he suggests she becomes his submissive, well more than that, she will be his pet. She agrees and falls in love with her Master - then it gets a bit weird from what I seen from the trailer (not this one) but the french guy has a bit of a collection of "pets" and one night he goes on a slave auction website to find out the value of his property. Just out of curiosity. Some bad guys (Russians probably - they always are) steal his collection to sell on the black market and I'm guessing the rest of the movie is Master and pet fight to be reunited.

Mr X is back

I ignored his calls, texts and e mails for as long as I could but I wasn't strong enough to resist any longer. I know I'm a glutton for punishment and I'll probably regret allowing him back in a few weeks. In saying that he has changed. He said he's accepted that I'll only meet in my own time and before he had a hard time dealing with that as he felt we weren't going anywhere but now he said he'd rather have me in his life just as we are now than not at all. I think he missed me. I still don't think I'm ready to meet him, not because he's married, not becasue I don't trust him, i do. If there is anyone I want to go down this submissive path with, its him. I trust him. He's stuck around for about a year and a half now - am I being niave thinking that maybe I might mean something more to him than "just another slut"?

What we have chatted about is me being his sumissive, his puppy, his pet. That's why I think I would really like to see this movie. In reality would it be what I imagine. Will I be able to submit to him? How will I feel having to wear a collar, being lead on all 4's by a leash? eat and drink from a dog bowl, Having to sit at someones feet, having to put his needs, his wants before mine? Giving up control scares me and excites me in equal parts. Having these doubts, will this mean I will be a shit submissive, a complete disappointment to him? I have body issues (i hate my body) am i going to be comfortable enough in my own skin to display myself so fully to him? No clothes, No sheets to cover up with, thats all part of the deal, thats what he's bought into and the conditions I have accepted. These are just some of the bricks that make up the wall that is blocking me from taking that next step.

Cunt

2008-08-09T22:49:00.008+01:00

Re-Posted :This is one of my favourite stories and it gets me off everytime. I had forgotten about it until today and it still has the same effect today as when I first read it.

Cunt

He calls me cunt because that's all I am to him. A cunt for him to do as he pleases with. I have no name, I have no face, I have no purpose but to serve him.

"Cunt!" he yells through the house. "Get your slutty little twat over here."

I scuttle into the kitchen where he stands, looking at me with disapproval. "What the hell is this?" he demands. I look around but am uncertain to what the problem is. Everything looks to be in place.

He grabs my hair and yanks my head downward. "This," he tells me, showing me the scuff marks on the floor. "Get down there and clean this shit up." Then he throws me to the ground, smushes me to the ground with his booted foot, and throws a wet rag on top of my naked body.

I don't wear clothes around the house, I'm not allowed. I am a cunt and that's all I am- so why would I cover that up? Why would I be modest? I do as my master tells me to and parade my shaved cunt around wherever I go. He tells me several times a day that it's the only piece of me worth a dime. And even then, it's worth just about that.

I wash the floor on my hands and knees, my blond hair dragging in the mud while my master looks on amused. It gives him pleasure to see me in pain or humiliated. I keep my body close to the floor, knowing that if I lift it too much, I will be punished. Sure enough, I am too high off the ground and his boot comes down on me once again. "I want your tits to drag bitch." I lower myself both physically and with humility. I am his cunt. I must do as he commands.

"Who's little cunt are you?" he demands, as if reading my thoughts.

"Yours Sir," I answer promptly and with, I hope, the proper amount of humility.
"Your little cunt sir. To do with as you please."

The small kitchen floor is clean now and he orders me to roll over on my back. Then he takes the rag that I have been cleaning with and wrings it out over my body. The dirty cold water trickles over my belly and back onto the floor.

"What will my little cunt do for me?"

"Anything that you ask, Sir."

"Lick up that water from the floor," he directs.

I reach my tongue out, quivering. I don't want to do it, but I know I must. Just as the tip of my tongue touches the dirty brown puddle, he shoves me again with his booted foot and I sail across the floor and land unceremoniously in a heap.

"That's enough," he orders. Although his tone is still sharp, I know I have pleased him by my willingness to obey him unquestioningly, "Now, mop it up with your hair. Keep your body low. Your tits to the floor," he reminds me.

As I use my shiny blond hair to sop up the muddy floor, I can't help but cry. I know this was meant to be better than being forced to lick the dirty floor clean with my tongue. Certainly, it is better. But I feel so humiliated, dragging my body over the floor and using my hair as a rag. Fat tears run down my face. I know I am not allowed to wipe them away without his permission so I continue the job he has assigned me.

"Aww. Is the little cunt crying?" he asks in mock sympathy. His voice is full of scorn and contempt. "I love a nice wet cunt. You know I do. Cry for me cunt. I want you dripping wet when I fuck you.

"I try to cry silently, not giving him the satisfaction of my sobs and I am mainly successful. I finish the job and lay there on the ground dirty and humiliated, waiting for his instruction.

They come in a very physical way as he grabs my hair and pulls me up to my knees. A shiver goes through my body as I wonder what further abuse awaits me. Knowing my place, I keep my eyes low, focused on the floor at his feet. I hear rather than see him unzip, and then he reaches down and grabs my chin, pulling my face up toward him. He grasps his cock, hard and proud in his hand and wipes it forcefully over the tears on my face. I feel his organ twitch and grow still harder as he does so. "Oh yes," he says, "This cunt is going to be nice and wet when I fuck it."

Now he lets go of my chin and takes a hold of me by the sides of my head with a fistful of hair in each hand. "Open up cunt. I'm going to fuck you now." My mouth opens for his use and he inserts his throbbing cock past my lips. I have no time to lick or tease his cock-head as he immediately begins fucking my face, even as the tears continue to fall. I nearly gag, but he has trained me to take it deep into my throat and I do my best to relax and accept it."

It's a filthy little cunt," he comments "but at least it's nice and wet." It is me that he refers to as 'it' as I am nothing but a thing to him, a cunt to use as he pleases. I am here for his pleasure and my own is incidental. Nothing more than a testament to his own prowess.

"That's it cunt," he tells me. "Every part of you is a cunt for me. Even your mouth is just another cunt for me to fuck. You're worthless as anything other than a cum rag, and you know it." My body is on fire as the sting of his words burns through me. An uncomfortable arousal is growing within me. I need this to feel free, to allow myself the pleasures that lay ahead if I please him. I need this, but it hurts just the same. I don't want to need it but I do. As the tears flow down my face, I can only hope that his words will become even more hurtful and humiliating. I need to take this abuse as much as he needs to give it. My nipples twist up almost painfully, as if to prove that there is pleasure in my pain.

"Choke on it bitch!" he screams as he rams his cock deeper into my throat. "Your pain is my pleasure. Choke on my thick cock." He rams it deep now, yanking my head in toward his stomach. The force is greater than I can bare now and I succumb, choking and sputtering on his forceful tool. He pulls out of me, pleased that he has overwhelmed me, knowing that I can endure no more.

"Does the little cunt want a proper fucking?" he asks disdainfully.

"Yes Sir," I answer, barely above a whisper.

"Then get down on all fours and bark little bitch.

"I can do nothing but obey. My knees hurt from all the time I've spent serving him on this hard tile, following every direction given as quickly as my body can move. My barking is sharp and high and comes out even sharper as he slaps my ass forcefully with the flat of his hand. "Oh yes, a cunt has to be nice and red," he tells me as he spanks me again and again. My barking does not cease. I tremble to think what punishment would befall me if it did. Now that he has assigned me the roll of a dog, my punishment would surely follow suit.

"Dirty. Filthy. Bitch." Each word is accompanied by it's own harsh slap. It is difficult to tell which hurts more or which gives me greater pleasure. "Nasty. Twat. Cheap. Whore. Low. Disgusting. Worthless. Trash." The insides of my thighs were damp and he knew it. Instead of slapping my burning backside again, he pushed a finger past my ass-cheeks into my wet quim Slowly and tortuously he teased my hungry lips with small circular motions designed to make my arousal progress. Sure enough, I could soon feel my liquids dripping down the inside of my legs.

"Your twat is wet, cunt," he tells me. "Dripping in fact. I can smell your skanky twat juices whore. I know you like being treated like a filthy rag. Why don't you tell me how much you like it."

"Yes Sir," I answer with a shiver. "I love it when you treat me like a filthy cum rag and use me for your pleasure. I love it when you humiliate me and make me cry. I'm just a worthless cunt. I don't deserve to be fucked by your magnificent cock. I don't even deserve to be allowed to serve you. Thank you for letting a worthless cunt like me serve you and be your soiled cunt rag.

"The words send further shivers through my body. I have not made them up on the spot. Presently I can't think. There is no way I could have formed the thoughts to answer him properly. A week ago he gave them to me, neatly typed on an index card and ordered me to remember them. They are the only acceptable answer to his question. If I am off by even one word, the punishment will be severe. Every week or so, he writes me out a new response to memorize and part of my job of serving him is to learn it immediately and flawlessly. He accepts no error, no mistake in my service. Only total compliance.

"You're right cunt. You don't deserve it. But what you really are is a piece of shit whore, aren't you?"

"Yes Sir."

"Say it cunt."

I can barely choke out the words. "I'm a piece of shit whore Sir."

"Why cunt? Tell me why?"

This is the hardest part. He always seems to put me through it. I take a ragged breath and begin. "Because when you found me, I was so desperate, I was willing to do anything."

"You're still desperate aren't you cunt?"

"Yes Sir."

"Only now what are you desperate for?"

"You're cock Sir. Please. I've got to have it."

"Oh dear, my slutty little cunt. You need to do better than that. I've heard you beg. I know you can do better."

"Master please," I start to beg. "I have to have your hard cock stuffed up my wet twat, Sir." I am not allowed to call it a pussy because that sounds too nice and I'm not allowed to call it a cunt because that is all of me. A cunt may not have a cunt and a cunt may not have a pussy. A cunt may only have a twat. "Please Sir, I'd do anything to have that magnificent cock crammed up inside my horny wet twat. I need it Sir, I'm a horny slutty little cunt. Please let me have it. My slutty little twat is dripping soaking wet. I'm begging you. Use my twat as your fuck toy and then use the rest of me as your cum rag. Please master, Please."

Real tears of longing and frustration came into my eyes. My body was in such a high state of arousal the thought of not being fucked, the idea that he might leave me there on the cold tile to suffer was beginning to be physically painful. I was willing to suffer any torture to be fucked by him and fucked hard and he knew it. I had done it many times. I had submitted the most unimaginable humiliations and pains just to be allowed to reach my tongue out to touch the tip of his cock.:

"Please fuck your property, Sir. Your little cunt is a nasty little nymphomaniac. My only pleasure comes from your cock and from serving you."

At last, I had found the right words. I was rewarded by him grabbing a handful of my hair and yanking my head forcefully. "Will you swallow my load cunt? Will you like up all my jiz when I empty my balls all over your face? Will you clean your juices off my cock after I've fucked your twat and made you cum on my dick?"

"Yes Master, please," Not only would I, I couldn't wait for him to shoot his wad across my lips and chin and neck. He never comes inside me, but always on me. It's one of my favorite parts and gets me horny all over again until he's ready to fuck me some more. He keeps me in a constant state of arousal so that I'm ready to be fucked and willing to do anything at a moments notice.

I could barely stand the wait by the time he plunged his monster thick cock into my crevice. I could feel him spreading my hunger lips as he entered me, all the time keeping a firm grip on my hair. His strokes where long and measured but hard, firm. He slammed into me each time, causing his balls to slap into me from behind. The pressure on my knees made it difficult to stay up, but my hungry pussy demanded that they not give out. The pain in my ass burned out of control. My head hurt from constantly being yanked around. Yet I craved more pain. "Pull harder!" I begged him as he gave my hair a good yank.

His thrusting sped up now, and I knew he'd be cumming soon. The thought of his salty spounge on my face made me lick my lips hungrily. "Feed me your hot cum," I begged him. "Let your little cunt swallow it all down like a hot meal.

"He grunted and gave me one last thrust as my twat contracted and juices flowed from it. "Come for me cunt bitch," he commanded needlessly. He pulled out of my sopping wet gash and yanked me around to face him. His cumm shot out in hot jets over my lips and my open mouth. He could have got it all into my mouth, but her preferred to cover my face with the sticky goo. When he finished, and his balls were emptied across my cheeks he shoved his cock at me for cleaning. I sucked all of my juices off him until he pulled out of my mouth and ordered me to clean myself off. Now I scooped the cum up from the sides of my face and into my mouth and swallowed it noisily.

I wanted to lay there decadently enjoying my own sluttiness, but he had other plans for me. "You've used up your purpose here cunt. Now go to your cage till I want you again." I crawled to my room, a barren square with a large metal cage and let myself in. My master came in to chain my arms and legs to the bars so that my legs were spread but I could not touch myself. The only other thing in the room was a TV and that was turned on to some porn. Here I would wait in sweet agony until my services were needed again.

Masterbation

2008-08-06T01:17:00.003+01:00

For the last few days I've had this terrible anxious feeling. Its a tightness in my chest and i can't quite breathe right. The air just doesn't seem to go all the way down to the bottom of my lungs, no matter how hard i try to breathe deeply. I hate this feeling because I'm on edge expecting something bad to happen and i hate to admit this but it usual does.

One of my ways of de-stressing is masturbation. Masturbation has been something i have done since i was very young. I remember lying in bed at night making myself cum and I couldn't have been any older than 5 or 6. It would be many years before I realised what I was actually doing and that it had a name. I never gave it much thought, even up to my 20's. Its something I've always done, it is a part of my life and I can't remember ever not doing it. I find it very hard to sleep at night if I don't cum. I never talked about masturbation with anyone, I knew it wasn't really something i should be doing. I've never hid the fact I masturbate from my sexual partners.

My ex who i was with and lived with for 3 yrs asked once when I started. I told him I was very young, about 5 or 6. He was a bit shocked and said "you know that's not normal??" I got a bit defensive and brushed his comment aside. What right had he to tell me what was or was not normal behaviour? He wouldn't drop the subject - he said more than likely I was molested when I was younger because children that young don't know about their sexual organs. I completely dismissed this theory and didn't give it much more thought. Years later and i started to see a psychotherapist - turns out he was right, i was molested but I'd blocked it out. The brains a funny thing really, how it can block out something like that, so much so that i had no recollection of the incidents until many many years later.

I'm very grateful that I do masturbate, i know many women don't. I feel doing so has so many benefits. It helps me sleep, it helps me wake up, it warms me up on cold winter nights, it de-stresses me (which i think for me replaces the need to drink or take drugs to get that high), it eases any aches or pains i may have, its hugely pleasurable, its free, it keeps me young looking (scientific fact)... the benefits go on and on and i personally think there should be a campaign to get women to masturbate more. By exploring your body you know what turns you on, what gets you off and that can only be good when with your partner.

Friends...gone but not forgotten.

2008-08-01T21:36:00.004+01:00

Tonight I'm feeling very alone. This is why i try to stay so busy, this is why i have 2 jobs - so that i don't experience this horrible feeling of emptiness inside. Most of the time I'm happy enough with my life but every so often i stop, and then get time to reflect fully on what exactly I'm doing with my life.

Yes i have a job and I'm not worried about money, yes i have a roof over my head and the fact I'm renting I'm glad about considering current threatened recession. Yes i have friends but not the real soul mate tell anything to kind and i have no one special in my life.

One of the greatest sadness's and regrets in my life is the loss of 2 of the most special friends I've ever had. Its been over 6 yrs now since we fell out and my heart still breaks on nights like tonight when i think of them both. I never felt like i belonged or was accepted more than i did when i was with them. We were friends for 10 yrs, we went to school together and moved in together when we went to college. We shared various grotty holes (rented as flats) for a further 5 yrs and I've never had such a fantastic times in my life as i did when i was friends with them. The most menial chores like going to the laundrette or down to the shop was fun. I look back on that time and all i can remember is laughing.. i know it wasn't always like that and we tend to remember the good times but honestly 90% of those times were fantastic. I've gone over and over in my head so many times where out friendship broke down. I can't pinpoint anything in particular that happened but over the space of a year we drifted apart. Getting real jobs and working different schedules didn't help but it was more than that. I was changing, i didn't think i was changing as a friend to them, i didn't think overall i acted any differently but when we did go out and i let loose the slut within - this caused friction.

I resented the fact that i was given the silent treatment after a night out if i brought a guy home. They didn't do that as much as me but it didn't meant they didn't do it at all. Did i treat them in the same way after a night that they may have brought a guy home - no. It didn't make them any worse of a friend just like i believe it didn't make me any worse of a friend either. Over time i was given the cold shoulder and frozen out. I worked different ours and more and more i didn't go out with them anymore.

Eventually things got so bad we stopped talking altogether. I knew things were truly over when my birthday came around and we didn't celebrate together as we always always had. I moved out and that was the end. I look back now and wonder if i would have changed anything. Would i not get off with those guys on all those nights out. To be honest, i would still do the same again. It was part of my sexual awakening. I needed to experiment, to get it out of my system. My only wish is that they would have accepted me as i was and not judge me for what i did on a night out once a week.

After all this time I'm still not over it. I still cry on nights like tonight for the years of great friendship I've lost. Don't get me wrong i have a wide circle of friends now but none, well none quite make it to the gold circle. As friends go they truly were my soul mates. I miss them.

Saturday night in

2008-07-20T20:17:00.000+01:00

Last night I had a quiet night in. I was wreaked after work and wasn't in the mood to get ready to face crowded bars and taxi queues. I invited Malcolm* (reunited friend from last week) over to watch a dvd... All day yesterday at work I was feeling horny. I get like this sometimes when all I can think of is sex, being fucked, sucking, licking... At work I didn't want to be disturbed from my thoughts, i wanted to go into a secluded corner, room, closet, somewhere no one would find me and just be with my thoughts. My thoughts varied from being a slut whore serving my Master to having a slut whore serve me. Both appeal.

Obviously Malcolm knows nothing of this side of me (no one in my real life at the moment does) the slut, whore, fuck toy wannabe side. We're about to watch the dvd and i can't sit still. Ever get that restless leg thing during long journeys, i had the equivalent of that but it was my cunt that was tingling. I knew i wouldn't be able to sit still and relax to watch the movie if i didn't pay it some attention. What I wanted to do was ask him to touch me, to finger fuck me slowly to start.. I couldn't bring myself to ask him - how could I, what on earth would he think? So i asked him to pause it a few minutes and that I just remembered I had a to call someone and I'll be back in a minute. So i ran upstairs, serviced myself and was back down within about 10 mins, a bit red and flushed, yes but I'd had my fix and was feeling content for now.

During the movie i was getting constant thoughts, no, more longings of wanting to be on my knees between his thighs and for want of a better word - worshipping his cock. Kissing, sucking, licking, holding it in my mouth, i wanted to feel his balls in my mouth, to feel it go hard, hitting the back of my throat as he relaxed back on the sofa watching the movie. I wasn't interested in what we were watching, i just wanted to be used by him.

We did eventually have sex, in my bed... yawn... it was nice sex...

I did wake up in the middle of the night fingering myself. I tend to do this from time to time during these phases. I had to try and be quiet in case i woke him next to me. I think the reason I'm so horny at the moment might have something to do with the full moon. I can't think of any other reason.

2008-07-17T01:27:00.000+01:00

Jump Start

2008-07-17T00:41:00.000+01:00

Its 2 weeks today since Mr X left my life. After a (brief) mourning period and a week or so of no libido i went "on the lash" for the weekend and oh my God it was just what i needed. Due to work commitments it has been a few weeks since i truly let my hair down and literally couldn't give a fuck about anything. I went out for the sole purpose of have a great time which is exactly what i did.

Saturday night in a bar in town i met a guy i haven't seen in years. I was "seeing him" for a brief period. It was so great to see him again. Even after almost 6 years he hadn't changed much. We flirted with each other so easily, i felt so comfortable in his company. When his hand run up down back resting on my arse cheek it felt great, i could feel the electricity run down my spine and my cunt start to twitch. I knew within 10 Min's i was going to sleep with him that night. Before i knew it we had isolated ourselves in a corner, we were in our own little world completely oblivious to what was happening around us. It was quite intense.

He asked why i never called or answered his texts all those years ago. He reminded me how i had ended it with him. I was such a bitch, i just dropped him. No explanation, nothing i just ignored him. We were young i was like a kid in a sweet shop and just couldn't settle for 1 boy when there was so many more out there. I wanted to try them all, the boy with the stud in his tongue that worked in the off licence, the boy with the bleached blond hair that looked like Eminem, They boy in the corner shop that had that cute dimple, the bouncer in the pub who had that gorgeous Italian look... i wanted them all but how could i possibly make time for them if i had a boyfriend as well. In those days most men had an expiry date of 3 nights out at most. It was then time for a new flavour sweet.

We went back to mine and i have to admit he had improved with age. I don't remember the sex before being particularly memorable but he definitely rocked my world Saturday night. On our way home i pulled him into a small park close to where i live. He pushed me up against the tree and lifted my skirt, his hands rough against my skin.. my inner thighs moist from our night of flirting, the anticipation of what i knew was to come. Pulling my thong to one side, the bite of the cold night air causing me to gush. His fingers teasing my clit as we kissed deeply... I felt so completely un-inhibited and free.

Before this weekend i was like a dead car battery and he was my jump leads. He kick started me up again and since that night i have been so fucking horny, i even rang him last night after work to meet me at my place and be there when i got home. Today before i went to work i came twice within an hour using my trusted rabbit vibe (this is unheard of for me as its a very powerful vibe and it usually takes a day or 2 to recover) I think i may have over done things a little though. I'm feeling very tender down there at the moment and i swear i think i was walkin a bit funny at work this evening.

Tim (not-so) nice but Dim..

2008-07-13T20:40:00.000+01:00

I think things a finally over between Mr X and me. It happened quite abruptly, like pulling a band aid off a wound - it stung for a little while but it was probably the best way to end. He finished it.

As I've said i met him online. We've chatted online and phone for over a year now but I've never had the courage to go that one step further and actually meet. He has in the past put a LOT of pressure on me to meet but i could never bring myself to. When we first started chatting he would ring and text me from his work mobile. I was always respectful that it was his work mobile. I would never ring him and would never text at the weekend or out of office hours unless it was to rely to him. I understood he was married and i most definitely was not going to have it on my conscience that i made life difficult for him or risk his wife finding out. Besides at the beginning i just seen it as harmless fun, we flirted and he completely got what turned me on.

During the first couple of months that we chatted his wife and kids went to stay in their holiday home in Germany. During this time when he was alone he would ring often at night staying on for hours chatting - always on his work mobile. After about 2 months his boss/father queried the huge telephone bill and this Irish mobile number. I got a call one day from a UK number i didn't recognise and it was his boss/father asking who i was. I didn't tell him but to cut a long story short from that call i now knew where he worked. It made no difference, its not like i was going to land up at his doorstep. I never told him i knew where he worked - until last week.

I mentioned it to him and i think it freaked him out. Ok I must admit i would be freaked out too if he knew where i worked but that's because i know there is a very high possibility of him turning up where as i would never dream of going to his place of work. I was insulted that after a year he didn't trust me. What did he think i was going to do with this information? A number of times he asked me to tell him where i worked and when i refused he said he had more to lose than i did. It was because of this reason he finished with me - because i knew where he worked and it all became a bit too real for him.

After the call from his boss and the huge bill he never rang me from his work mobile again but still text. Again about 2 months later he was pulled up again about the huge bill and money spent on texts from his work mobile. He then got a new separate mobile. Sometimes I do wonder just how smart is he? Not only did he ring me from his work mobile but also from his work landline. It doesn't take a genius to figure out where an individual works if they have this information.

I don't think he is cleverer than me even though he'd like to think he is. He thinks he's been crafty and clever but if your planning to have a secret whore on the side and you don't want her to know anything about your private life and also your private life(ie wife and work colleagues) not to find out about this side of you then you'd be more careful than he's been. He has the cheek to look down his nose on the Irish and lump us all in as con artist gypsies who'd steal the eye from your head given half the chance.

The bitch in me thought about posting his picture up on here.. ok I'd never do it but the thought made me smile though!

Say hello, wave goodbye

2008-07-01T13:54:00.000+01:00

There's a song which is sang by David Grey called say hello, wave goodbye. This song always reminds me of my relationship with my ex. We lived together for 3 yrs but it never felt right. I was 23 and he was 10 yrs older when we first got together. He offered me security, protection which is something i needed it the time. I believe he loved me at the beginning, he said it first. After a month i felt obliged to say it back. I never said it on my own, it was always in response. The words would almost choke me, i could feel the bile in the back of my throat. I hated myself for lying to him, for using him, for making his life hard, a misery almost. I didn't want to be with him but i couldn't build up the strenght to leave either. I took the cowards way out and thought if i made like hard for him he would turn around and leave me. It took 3 yrs and a 4 marriage proposals before he did eventually leave. He got offered a job in another part of the country and i wouldn't move. So he went his way and i stayed where i was. There were no tears, no argument as to who got what, it was all very amiable like 2 flatmates going their different ways.

There's a line in that song - .'..as for me, well i'll find someone who's not going cheap in the sales.....' that line always pulls at my heart. Thats how i see myself, something going cheap on the sales, something to be used and discarded but never feeling good enough to be someone special. I think that's why affairs with married men appeals. With a married man, there's no expectations, no disappointments. I know from the word go they are liars, cheats, users.. I know where i stand. I feel i'll never be good enough to be someone's wife. I know i'm in this situation because of my own doing, my own beliefs. Thats life i guess and yes i know life is what one makes of it ..

Torn

2008-06-19T23:17:00.000+01:00

I started this blog as a way of sorting out my feelings for Mr X. It was, it is a complicated situation and I needed some clarity - writing things down sometimes helps put things into perspective. I have gone through phases with Mr X and thought i was getting on without him, not really missing him, generally doing well. Slowly over the last couple of weeks I've been slowly drawn back in. Without me even knowing/realising I'm back to square one. Why can i not keep away from him? It makes me miserable to be close to him again. Its hard to describe. There's a part of me that wants to be a part of his life, a proper part. I know this will never, never happen. All i can ever hope for is a night in a sleazy hotel with him, that's the best it will get. He sent me a picture of himself at a garden party being held by the Queen. He looked so good in his tux. I'll never be taken to such an event by him, i will always be kept in the background - his dirty secret, his whore.

Why do i torturing myself like this? I should not stay in contact because things are never going to change and I'll never find someone of my own as long as I'm with him. I want to meet him though, i do but i know i won't. I never did sleep with my crush. I don't regret not sleeping with him but i think i will regret not at least meeting Mr X and then deal with the pain of rejection after if that will be the case. If he uses me and that's it - can i deal with it? Surely it would be better than the way things are now, at least then its over for good.

I keep telling myself its only hormones. I think it is too because I've been super horny for the last few days. I've cum on an average of 3 times a day. My poor rabbit vibe died yesterday. I've known it was on its last legs and was prepared, there's another on its way and should arrive any day now. When I'm overly sexed i do tend to get a bit emotional. It will pass and hopefully in the next couple of days i will be over this craving to want more from him than he can or is willing to give.

what do I want??

2008-06-05T13:13:00.000+01:00

Mr X is back from holidays and the 3rd of June meeting deadline has been and gone. Again i didn't meet him in Belfast. I enjoy chatting with him, its fun and a safe escapism and once i may have considered the option of meeting him for real - now i can't see that happening in the short term future(next 6 months or so anyway) Never say never and therefore i don't want to burn my bridge with him. Its selfish and unfair of me to lead him on, which is kind of what i'm doing. Its not something i'm proud of, its easier to give him some false hope than to tell him straight out no. If i did that i'd never hear from him again and for now he helps fill a certain gap in my life.

I want to give up control to him, to submit to him but i want to do it on my terms which is a absolute contradiction in terms. I like things done my way, to have control over how things pan out. Giving him that control for real and voluntarily giving up any say is scary. The other side of the coin is that being sexually submissive turns me on like nothing else. It is something i would like to explore, in my own time, with someone i trust... in many ways he's perfect just not quite!

Up until 4 years ago being the dominant partner in a relationship was what turned me on. i had a 6 month relationship with a submissive guy when i lived in London which i enjoyed very much. He was a great partner who was very open minded. He has recently got back in touch and has asked if there was any chance for us to get back together. As we are now in different countries this isn't likely and also i'm not interested in living a 24/7 Domme/sub lifestyle which is deeply what he is looking for. I am still very fond of him and am considering allowing him to visit and serve me for a weekend.

I've been out with my crush again - we went for dinner and drinks. I'm not so sure about him anymore. He's a nice guy but a little dull. I like guys who i can learn from, who are not necessarily intellectual but who have a broad knowledge of subjects. Someone who's life isn't football and cars. Someone who has an air of sophistication about them. Also he's not a great kisser - he's not bad but not great either. I'll give him another chance - it's only fair??

Morning glory

2008-05-28T14:41:00.000+01:00

I went out with my new crush last night. We had a good night, just drinks. I didn't allow myself to get too "merry" for 2 main reasons.

1. I'm always too open and honest when drunk
2. I would have brought him home and fucked him

I work with this guy and I don't want my work colleagues knowing what a whore I can be. Most of them have a idea from last years Xmas party but I can almost get away with that incident as a once off (the excuse of mixing my drinks) and I would never normally act like that... I never mix business with pleasure (almost never) The moral of the story is this guy won't be getting any for a while yet. He's due to leave in about 2 weeks - i will fuck him before he goes, that's for sure just closer to the time of him leaving.

Today I was off (i say off - for me this means the morning and afternoon) and OMG had one of the most powerful mind blowing orgasms I've experienced in a while. It was one of those that the spasm just went on and on for what felt like half an hour(in reality it was about 5 mins) Today for the first time in about 3 weeks I can completely relax. I've been extremely horny for the last 6 days or so. Its almost 3 in the afternoon and I'm still lying in bed basking in the afterglow of my mid morning orgasm. The distinct smell of the vibe beside me, its a mixture of rubber and my cum...wonder if i have time to go again???

work, work and more work...

2008-05-25T19:34:00.000+01:00

The last week at work has been so stressful but at the same time i enjoyed it. I've been working 14-16 hour days and I've come home barely able to move from exhaustion. However for me there is no greater feeling than falling into my bed, satisfied in the knowledge that i deserve to be in bed, that i have done a hard days work and i can go to sleep without guilt. i think i may be or on the way to being a workaholic - but what is a workaholic?? For the last 6 months i have on average had 1 full day off a month - every other day i work - i work 2 jobs and have accepted a promotion in my second job which will mean more hours, more responsibility. more stress but i need that validation of feeling useful. Work makes me feel useful and that i have a purpose.

Also after a particularly hard exhausting day, when i do eventually get to bed, i need to relax and unwind before i can sleep. I always lie on my stomach and cum grinding down on my fingers. If its a DIY job this is the best position for me for a number of reasons, i always cum within 3-5 mins, all the muscles in my body relax, my aches and pains disappear as orgasm after orgasm washes over me and I'm already in my favourite sleeping position and within seconds I've nodded off into a deep coma almost.

Mr X is on holiday in Turkey with the family for a week. Its a bit of a relief as I'll have a break from the pressure of him asking about us meeting. I'm not meeting him, He knows deep down but it doesn't stop him putting pressure on me.

Speaking of work though - new guy is working with us for a short while. i seen him around for a few weeks before but didn't have much dealings with him and he wasn't anything special to look at. Over the last week I've had to work with him more closely.. oh wow.. He is lovely.. Everyone likes him, no-one has a bad word to say about him. It just shows how much some one's personality can take them from a 4 on a scale of hot up to an 8.5. i admire how well he handles stress, he never loses it or shouts (i wish i could say the same thing), he will always listen and immediately help out. He's from somewhere in Northern Ireland and has that sexy accent that just makes me melt. i think i may have a new crush...

horny weak slut...

2008-05-19T22:46:00.000+01:00

For last few days i have been feeling so fucking horny... what happens when i get horny? i become submissive.. my fantasies start to get depraved and i need a like minded person to share in them, to help them blossom... i submitted and contacted Mr X. He stimulates my cunt like no other. i came twice at work today just from texts he sent me during the day. Telling me how a whore like me should be used, that i need him.. that a fuck toy is nothing without a Master to use it, to play with it, to humiliate it... I'm so weak.. When I'm horny I'm so pliable, i bend to his will and I'm helpless. I've tried to be strong, i can manage it until my cunt takes over and then my mind is not my own, my common sense no longer exists.

I've promised I'll meet him in Belfast on the 3 rd of June

What have i done????

...and I'm feelin goood....

2008-05-14T23:07:00.000+01:00

Feeling in much better mood this week. Last week my God i was like an anti-Christ - everyone was getting it off me over nothing!!

I have some how over the last few weeks lost all interest in Mr X. I think once i seen things the way things were and not how i wished they could be i came to my senses. Sometimes something will happen that will remind me of him and what i wished i could have had with him. i feel that familiar tightness in my chest of missing him but this is happening less and less thankfully. At one stage it was every time i seen a Audi car it reminded me of him....i hadn't realised but they're all over the bloody place!

Another reason i think i have got over him is that i realised i wasn't willing to settle. I loved so much about him but at the end of the day he was married and in his words I'm "..a spoilt, selfish slut..." I AM. I'm spoilt and selfish in that i don't want to have to share the man i choose to be with. I want an all-in-one man, who can treat me like his bitch when i need that but who i know deep down loves and respects me. Someone who's mine and i don't have to share... oh and if he could look like Daniel Craig that would be good.... Thanx Santa..

Moaning

2008-05-06T22:33:00.001+01:00

It was my birthday over the weekend. It had to be the shittiest pathetic excuse for a birthday ever. Its a bank holiday weekend and I've work for the entire time. On my birthday i worked an 14 hr shift in the ONLY good weather we've seen since this time last year which i got to "enjoy" from inside looking out. I want to scream and I'm feeling sorry for myself. Everything this evening is annoying me, i came home and planned to put on a wash but housemate has clothes in the machine, i wanted to watch TV (desperate housewives or sex and the city, some kind of mindless drivel) but no housemates are watching a replay of some poxy match that was probably played years ago... or watching Sky sports news.. What's that all about?? Rubbish!!

I'm so wound up i can't even think straight. Maybe I just need a good hard fuck!

Cum Again..

2008-04-21T00:00:00.000+01:00

I came!! My orgasms are back... Oh my god what a relief. I came last Wednesday. I was alone at home, i had the morning off work and woke up horny. I had been feeling horny for a few days, occasionally at work nipping to the toilet, hitching up my skirt (i always wear hold ups, so much more convenient) and rubbing my cunt through my thong to take the edge off. Sometimes i get so sensitive down there to put direct pressure on my clit is too much and i find it better to have the barrier of the flimsy material of my knickers as a kind of protection. i love that feeling of soaking wet material against my cunt and a gust of wind blowing up my skirt.. i swear there have been times I've almost cum just walking down the street, or getting on the train - for some reason at the DART station there's always a good cross wind.

I have 2 very different but 2 equally strong sides to me. Its exhausting trying to figure out which is the real me as i don't think that both can live in harmony.

My light Side:
I'm the girl next door type. I work hard, i pay my bills, i try to always do "the right thing". I'm in my late 20's, and the big 30 is looming. I feel pressure to settle down, to find a good honest hardworking man, to get married, start a family, buy a house... don't get me wrong, i want all that, i really do..

but then there's....

My dark side:
Granted my dark side is most active and takes over when I'm horny but in saying that up until 2 weeks ago that was every fucking minute of every day for months.. Its draining being horny constantly. My dark side craves to be used, to be a whore, to be fucked, degraded, humiliated.. To be told what a cock sucking fuck toy i am.. i crave to be slapped, fucked, tied up. i need to be someone's 3 hole fuck toy.

Can i be a Madonna and whore all in one?

D-Side - Real World

2008-04-17T23:20:00.001+01:00

I'm really liking this song at the moment.

I want to cum again

2008-04-13T22:20:00.000+01:00

I was angry on Friday when i wrote my last entry. I was angry with him, with myself, I'm frustrated, irritated. Since we have stopped communicating I haven't been able to cum. Last week one afternoon while alone i tried on 2 occasions to cum using my trusty rabbit vib - nothing.. i was on the verge for over half an hour but i couldn't push myself over the edge, i couldn't cum. i tried every fantasy i could think of, getting more depraved, more extreme in the hope it would help me cum. None of my old reliables worked - being shared with his friends, being humiliated, used degraded in front of others, being pissed on, being used as his toilet in front of others, kneeling by his feel as he casually pisses into my mouth while he watches tv or chats to his friends... none of this worked.

Its been nearly 2 weeks since i last came. This is completely unusual for me. Up until 2 weeks ago i couldn't sleep properly until i came. I always have to cum just before i go to sleep. I have on many occasions woken up fingering myself at night. I want my orgasms back.

I would never admit this to him, i have too much pride but i miss Him. I was suppose to meet Him tomorrow but i can't. Deep down i would love to but I'm stopping myself because I'm a coward who's afraid to take a chance.

Who has the power?

2008-04-11T22:28:00.000+01:00

Mr X called me today, its the first time I've heard from him since this day last week.

I read somewhere that men don't respond to asking or even nagging, men respond to NO CONTACT.

Its true - I made no attempt to contact him whatsoever during the last week. It was hard, especially during last weekend. It got easier though and by today i was much stronger. He contacted me to see how "how i was doing without him" - the cheek!! I think he was shocked that I wasn't falling at his feet in gratitude that he had made contact with me. I think he thought this week that he's "left" me would make me think about what i would be losing, about how much i missed him and how its not the same without him. He thought this because every other time we have had breaks i have been delighted to hear from him. This time was different though, this time I've had enough.

I don't want to be some married man's whore. I will always be bottom of his list of priorities just a toy for him to use and discard as he pleases. i just wish the very thought of being just that, a whore, a toy he uses as he pleases didn't turn me on so much. I told him i was tired of taking a back seat and that if i wanted to be a whore in the true sense of the word i would charge for my services and that it would pay a hell of a lot better than the 2 jobs I'm currently working - He didn't like that one bit...the bitch inside me smiled that i was winding him up.

He is now gone off sulking because he didn't get his own way and I'm not meeting him this Monday. He thought that by leaving me to stew for the last week i would bend to his will once he decided to contact me but his plan didn't work. He doesn't know me very well at all it seems but like my ex before him he will learn just how stubborn i can be.

Who really does have the power? A Dom/Master is nothing if a submissive isn't willing to submit.

Amy Winehouse Back to Black

2008-04-07T20:46:00.001+01:00

Orgasmic Thoughts

2008-04-07T20:08:00.000+01:00

One night i couldn't sleep. i was tossing and turning so i decided to write an e mail to my (ex) Master for Him to enjoy when He arrived at work. The following is a fantasy i had/sometime still have while cumming earlier that day. God bless "the rabbit"(platinum) - best vibrator out there!

i'm directed into a large private office/study within a large old house, wood panelling half way up the walls, books line half of one wall, there's a fireplace with 2 arm chairs and a small table between to the left, straight ahead there's a huge oak desk, behind the desk a large bay window. You are seated behind the desk busy, You don't even look up.

i stand just inside the door, dressed in a new tailor made black suit, tight black pencil skirt about an inch or so above the knee with a side split, crisp white blouse, lace top black hold ups, 5" high heeled black patent leather shoes, a white lace push up bra, no panties. This isn't an outfit i had picked out for myself, i had been given very clear exact instructions as to how i was to look and present myself to this man, this stranger behind the desk. Among my other instructions was that i was under no circumstances to wear panties/knickers/thong nothing of any description that would prevent my cunt from being bare and open for use. my cunt was to be waxed completely clean, perfectly smooth.

After what seems like hours but in reality was only about 5 mins i start to wonder if You even know i'm there. i shift from one foot to another wondering if maybe i should say something. Before i even have time to but my thought into action i jump when You bark at me to "stand still".. Your head never rising from the desk. my heart beating even faster, the muscles in my cunt contract and i feel a tiny drop of cum run down my thigh. Finally You sit back in Your chair and look up. You start from my feet and slowly look me up, taking everything in. i have to fight the urge to fidget, keeping my hands close to my sides.

"So Your the little whore i've spent over 9 months of my time chatting to"

"Yes Master"

"and why are You here?"

"i'm here Master because i am ready to be Your personal fuck toy, Your whore for You to use and discard as You please.... i'm here to pay You back for all the time and effort You have put into me and the patience You've shown"

"awh - hah - anything else?"

"i'm here Master because i need You, i am a whore, a slut and i need a Master, i need to be used by You, fucked, abused, humiliated, degraded.. i have no control over this, its just who i am but a slut is nothing without a Master, a slut needs a Master, i need You Master"

"awh - hah - i want to see my new toy properly, take off your jacket slut"

"Yes Master"

i take off my jacket, placing it on the ground by my feet

"now Your blouse.. remove it and fold it neatly on the ground"

All the time Your sitting behind the desk, i feel Your eyes bore into me

"carry on..."

i unzip my skirt and it falls to the to the ground, stepping out of it i bend down folding it, placing it on top of the pile. Unhooking my bra releasing my tits as it falls to the floor. The air on the room and the fact i'm stood here practically naked in front of my Master causes my nipples to harden and twist upwards almost painfully.

"that's enough.. leave the hold ups and heels on"

You stand up and walk from behind the desk towards me. Not saying a word You walk slowly around me, i stand as still as i can, i feel my knees shake as i feel Your breath on my neck, my shoulders.. You run Your hand from my neck down my back.. i have to remind myself to breath... SMACK.. the sound startles me before i feel the stinging pain of my glowing red arse cheek. Your fingers now parting my ass cheeks pressing against my hole.. Your other hand come around the front of me grabbing my nipples and pulling and twisting them hard.. You ignore my gasps and moans.. You come and stand in front of me..

"spread Your legs wide slut...".. As you slap the inside of my thighs You say " come on .. wider than that .." You thrust 2 fingers up inside my sopping cunt deep and hard.. stretching my cunt with a 3rd finger.. just as quickly as You pull them out, grabbing me by the hair and pulling my head back so i'm forces to look directly up into Your eyes You shove Your fingers into my mouth to clean, pushing them down the back of my throat...

"to warm you up my dirty slut whore"

"mmm i'm please with the 2 holes i've inspected so far cunt... that cunt of yours is wet and so tight, just how i expect, i'll take pleasure stretching it and Your mouth, well that dirty hole is going to get a lot of use, now isn't whore.."

all i am manage is a nod in agreement

Pushing my head forward, almost down to the ground You walk behind me to inspect my arse..

SMACK... "pull your arse cheeks apart.. show Your Master Your tight little hole"

After You have inspected all of me thoroughly You push me onto me knees

"i've been waiting far too long for this slut... haven't i??"

"Yes Master"

"well what are You waiting for bitch?.. "

i reach up and undo Your trousers releasing Your rock hard cock... my hand gripping the base, my red glossed lips enclosing the head.. i first delicious taste of Your precum..mmmm.. You fuck my mouth, your cock hitting the back of my throat.. i use my tongue and lips to ensure maximum pleasure.. Within seconds Your ramming Your cock down my throat.. i start to gag on it, choking for breath but you hold it there... looking down at me as i look up at You, tears building in my eyes..

"look at you, you dirty little bitch... you need this... you need to have your Master's cock chocking you"

tears now flowing down my cheeks... Your right i do need this.. its the one thing in my life i can't do for myself... its the one place that i need anyone, someone... i need a Master and i'm such a pathetic dirty whore slut that i will go as far as beg, beg to be used, to be abused by You and only You. There is no one in the world that has this control over me, that has this power over me...

You continue to fuck me face.. on a couple of occasions i made the mistake of allowing Your cock to slip from my mouth, for which i was swiftly slapped across the face either by Your bare open palm or Your wet cock...

i feel Your cock start to twitch... i sense Your close to cumming.. You pull out just as You are about to.. Your warm cum squirts all over my face, my mouth, dripping down onto me tits..

i swallow what cum has gone into my mouth...You tell me to scoop up whatever is around my face and tits and swallow - rubbing the remainder into my skin. As i'm rubbing You thrust Your cock back into my mouth to be clean and then put back into Your trousers

i look up at You as i do back up the zip

"what do you say Your ungrateful little whore?!

"thank You Master"

"AND"

"i love You Master"....

Get over it already...

2008-04-07T19:42:00.000+01:00

Times i checked my phone today for a text: 250 approx
Times i checked my e mail: 5 (i'm getting better)

Ok i know deep down there will be no text there will be no e mail but for now at least i still have hope. i can be such a dumb bitch sometimes. i'm finding it very hard to get it through my thick skull that he has moved on, that i mean nothing to him, never have, never will - just another slut! i got a guys opinion about my situation and he did open my eyes and made things clearer. He told me i had to stop thinking like a woman - i asked if he thought He even missed me a little - he answered "no not an iota" i'm in my late 20's by now i should have some sense.

i just have to keep telling myself

"He doesn't give a fuck about me, He doesn't give a fuck about me, He doesn't give a fuck about me, He doesn't give a fuck about me...."

why all the "i love you's"?

2008-04-06T22:44:00.000+01:00

i have a question i can't figure out - Why if He clearly had no real feelings for me, why did He demand i tell Him "i love Him"?? Was it a control thing? It has never been something i have said to anyone without them saying it first. i would never have said it to Him, if He hadn't demanded me to. Why?

Hormones

2008-04-06T20:13:00.000+01:00

The date of meeting Him has been moved - its now 14 April. When He told me this on Tuesday my heart fell. i've tried to tell Him, explain to Him that i'm not ready. After i missed the last deadline and He "seemed" alright about it i must admit i breathed a huge sigh of relief that i'd bought myself some extra time - or so i thought.

We were in contact a lot more than normal on Wed & Thurs as i was off and at His disposal. This extra time is a double edged sword. i love chatting to Him, speaking to Him (God His voice alone can make me cum) but then after work He goes home to His wife and family and i'm forgotten and left alone for the night with too much time to think. On Thursday after He hung up and said goodbye for the night i just felt empty and alone. i couldn't do this anymore. i'm an independent person, i have a good job, i have never depended on anyone for anything but with Him, He makes me needy and dare i say almost clingy(not quite as i stop myself but almost).... On Thursday night i made the fateful decision through puffy teary eyes that i was going to e mail and end it once and for all.

i had one "get out of jail free", one thing that i knew if i said - that would be it, He would be gone. i knew once i said it, once i sent the e mail that was it, i couldn't take it back - it was final. i told Him i wanted more than to be just His slut on the side. When i wrote the text in my emotional state i did want more, i just wanted for once to know i meant something to Him. i didn't exactly know what more meant. i never meant leave His wife or anything like that. That i did NOT want. His whole attraction is the fact He is unavailable. i think if He was free and single i might not have the same burning desire to be owned by Him. It would have been nice to know i fitted in somewhere in His life. i know i would never be 1st of even 7th priority on His list but to be somewhere in His top 10.

It worked, i got a text on Friday morning - Thanking me, telling me He had a great time and bye! That was it. All Friday i cried - i was at work and suddenly i'd feel my cheeks were wet again. i had to leave work an hour early. Its about a 15-20 min walk from the train station to my house and it was lashing rain. i would normally get a taxi in such weather but i walked in the rain, soaked to the skin...crying. What a cliche... i did feel like my heart would break on Friday night. i woke up Saturday and was ok, not great but no tears.

Today i got my period - suddenly my erratic rash behaviour from Thursday and the crying on Friday all made sense - Fucking Hormones!!
i wasn't expecting my period for another week. i should have known but it never even occurred to me. i've fucked everything up and lost Him because of hormones turning me from normally just plain horny to needy.... yuk yuk yuk... Men don't understand that during these 3-4 days we/i can go from sobbing crying to irrational anger to unbelievable horny to irritated in the space of a half an hour. Not to mention the cravings, bloated feelings, constipation...

i keep looking at my phone, hoping for a text. i try to tell myself not to do this. Its best if i try to forget Him for now, not to build up my hopes that maybe He will send a text or e mail. It was so final - i really do have to accept that He's gone.

2008-04-01T01:31:00.000+01:00

First Meeting

2008-04-01T01:12:00.000+01:00

Today - Monday 31st March was suppose to be the first day i was to meet Mr X (my Master) yes He's still on the scene. The reason we didn't meet is basically because i am a coward. i couldn't go through with it. i want to i really do and i think i've given myself an ulcer over the last few weeks from anxiety and stress over this meeting. i know how much He wants to meet, how much He needs to use me. He is getting very frustrated and His patience is wearing thin, i don't blame Him its been about 9 months now.

i'm really afraid of getting hurt, not physically but more emotionally. i think its very probable that He will use me for 1 night only as His whore and i never hear from Him again. Am i able for that? i adore Him i really do. Not just as a Master but as a person. He has so many good qualities, qualities that i look for in a guy but i know i will never be any more than a whore on call to Him. He loves that i adore Him, He loves to hear me say i love Him (i do) it gives Him that control over me - i however will never as long as i'm with Him hear the same back. i am a fuck toy - that's it.

A few weeks ago we fell out. He hurt me a lot by a comment He made. i told Him i need more, not from Him but in general. Its not easy being alone every night, He's ok, i'm forgotten once He leaves the office and goes home to His wife and family. The conversation went something like - "what do you expect... love?" followed by "don't be silly" - and there it was in black and white - He couldn't give a fuck about me or my feelings.

i'm still here though, i still want Him, He still has that power over me. He is my drug and even though its killing me inside - i'm addicted.

What is a Masochist

2007-12-20T23:41:00.000Z

I never considered myself a Masochist, not in the true sense of the word. Yes I get off on some pain during sex and play but nothing hard core. Spanking, rough nipple play is about as bad as it gets... but is physical pain the only pain to be the definition of a masochist? I looked up the meaning and it seems not -

mas·och·ism
"gratification gained from pain, deprivation, degradation, etc., inflicted or imposed on oneself, either as a result of one's own actions or the actions of others, esp. the tendency to seek this form of gratification."

Today i realised i am a masochist, not in the form of physical pain but more emotion. No matter how much that man(Mr. X) hurts me, crushes me, sends me to the deepest despair, I still keep going back to me. i spent 2 weeks crying over him.. why? He couldn't care less about me, I know this and yet i still keep going back for more... I need help!

The Coronas - San Diego Song

2007-10-27T19:47:00.001+01:00

Great new Irish band.

101 different thoughts

2007-10-20T23:32:00.000+01:00

My Mr X has been on holidays since Friday 12th. i haven't had any contact with him since Thursday 11th. He made a comment that day that shook me to the core and i realised for the first time how he really sees me not how i wish or imagine he sees me. How he really sees me is just a 3 hole fuck whore. A Cunt. He made a comment along the lines of - "what did you think i was looking for, a 2nd wife" that hurt! I don't want to be his fucking wife, i never would and never did. Even if he was single i wouldn't want a serious relationship with him. He's not the type of man i imagine settling down with for life - I'm an attractive girl, i can do better. (once i fix everything that's wrong with me - I'll be perfect!!)

Anyway he's gone on holiday until the end of the month. Sometimes i really have missed him, whatever i say he turns me on like no one else. I hope when he comes back I'm strong enough to not fall back into the same old routine. I want to break free but with him i feel like a junkie and at the moment I'm going cold turkey. I need a fix but I've been strong for over a week and hopefully by the time he comes back I'll prove to myself i don't need him anymore.

I know karma will pay me back for fucking about with another woman's husband. That's why i have to stop, if i want to be happy i have to stop!!

For some reason today I've been thinking of the first time i lost my virginity. I was a late bloomer and was 20 before i had sex for the first time. It was a case of wanting to get it over and done with. I decided i was ready, so it came down to the first guy who came along. I met the guy in my local pub on a Sunday night. I remember his name was Gerry and he was a panel beater (i hadn't a clue at the time what that was, didn't care either) We kissed and arrange to meet on the Thursday night. I met him, he was with his friend, i was with mine. Most of the night he did his thing i did mine. We came back to mine with his friend in tow. Friend passed out on the sitting room floor and we went into adjoining bed room. I never told him i was a virgin. I remember he was well endowed. I may have been a virgin but with the guys before him it was a case of everything but full sex. It hurt but not as much as i thought. I had to keep the noise down as my friends were in the next bedroom and i think Gerry thought he was some stud as i moaned loudly from pain which he mistook as my enjoyment. He fucked me 3 times that night. I remember worrying about the blood and how i could clean it up some way. It was dark and he didn't notice. The next morning he got up and brought his friend with him. I didn't think I'd hear from him again to be honest and was a bit surprised when later that day he sent me a text telling me he enjoyed last night and could we meet up again. I didn't reply, i had no interest in seeing him again he had served his purpose i was no longer a virgin.

That story makes me sad. I wish i could have had the same experience as my friend B she waited and lost her virginity to a man she loves and is currently engaged to. Said man thinks I'm the biggest tramp going, its unfortunate but I've been out with them about 3 nights and all 3 nights i do the same bloody thing and just cop off with some random guy. I don't even like these fucking guys, its like i have to prove i can get i guy. However bad or disgusted i am by him.

Can we have it all?

2007-10-07T21:57:00.000+01:00

Today at work i was thinking a lot about Mr X (married guy wannabe Master) and what i have with him, basically what i want from life.

In a perfect relationship world this is what i want:

A guy who is available, no baggage, no wife no kids no hovering ex girlfriend
5-10 yrs older than me
Dominant and into the mental as well as physical side of D/s
But in public he would be my boyfriend and act accordingly

I want a man to be as depraved if not more so than I am, treat me like a little whore but also have respect for me....is that asking too much?

P.s. still no text...

2007-10-06T23:12:00.000+01:00

My bedroom 10.35pm

This is all completely new to me and to be honest i firstly don't know why i started this blog and secondly if I'll even keep it up as I'm very fickle and tend to get bored quite easily.

Today i had a mini breakdown (i blame everything from my hormones to the moon cycle for these little "episodes") My life is fucked up and I'm hoping through this over time I'll "maybe" make some sense of things.

Perhaps i should explain the title - although it is self explanatory. I am a wannabe slut. Well actually i am a slut as much as i allow myself to be. I have a split personality - on 1 hand I'm this very "respectable" hard working girl. To the outside world I'm the girl next door.
I am a good person, i know that but then there's this wanton whore that just craves to be used, fucked. The problem lies in that i hold myself back from being a complete slut as i care way too much about what my friends, work colleagues, society will think. I'm in my late 20's and I've had 1 long term relationship which was a joke and in my mind doesn't even count. Everything else have been flings. I couldn't even start to count the amount of 1 night stands I've had. The thing is i don't actually feel bad or guilty about being promiscuous but what does bother me is my friends thinking I'm a slut (and they do).

As I've gotten older I've tried to change and at the moment I'm not as bad as i used to be but that's for other reasons not because the desire to fuck men isn't there. Over the last year or so I've moved on from just wanting normal sex to the D/s - M/s type relationship.

In short i think what i need is a Master - not only that but I've found 1 - half of me wants to go down this road with him and then half of me doesn't. I should point out firstly i met him online (well honestly where else will i meet him? its not a normal chat up line I'd use..."oh by the way would you be a Master looking for a fuck toy to use...") Also i know it may seem weird that i would have these feelings for someone i haven't met in person yet - Trust me i tell myself at least 5 times a day its fucked up.. It's me that's delaying the R/L meet, we've done everything else and after many months i feel i know him and some may say I'm naive but i trust him.

Its because of him I'm writing this. The reasons for and against accepting this man's offer for him to be my Master and me to be his personal whore, cum slut, fuck toy, bitch...

PROS

He turns me on like no man has before

Behind the facade he's a good person but like all men there's no denying he's led by his dick

He's shown a lot of patience (which says a lot when dealing with me - i freely admit when I'm good I'm very very good but when I'm bad I'm a needy bitch)

Its exciting

CONS

He's Married

I think I'm nothing more than an office distraction to him, something to pass the time when at work or wife and family are away.

I'm too emotionally involved - I wish i could just make it about sex (that's all it is to him)

Guilt (i have never set out to get involved with a married man, daily i feel for his wife and i know karma will bite me on the ass for this if i do go for it)

I hate being ignored - he will ignore texts which really drives me mad as i wouldn't do that, i wouldn't be allowed to do that but because I've agreed that i would like him as my Master i get no say (except here)

Since we first "met" I've been allowed NO physical contact with men - this is the hardest for me. I've to spend my evenings and weekends alone while he is with his wife and family.

Today I sent a text suggesting a break for a little while. I think I needed some time away from him but what really annoyed me is - no reply. I can almost guarantee once Monday comes and he's back in the office the texts will start to flow. I hope I'm strong enough to resist replying. It hurts that he has no time for me during the weekends or evening - I'm nothing!!!